In Judaism, tshuva (repentance) is only fully possible if you can restore what you took. Make up for what you did. Without this piece, full repentance isn't possible.
Sorry, you just gotta live with what you did.
And forgiveness, yea, that's more of a Christian idea that somehow we need to forgive those who hurt us. First off, asking someone to forgive you when you've hurt them is almost a repeat offense, because now you are asking your victim to give you something. Rather than you giving them something. A genuine, heartfelt, I am so sorry I hurt you and asking nothing in return goes much further both for the giver and the receiver.
We can soften. We can heal. We can find freedom from the demons .. but I agree wholeheartedly with you .. we never have to forgive our abusers.
This is a thoughtful reflection on tshuva, but the contrast with Christian forgiveness misrepresents its core. In Christianity, forgiveness isn’t something the offender requests or demands—it’s something the wounded person may choose to give freely, often without being asked, as an act of inner release. It’s not about excusing abuse or restoring relationships; it’s about refusing to let bitterness take root. Framing forgiveness as a burden placed on the victim distorts the point—Christian forgiveness is a voluntary act of grace, not a coerced performance. No one owes it. Yet when it’s real, it liberates the one who gives it.
The act of forgiveness is beautiful and freeing. Asking for it though puts a burden on the one you’ve hurt. A heartfelt apology , without asking for something in return, gives the offended personal space to process. I believe that can help forgiveness occur without putting an emotional burden on the one you’ve hurt.
p.s it's just been my experience that Christians often ask for forgiveness from others, which is why I included that in my comment. I have Christian friends, they get in a argument and say something they regret and then they say oh, gosh, please forgive me for that. When you ask for forgiveness, you do place an emotional burden on the victim.
I hear you brother. But in my experience: softening is not the same as forgiving. I can forgive and still have very clear boundaries. Still be fully in my power. Still not give a shit about them. Forgiveness is a state that happens, eventually, when all the fire of the rage burned itself out and there is no fighting left to do. There is just a letting go. A neutrality. And then you feel inside yourself and there is nothing left of that energy anymore...just an emptiness. You think of your past and what happened and it's like watching a movie...it's completely neutral. That is freedom for me. That is what forgiveness offers...but not because we try or dismiss our story or diminish our anger, but because we allowed ourselves the totality of our rage and hate and because it's the natural course of things when we start loving ourselves enough that we stop holding on to the past. All of it. And that doesn't mean we say it was ok. It's still a shitty story. Heart and gut wrenching. But eventually just a story. And I agree with you, it should not be forced or rushed or manipulated. Hope you have a nice weekend!
I only need to love myself, not waste my energy on people who were never going to be a safe place for me. I have moved on. They must face their demons one day. I won't be their witness. Thank you Cody.
I love this. This was the most healing thing for me. I do not have to forgive my ex for his abuse. Ever. And I’m not angry anymore, I’ve healed, I’ve moved on, but I don’t forgive. And that power to withhold forgiveness in itself is healing.
Instead I focused on forgiving myself. For how I reacted, for my own bad behavior, justified or not, I forgave myself for not getting out sooner. And that was healing and the only forgiveness I needed.
As I've said before, thank you for speaking up. This "requirement" to forgive in order to heal is an unrealistic expectation that society (therapists or mental health professionals aren't exempt from this) often places on survivors, and it can be so damaging. Realising that we don't need to forgive in order to heal can be life-saving.
I love the energy of your message, to realive and feel the right to anger. Especially, when it has been repressed for so long. Owning it is power, what you do with it is motivating something important. The liberation to feel again. Thats when awareness hits. And, you are right it is so easy to forget or rationalise your history. We gaslight ourselves. Which is such bullshit! But no more hey!
Great piece. Even more powerful hearing your voice. I deeply grieved the relationship I used to have which somehow suddenly disappeared when I most needed support.
Loved “You don’t owe the people that hurt you closure, you owe truth to the one who survived it.”
I don’t need to forgive them to move on. What I needed was to forgive myself—the version of me who stayed through the red flags, who hoped for change, who feared returning to the pain I thought I’d escaped. I stayed longer than I should have, not because I was weak, but because I was scared. But now, I choose self-compassion. I come back stronger, wiser—and with no need to make peace with those who broke me. I made peace with myself, and that’s enough.
In Judaism, tshuva (repentance) is only fully possible if you can restore what you took. Make up for what you did. Without this piece, full repentance isn't possible.
