Parental damage is a hard road to travel, let alone to process and understand.
Becoming a parent can either soften the blow or make it incredibly worse.
Personally, when I became a mom, 33 years ago, it made my anger towards my mother worse. Just how could you not love and protect your own daughter, when it came so easy and natural to me?
Here I am, 33 years later (my mom’s been dead 38 years) and I can say, I have grasped some of what my mother may have been dealing with with her own family issues, issues with men, self esteem, etc. but I don’t think I will ever know what happened that she hit a switch around the time I was 8 and just had pure hatred for me.
She’s not here to answer anything or be angry at, so it didn’t serve me to follow in her footsteps
There is a lot of wisdom in this post. I think part of the problem is that society does not do a good job of defining what a good parent truly is. Lots of people think a good parent means you discipline harshly and constantly point out faults, so the kid can improve! This is ridiculous, of course, but that's what people think. We need new parenting paradigms. People seem to think if you don't spank and punish harshly, you must just let them run wild! No, you don't do that either. There is a middle ground, but few find it.
Great post and timely with the holidays coming up! As someone with parents, who is also a parent. Everything you said is true. It's the infinity loop of life.
I think there’s a fine line between compassion and expecting more here. Sure, the compassionate view is that my parents did the best job they knew how to do. But the truth is that I think they should have known better.
What helped me understand this was recognizing that trauma gets passed on. My mother’s family emigrated from Italy in the early twentieth century. They left one level of hell for another that was only a little better. They were traumatized and wounded and carried it with them. They had no idea and little emotional intelligence. Few did. They did the best with what they had. They didn’t know better. They loved fiercely. They worked hard for very little. The hits kept coming but they kept going. Most of us today have no clue because they didn’t talk about it. They were in survival mode. They didn’t have the luxury of healing. When I realized this I began to change. I stopped blaming. I understood. It didn’t take the pain away. It didn’t stop the PTSD. But it helped me recognize how I was acting out the trauma and the pain. It’s helped me be a little better person. At 63 I’m still growing. Hope this helps someone. Be patient with yourselves. The story of you is still being written.
Parental damage is a hard road to travel, let alone to process and understand.
Becoming a parent can either soften the blow or make it incredibly worse.
Personally, when I became a mom, 33 years ago, it made my anger towards my mother worse. Just how could you not love and protect your own daughter, when it came so easy and natural to me?
Here I am, 33 years later (my mom’s been dead 38 years) and I can say, I have grasped some of what my mother may have been dealing with with her own family issues, issues with men, self esteem, etc. but I don’t think I will ever know what happened that she hit a switch around the time I was 8 and just had pure hatred for me.
She’s not here to answer anything or be angry at, so it didn’t serve me to follow in her footsteps
This is such a great explanation of something very complex to navigate. Thanks for putting words to the feelings so many people have.
Without empathy, nothing will be learned. If you refuse to understand another's pain, you will never understand yours.
We often think being selfish will benefit us, only to trap us back in a familiar cycle.
It's only to your own advantage to stop fighting for yourself and start focusing on what can be consistently applied to all.
It can be hard to let go of how our parents scarred us, but doing so helps us the most.
You can also choose to eliminate them out of your life
There is a lot of wisdom in this post. I think part of the problem is that society does not do a good job of defining what a good parent truly is. Lots of people think a good parent means you discipline harshly and constantly point out faults, so the kid can improve! This is ridiculous, of course, but that's what people think. We need new parenting paradigms. People seem to think if you don't spank and punish harshly, you must just let them run wild! No, you don't do that either. There is a middle ground, but few find it.
Great post and timely with the holidays coming up! As someone with parents, who is also a parent. Everything you said is true. It's the infinity loop of life.
So well written!
Thank you!
I think there’s a fine line between compassion and expecting more here. Sure, the compassionate view is that my parents did the best job they knew how to do. But the truth is that I think they should have known better.
Do you have children?
This is 🎯🎯: ‘Defending them protects us from having to grieve.’ But grieving the truth is the only real
healing way out?
What helped me understand this was recognizing that trauma gets passed on. My mother’s family emigrated from Italy in the early twentieth century. They left one level of hell for another that was only a little better. They were traumatized and wounded and carried it with them. They had no idea and little emotional intelligence. Few did. They did the best with what they had. They didn’t know better. They loved fiercely. They worked hard for very little. The hits kept coming but they kept going. Most of us today have no clue because they didn’t talk about it. They were in survival mode. They didn’t have the luxury of healing. When I realized this I began to change. I stopped blaming. I understood. It didn’t take the pain away. It didn’t stop the PTSD. But it helped me recognize how I was acting out the trauma and the pain. It’s helped me be a little better person. At 63 I’m still growing. Hope this helps someone. Be patient with yourselves. The story of you is still being written.
Cody, you always tell it like it is! Thank you for this piece. 💕