When I first learned about fawning, I was confused. I identified as someone who was genuinely kind, and honestly didn’t know how to decipher between people-pleasing and true loving kindness. But over time, as you’ve described here, I realized that when I’m fawning, I can feel my body constricting. But when my actions are coming from a genuine place, I feel expansive. I’ve come a long way, but It took me far too long to understand the difference. That’s why I’m so grateful for people like you who are helping others recognize these harmful and self-sabotaging patterns.
Kindness for me feels like it comes from my heart and feels expansive and good. Or even if it’s hard I want to be there for that person. When I figured out the whole fawning thing I realized there was a degree of fear or anxiety there. Or sometimes even resistance. Like I don’t want to do this but I feel like I have no choice or that I “should”.
Allow me to add one more: if you’re not already, become physically stronger and more competent. Go to the gym, learn how to fight and use weapons. Overcome physical challenges like difficult hikes or climbing or sports. Underneath the “fawning” is a feeling that you can’t (or wouldn’t) physically defend yourself against someone you piss off.
Oh yes! I've been doing that. I started going to the gym and just did a 7 mile hike last month. It really does help me realize I'm a lot more resilient than I have thought in my mind that I was.
This hit home. I need to sit with this for a while. Packed with truth. We get so angry when we realize that we have wasted much of our life pleasing every one else and ignoring ourselves. But instead we need to be kind to ourselves, extend ourselves the grace we so quickly offered everyone else. We did what we needed to do to survive. Now, we have the tools that we need to do the job differently and so we move on . But we need to now speak to ourselves differently than we have in the past. Our internal language matters now more than ever if we are to change and create the lives we actually want .
Thank you for posting this. I joke to my family that “She was sorry” should be my epitaph because I say “I’m sorry” like it’s a tic. It’s really not that funny. At all.
I went through an awakening on this subject very recently - 2 years ago to be exact - and it took me exaclty 1,5 years to find my footing. It is as freeing as it is frightening to discover your true self, eliminate people who you realize did not value you or only took from you, to understand what you love and do not love and so on.
However it is completely worth it because it changes the way you live; it not only changes your inner self but the way you operate in the real world with real people. You find the right relationships, you become more efficient at work, you put real boundaries to your family etc.
Now reading this, I realize what a huge step it was and how my life became the best version of itself in the last 2 years. This was great to read and I encourage everyone who read this piece and think "this might be me" to take a look inside themselves. <3
Desire amnesia! What an amazing term. I have lived away from my abuser now for as long as I was with him. But I still don’t know what I want to do, what I think is fun. After the divorce I dedicated myself to my children. My life revolved around them. They had endured so much trauma, I was intent on giving them a drama free life, only then they were the drama. Now they are grown, my youngest is 24 and all out of the house, though I am raising my 5 year old grandchild. My oldest two children have mental health issues. Sleep, sleep is my fun. It really is what I enjoy most. I am in therapy. This will be something we talk about this week I’m sure.
I just need to say wow 😮 it’s subtle how after 30 years of knowing that I accommodate others and when I don’t they get angry—- and say I’m not empathetic. I’m #7 of nine kids- I learned how to be pleasing to my older siblings and my Mom. I repeated it in my marriages. I lost myself when I was a stay at home mother. Then finally woke up found my way out.
Not mocking, but could 7 of 9 be more perfect? We are the borg, you will be accommodated. Thank you for sharing. People have a lot of really good advice but it's hope giving when someone has beaten it after the 'personality solidification' age, when change is so much harder.
I loved this article, thank you, friend. I teach my clients about the Fawn Response often, and the look of relief that washes over their faces gives me goosebumps. It's so reassuring for them to realize that there is a function underneath this behavior, and it's how they know to survive a perceived trauma... until they can learn alternative methods. That's where your tips come in handy!
This piece felt like looking into a mirror and really seeing myself properly for the first time for who I am. Oof - hit me in a way that feels too real! Things that I identified as being flight or freeze were actually fawning. It describes so much of my relationship with my mother in particular, but also other authority figures in my life. It's both comforting and shell-shocking to feel so seen in this way. Thank you for sharing this 🙏
This was so incredibly enlightening. Wow. I hate to say it but I think this is me. I just thought it was because I was a Mom that so forgot what I liked but I think this is the reason. I’m going to save this post and come back to it. Thanks. I’ve never heard of fawn but I’m going to look into it.