Sorry, you just gotta live with what you did.
And forgiveness, yea, that's more of a Christian idea that somehow we need to forgive those who hurt us. First off, asking someone to forgive you when you've hurt them is almost a repeat offense, because now you are asking your victim to give you something. Rather than you giving them something. A genuine, heartfelt, I am so sorry I hurt you and asking nothing in return goes much further both for the giver and the receiver.
We can soften. We can heal. We can find freedom from the demons .. but I agree wholeheartedly with you .. we never have to forgive our abusers.
This is a thoughtful reflection on tshuva, but the contrast with Christian forgiveness misrepresents its core. In Christianity, forgiveness isn’t something the offender requests or demands—it’s something the wounded person may choose to give freely, often without being asked, as an act of inner release. It’s not about excusing abuse or restoring relationships; it’s about refusing to let bitterness take root. Framing forgiveness as a burden placed on the victim distorts the point—Christian forgiveness is a voluntary act of grace, not a coerced performance. No one owes it. Yet when it’s real, it liberates the one who gives it.
The act of forgiveness is beautiful and freeing. Asking for it though puts a burden on the one you’ve hurt. A heartfelt apology , without asking for something in return, gives the offended personal space to process. I believe that can help forgiveness occur without putting an emotional burden on the one you’ve hurt.
p.s it's just been my experience that Christians often ask for forgiveness from others, which is why I included that in my comment. I have Christian friends, they get in a argument and say something they regret and then they say oh, gosh, please forgive me for that. When you ask for forgiveness, you do place an emotional burden on the victim.
https://substack.com/@wlorenzocromwell
I hear you brother. But in my experience: softening is not the same as forgiving. I can forgive and still have very clear boundaries. Still be fully in my power. Still not give a shit about them. Forgiveness is a state that happens, eventually, when all the fire of the rage burned itself out and there is no fighting left to do. There is just a letting go. A neutrality. And then you feel inside yourself and there is nothing left of that energy anymore...just an emptiness. You think of your past and what happened and it's like watching a movie...it's completely neutral. That is freedom for me. That is what forgiveness offers...but not because we try or dismiss our story or diminish our anger, but because we allowed ourselves the totality of our rage and hate and because it's the natural course of things when we start loving ourselves enough that we stop holding on to the past. All of it. And that doesn't mean we say it was ok. It's still a shitty story. Heart and gut wrenching. But eventually just a story. And I agree with you, it should not be forced or rushed or manipulated. Hope you have a nice weekend!
“You don’t need to humanize the people who dehumanized you.” I need this tattooed somewhere.
I only need to love myself, not waste my energy on people who were never going to be a safe place for me. I have moved on. They must face their demons one day. I won't be their witness. Thank you Cody.
I love this. This was the most healing thing for me. I do not have to forgive my ex for his abuse. Ever. And I’m not angry anymore, I’ve healed, I’ve moved on, but I don’t forgive. And that power to withhold forgiveness in itself is healing.
Instead I focused on forgiving myself. For how I reacted, for my own bad behavior, justified or not, I forgave myself for not getting out sooner. And that was healing and the only forgiveness I needed.
Powerful and relatable. This got me all fired up again
Massive standing ovation for what you have written here Cody.
As I've said before, thank you for speaking up. This "requirement" to forgive in order to heal is an unrealistic expectation that society (therapists or mental health professionals aren't exempt from this) often places on survivors, and it can be so damaging. Realising that we don't need to forgive in order to heal can be life-saving.
I love the energy of your message, to realive and feel the right to anger. Especially, when it has been repressed for so long. Owning it is power, what you do with it is motivating something important. The liberation to feel again. Thats when awareness hits. And, you are right it is so easy to forget or rationalise your history. We gaslight ourselves. Which is such bullshit! But no more hey!
Really powerful work. I feel that we all need this reminder from time to time.
Great piece. Even more powerful hearing your voice. I deeply grieved the relationship I used to have which somehow suddenly disappeared when I most needed support.
Loved “You don’t owe the people that hurt you closure, you owe truth to the one who survived it.”
I don’t need to forgive them to move on. What I needed was to forgive myself—the version of me who stayed through the red flags, who hoped for change, who feared returning to the pain I thought I’d escaped. I stayed longer than I should have, not because I was weak, but because I was scared. But now, I choose self-compassion. I come back stronger, wiser—and with no need to make peace with those who broke me. I made peace with myself, and that’s enough.