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Yael Reinhardt-Matsliah's avatar

In Judaism, tshuva (repentance) is only fully possible if you can restore what you took. Make up for what you did. Without this piece, full repentance isn't possible.

Sorry, you just gotta live with what you did.

And forgiveness, yea, that's more of a Christian idea that somehow we need to forgive those who hurt us. First off, asking someone to forgive you when you've hurt them is almost a repeat offense, because now you are asking your victim to give you something. Rather than you giving them something. A genuine, heartfelt, I am so sorry I hurt you and asking nothing in return goes much further both for the giver and the receiver.

We can soften. We can heal. We can find freedom from the demons .. but I agree wholeheartedly with you .. we never have to forgive our abusers.

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Kasia Patzelt's avatar

I hear you brother. But in my experience: softening is not the same as forgiving. I can forgive and still have very clear boundaries. Still be fully in my power. Still not give a shit about them. Forgiveness is a state that happens, eventually, when all the fire of the rage burned itself out and there is no fighting left to do. There is just a letting go. A neutrality. And then you feel inside yourself and there is nothing left of that energy anymore...just an emptiness. You think of your past and what happened and it's like watching a movie...it's completely neutral. That is freedom for me. That is what forgiveness offers...but not because we try or dismiss our story or diminish our anger, but because we allowed ourselves the totality of our rage and hate and because it's the natural course of things when we start loving ourselves enough that we stop holding on to the past. All of it. And that doesn't mean we say it was ok. It's still a shitty story. Heart and gut wrenching. But eventually just a story. And I agree with you, it should not be forced or rushed or manipulated. Hope you have a nice weekend!

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