This was so helpful. I checked off every single sign listed. I do all the above. Avoiding punishment is a great explanation of it all. I remember a long time ago when I was a kid, my parents with held dinner from us until one of us came forward about not flushing the toilet. My brothers never came forward and I don't remember not flushing the toilet, but I didn't want us to stand there and not eat while my parents did. Especially since it was Valentine's Day and they were wanting to give us cards with our dinner. So I took the heat. Got a spanking and stood in the corner, even though I'm pretty sure it wasn't me or either of my brothers. Bottom line is, I think it set a precedent as I grew up because I was the scapegoat for things that weren't my fault. Sure, my brother saw the corner and a spanking more times than I did, but there were things that happened that I also took the blame for even if it wasn't my fault. And that still happens now. Honestly, sometimes I think I suffer from mental abuse. And it lines up with what this article talks about in how my "niceness" is a way to avoid punishment. Though I end up paying for it anyway.
Perfect case on point. That photo of Jackie Kennedy on Air Force One after the assasination of her husband John. I saw this response on her face, a face with hollow eyes and a slight smile as traitors gloated over her.
I’m learning to give no Fucks about other people’s feelings but having been a people pleaser for 50 years it’s taking some getting used to. The hypervigilance definitely is hard AF to unlearn.
Maybe you don’t need to unlearn but rather need a path into your authority over this by a reframe? Take a look at my response on this post and see if it resonates.
When I first learned about fawning, I was confused. I identified as someone who was genuinely kind, and honestly didn’t know how to decipher between people-pleasing and true loving kindness. But over time, as you’ve described here, I realized that when I’m fawning, I can feel my body constricting. But when my actions are coming from a genuine place, I feel expansive. I’ve come a long way, but It took me far too long to understand the difference. That’s why I’m so grateful for people like you who are helping others recognize these harmful and self-sabotaging patterns.
My mother was a fawner.
She knew it, but did nothing about it and lived a miserable life.
She used to say “I’m saying yes on the outside, but inside I’m screaming NO!”
That broke my heart. I’m sure that was frustrating and painful to witness. I’m glad the pattern didn’t continue with you.
Oh it did! But I worked on breaking it earlier in my life.
I'd like to hear some words on how to decipher between people-pleasing and true loving kindness.
I think there is a degree of "people pleasing" in me. I want to be liked and admired.
This can include kindness to others. I think the way to think of it is: will what I do help others or is it only self serving.
Also being kind includes being kind to myself.
Kindness for me feels like it comes from my heart and feels expansive and good. Or even if it’s hard I want to be there for that person. When I figured out the whole fawning thing I realized there was a degree of fear or anxiety there. Or sometimes even resistance. Like I don’t want to do this but I feel like I have no choice or that I “should”.
I am in people pleaser rehab and every single word of this rang so true
Same!
Allow me to add one more: if you’re not already, become physically stronger and more competent. Go to the gym, learn how to fight and use weapons. Overcome physical challenges like difficult hikes or climbing or sports. Underneath the “fawning” is a feeling that you can’t (or wouldn’t) physically defend yourself against someone you piss off.
Oh yes! I've been doing that. I started going to the gym and just did a 7 mile hike last month. It really does help me realize I'm a lot more resilient than I have thought in my mind that I was.
Just yesterday I thought: I should take some kind of martial arts class.
This hit home. I need to sit with this for a while. Packed with truth. We get so angry when we realize that we have wasted much of our life pleasing every one else and ignoring ourselves. But instead we need to be kind to ourselves, extend ourselves the grace we so quickly offered everyone else. We did what we needed to do to survive. Now, we have the tools that we need to do the job differently and so we move on . But we need to now speak to ourselves differently than we have in the past. Our internal language matters now more than ever if we are to change and create the lives we actually want .
Thank you for such powerful writing.
Wow .
Thank you for posting this. I joke to my family that “She was sorry” should be my epitaph because I say “I’m sorry” like it’s a tic. It’s really not that funny. At all.
It's okay to be Canadian.
I went through an awakening on this subject very recently - 2 years ago to be exact - and it took me exaclty 1,5 years to find my footing. It is as freeing as it is frightening to discover your true self, eliminate people who you realize did not value you or only took from you, to understand what you love and do not love and so on.
