Wow. This is so good. For six years I've been waiting for some kind of closure (and reconciliation) for a fall out with my sister where we both hurt one another. If only I could explain myself...If only we could have the conversation she never wants to have...if only she would own her part...yes, she's a narcissist...on and on. You really nailed the questions, the way the mind works and how to kick the habit. I'm going to keep this post for re-reads.
I remember when I finally got the "apology " from my dad: "I'm sorry if
anything I ever did hurt you. "
Molested starting at 8.
Porn by 10.
Kidnapped at 11.
Starved (growth stunted) at 12 for being "fat", while working an adult job in his restaurant.
Got a pew pew and threatened my mother, adult sister & bil, and their baby, when my sister said I could live with them. I went back to him and stepmommy. I had just turned 14. He disinherited me. When I got back, everything I owned (clothes, books, mementos) was in garbage bags so they could throw it away if I didn't submit.
Etc.
When I told my siblings, my brother said basically, "It's not much, but it's more than I got. " Which was true.
I’m wide eyed and speechless. What you’ve gone through is so devastating. I hope you find a way to heal and be at peace. I’m so very sorry that this happened to you.
Yeah, I'm better now. I had a really good therapist when I was in my 20s. I paid about 25% of my monthly income at the time for therapy, and it was worth every penny.
From experience: the sooner you let go of whatever it is that is holding you hostage, the sooner you’ll be free. What you need for your peace and joy comes from you, not an external source. When you can truly love and care for yourself you will have satisfying and meaningful relationships with others. Forgive yourself. We can’t expect our past selves to know what we know today.
Sometimes you just never get closure and you have to be OK with it. Because the other person doesn't care. You don't need to waste your time caring either.
So much resonant truth to me in this: not getting the response / explanation that you crave but you still can’t stop looking for it until you realise you’re powerless with this need - a madness indeed. 🤯
Ah, my friend, you name something I know in my bones: that endless circling, that hunger for “the answer” that never lands. For me, it was family, war, betrayal, silence. I chased letters, confessions, apologies that never came. Each time, the silence grew heavier, and I mistook that weight for my own failure.
And indeed the hardest and most liberating turn was realizing closure was never theirs to give.
This article has spoken of the problem I’m having and the process I’m currently trying to free myself from. To see it stated so cleanly and clearly is a profound message that came to me at the right time. Thank you 🙏🏼
I created closure for myself today with my ex. I didn’t seek it out. She called me this morning. The conversation was about our dog. It was the very absolute end for me. Closure FINALLY achieved. Had a moment of clarity, a brief chat with a friend, a little cry, a large hug, and a long walk, in that order. All is right in the world. I feel free. I want to make art and look at art. 📸🌉🌁🖼️
I've NEVER thought of this behaviour (that I have, admittedly, displayed on numerous occassions) as an addiction, but it makes so much sense - very enlightening post.
Thank you for this. I worked with a trauma therapist for 4 years. One day I got a text saying he had taken a new job and was ending his practice. Just like that. Apparently in California it’s not a crime to abandon your patients, not give a referral and just close. Luckily I was able to find a new therapist. I now understand that I took care of myself as best as I could.
Loved this. I so relate to what you describe and am so relieved that you didnt mention forgiveness. You didnt suggest that we ignore the hurt and pain and forgive, so we are free. Thank you. And thank youbfor your advice. I will be givingbit a go. Words I needed to hear
I’ve always felt that requiring closure is like chasing smoke. The more you grasp for it, the less you can breathe. Especially when the hurt was intentional, waiting for the one who burned you to also be the one who heals you is its own kind of poison.
You are probably familiar with this, but if not, I’ll leave it here.
The Journey-Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Wow. This is so good. For six years I've been waiting for some kind of closure (and reconciliation) for a fall out with my sister where we both hurt one another. If only I could explain myself...If only we could have the conversation she never wants to have...if only she would own her part...yes, she's a narcissist...on and on. You really nailed the questions, the way the mind works and how to kick the habit. I'm going to keep this post for re-reads.
