I’ve Said Things I Can’t Take Back
There’s no point pretending otherwise.
I’ve said some heavy shit.
Words that were ugly. Words that hit too hard.
Things that weren’t fair. Or kind. Or deserved.
But if you’ve never said something you regretted while your nervous system was on fire,
you probably haven’t lived through real trauma.
When you grow up constantly defending yourself—physically, emotionally, psychologically—sometimes your mouth learns to fight before you even realize you’re under attack.
Sometimes your body still thinks you’re in a war, even when no one’s throwing punches.
And when that moment hits, the version of you that’s calm, measured, and “appropriate” goes offline.
What’s left is instinct. Raw defense. Survival-mode impulse.
I’ve spent years untangling that version of me.
Not hating him. Not excusing him either.
Just understanding why he showed up and learning how to tell him he doesn’t need to anymore.
That’s what healing has looked like for me.
It hasn’t been clean or gentle.
It’s been brutal, honest, and costly.
But I’d rather be someone who lost his cool because he gave a shit
than someone who stayed calm while people walked all over him.
If you’ve said things in pain that don’t reflect who you are
If you’ve lashed out while begging, underneath, just to be seen
If you’ve ever written something that made you flinch when you reread it later
You’re not a bad person.
You’re not broken.
You’re not abusive.
You’re not doomed.
You were hurting.
And maybe no one taught you how to ask for help without bleeding first.
I’m not interested in perfection anymore.
I’ve burned too many versions of myself trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.
What I care about now is integrity.
And integrity isn’t about never losing it.
It’s about what you do after.
It’s about owning the damage.
It’s about repairing what you can and forgiving what you couldn’t say better at the time.
This is Kill The Silence.
We don’t hide behind shame.
We don’t pretend we’ve never lost our cool.
We just tell the truth and keep getting better.
— Cody Taymore
Kill The Silence
If this gave you clarity, peace, or just helped you feel a little less alone — and you want to support more work like this — you can leave a small tip here.
This made me feel understood. Thank you for that x
Before my healing journey and when my ocpd perfectionism was at its complete worst, I'd have moments for (lack of knowing what to correctly call), like ptsd moments, that were surging moments of immense hurt whenever I'd recall/revisit some things im not proud of ever saying aloud to another human or myself (in my innerworld). This would make my mind quickly jump or seek something else to avoid such searing pain of regret and shame. Not till my recent healing journey (im very much still navigating)- have i finally been able to return to these memories safe from pain to simply visit & understand the vulnerability that was touched in that moment so I can give myself a peace offering, the gift of grace, without discrediting once perceived "bad" qualities like always speaking my mind openly and honestly, often without filter 🫠 🥰