However it is completely worth it because it changes the way you live; it not only changes your inner self but the way you operate in the real world with real people. You find the right relationships, you become more efficient at work, you put real boundaries to your family etc.
Now reading this, I realize what a huge step it was and how my life became the best version of itself in the last 2 years. This was great to read and I encourage everyone who read this piece and think "this might be me" to take a look inside themselves. <3
Desire amnesia! What an amazing term. I have lived away from my abuser now for as long as I was with him. But I still don’t know what I want to do, what I think is fun. After the divorce I dedicated myself to my children. My life revolved around them. They had endured so much trauma, I was intent on giving them a drama free life, only then they were the drama. Now they are grown, my youngest is 24 and all out of the house, though I am raising my 5 year old grandchild. My oldest two children have mental health issues. Sleep, sleep is my fun. It really is what I enjoy most. I am in therapy. This will be something we talk about this week I’m sure.
Thank you, and it is. I’m doing well but it is hard to think of what I enjoy doing. I’ll have to work on that.
Wishing you the best. I hope life is much happier and mostly joyful for you now. Wishing you the best.
I just need to say wow 😮 it’s subtle how after 30 years of knowing that I accommodate others and when I don’t they get angry—- and say I’m not empathetic. I’m #7 of nine kids- I learned how to be pleasing to my older siblings and my Mom. I repeated it in my marriages. I lost myself when I was a stay at home mother. Then finally woke up found my way out.
Not mocking, but could 7 of 9 be more perfect? We are the borg, you will be accommodated. Thank you for sharing. People have a lot of really good advice but it's hope giving when someone has beaten it after the 'personality solidification' age, when change is so much harder.
I loved this article, thank you, friend. I teach my clients about the Fawn Response often, and the look of relief that washes over their faces gives me goosebumps. It's so reassuring for them to realize that there is a function underneath this behavior, and it's how they know to survive a perceived trauma... until they can learn alternative methods. That's where your tips come in handy!
MMMHMMM wow does this hit close to home
This piece felt like looking into a mirror and really seeing myself properly for the first time for who I am. Oof - hit me in a way that feels too real! Things that I identified as being flight or freeze were actually fawning. It describes so much of my relationship with my mother in particular, but also other authority figures in my life. It's both comforting and shell-shocking to feel so seen in this way. Thank you for sharing this 🙏
this was painful to realize
but if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…
This was so incredibly enlightening. Wow. I hate to say it but I think this is me. I just thought it was because I was a Mom that so forgot what I liked but I think this is the reason. I’m going to save this post and come back to it. Thanks. I’ve never heard of fawn but I’m going to look into it.
This was so helpful. I checked off every single sign listed. I do all the above. Avoiding punishment is a great explanation of it all. I remember a long time ago when I was a kid, my parents with held dinner from us until one of us came forward about not flushing the toilet. My brothers never came forward and I don't remember not flushing the toilet, but I didn't want us to stand there and not eat while my parents did. Especially since it was Valentine's Day and they were wanting to give us cards with our dinner. So I took the heat. Got a spanking and stood in the corner, even though I'm pretty sure it wasn't me or either of my brothers. Bottom line is, I think it set a precedent as I grew up because I was the scapegoat for things that weren't my fault. Sure, my brother saw the corner and a spanking more times than I did, but there were things that happened that I also took the blame for even if it wasn't my fault. And that still happens now. Honestly, sometimes I think I suffer from mental abuse. And it lines up with what this article talks about in how my "niceness" is a way to avoid punishment. Though I end up paying for it anyway.
Perfect case on point. That photo of Jackie Kennedy on Air Force One after the assasination of her husband John. I saw this response on her face, a face with hollow eyes and a slight smile as traitors gloated over her.
I’m learning to give no Fucks about other people’s feelings but having been a people pleaser for 50 years it’s taking some getting used to. The hypervigilance definitely is hard AF to unlearn.
Maybe you don’t need to unlearn but rather need a path into your authority over this by a reframe? Take a look at my response on this post and see if it resonates.
https://www.killthesilencemovement.com/p/the-fawning-response-how-your-niceness/comment/120287246?r=qxzo1&utm_medium=ios