Hey Christine, if you felt this resonated you may also like this ♡ https://open.substack.com/pub/genumagazine/p/you-dont-need-closure-you-need-mental?r=q5tm1&utm_medium=ios
Wasted years trying to understand and mitigate cruelty and abuse.
Just STOP looking for answers
I remember when I finally got the "apology " from my dad: "I'm sorry if
anything I ever did hurt you. "
Molested starting at 8.
Porn by 10.
Kidnapped at 11.
Starved (growth stunted) at 12 for being "fat", while working an adult job in his restaurant.
Got a pew pew and threatened my mother, adult sister & bil, and their baby, when my sister said I could live with them. I went back to him and stepmommy. I had just turned 14. He disinherited me. When I got back, everything I owned (clothes, books, mementos) was in garbage bags so they could throw it away if I didn't submit.
Etc.
When I told my siblings, my brother said basically, "It's not much, but it's more than I got. " Which was true.
All 3 of us were excluded in his will.
I’m wide eyed and speechless. What you’ve gone through is so devastating. I hope you find a way to heal and be at peace. I’m so very sorry that this happened to you.
Yeah, I'm better now. I had a really good therapist when I was in my 20s. I paid about 25% of my monthly income at the time for therapy, and it was worth every penny.
From experience: the sooner you let go of whatever it is that is holding you hostage, the sooner you’ll be free. What you need for your peace and joy comes from you, not an external source. When you can truly love and care for yourself you will have satisfying and meaningful relationships with others. Forgive yourself. We can’t expect our past selves to know what we know today.
Maybe the real closure is loving myself. Love this.
Sometimes you just never get closure and you have to be OK with it. Because the other person doesn't care. You don't need to waste your time caring either.
So much resonant truth to me in this: not getting the response / explanation that you crave but you still can’t stop looking for it until you realise you’re powerless with this need - a madness indeed. 🤯
Ah, my friend, you name something I know in my bones: that endless circling, that hunger for “the answer” that never lands. For me, it was family, war, betrayal, silence. I chased letters, confessions, apologies that never came. Each time, the silence grew heavier, and I mistook that weight for my own failure.
And indeed the hardest and most liberating turn was realizing closure was never theirs to give.
This article has spoken of the problem I’m having and the process I’m currently trying to free myself from. To see it stated so cleanly and clearly is a profound message that came to me at the right time. Thank you 🙏🏼
I like how direct you are. The bottom line, why do we want to give these people more time? We already know they waste our time.
I appreciate your encouragement - I definitely need closure and the energy it will free up, that I will use to create a life I love.
I created closure for myself today with my ex. I didn’t seek it out. She called me this morning. The conversation was about our dog. It was the very absolute end for me. Closure FINALLY achieved. Had a moment of clarity, a brief chat with a friend, a little cry, a large hug, and a long walk, in that order. All is right in the world. I feel free. I want to make art and look at art. 📸🌉🌁🖼️
I've NEVER thought of this behaviour (that I have, admittedly, displayed on numerous occassions) as an addiction, but it makes so much sense - very enlightening post.
Thank you for this. I worked with a trauma therapist for 4 years. One day I got a text saying he had taken a new job and was ending his practice. Just like that. Apparently in California it’s not a crime to abandon your patients, not give a referral and just close. Luckily I was able to find a new therapist. I now understand that I took care of myself as best as I could.
Dude, Cody. This is an incredible post. Thank you so much for writing and sharing it. Praying for you and your family!
Loved this. I so relate to what you describe and am so relieved that you didnt mention forgiveness. You didnt suggest that we ignore the hurt and pain and forgive, so we are free. Thank you. And thank youbfor your advice. I will be givingbit a go. Words I needed to hear
I’ve always felt that requiring closure is like chasing smoke. The more you grasp for it, the less you can breathe. Especially when the hurt was intentional, waiting for the one who burned you to also be the one who heals you is its own kind of poison.