How Trauma Survivors Become Abusers (And the 7 Warning Signs to Watch For)
I’ve spent a lot of time documenting abusive patterns. How narcissists operate. How manipulators control. How emotional abuse destroys people from the inside out.
But there’s a pattern nobody talks about: Trauma survivors who become abusers themselves.
Not physically. Most never raise a hand. But verbally. Emotionally. They deploy the exact tactics that were used on them.
And they don’t realize it’s happening until the damage is done.
If you’re a trauma survivor, here’s what nobody tells you: You’re at risk of repeating the patterns that destroyed you.
Not because you’re broken. Not because you’re evil. But because abuse is learned behavior. When you’re overwhelmed and desperate, your brain reaches for the tools it knows. Even if those tools once destroyed you.
“The scariest thing about becoming an abuser isn’t that you’re a monster. It’s that you don’t even realize it’s happening until the damage is done.”
This isn’t about excuses. This is about pattern recognition. The same skill I’ve been teaching you to identify narcissists and manipulators, you need to turn on yourself.
Here are the 7 warning signs you’re repeating what hurt you.
1. Weaponizing Words When Cornered
When someone wants something you can’t give, instead of saying “I need space” or “I’m overwhelmed,” the response is cruelty.
Not because of lost control. Because it works.
They back off. Relief comes. The cruelty creates instant distance without requiring vulnerability. It’s efficient. Strategic. That’s what makes it abuse.
The words are chosen for maximum impact. And afterward, there might be guilt, but in the moment? They were meant.
The test: Are “outbursts” actually strategic? Do they happen when someone needs to retreat? That’s not emotional dysregulation. That’s learned behavior.
2. Punishing People for Triggering Trauma
Someone does something completely normal. But trauma interprets it as a threat. And instead of recognizing the trauma is lying, they pay for the feeling they didn’t cause.
They want intimacy when you’re triggered. They ask a normal question when you’re hypervigilant. They have a past that activates wounds.
And the attack comes. Not because they did anything wrong. Because they made you feel something you couldn’t handle.
“You turn them into the villain in a story that has nothing to do with them.”
The pattern: Turning them into the villain in a story that has nothing to do with them. Making them responsible for managing trauma responses. That’s not their job.
3. Violating Boundaries Then Raging When Trust Breaks
Lies. Privacy invasions. Broken promises. Crossed lines.
And then when trust breaks, fury comes. Making them feel crazy for not trusting after proving untrustworthy.
The double bind: If they trust, violation comes. If they don’t trust, punishment comes. There’s no way to win.
This is textbook abuser behavior. Being betrayed before doesn’t give permission to betray others and rage when they protect themselves.
4. Feeling Disgusted by Things That Shouldn’t Disgust You
Moral judgment toward something about a partner. Their past. Their choices. Their body. Their family. Something that doesn’t actually harm anyone.
Assuming that disgust is authentic. A valid boundary.
But whose voice is that actually?
Chances are, it’s the abuser’s programming. Purity standards installed by a parent. Shame taught early. Judgment projected from someone else.
That’s not setting boundaries. That’s repeating abuse.
“If you feel visceral disgust toward someone for being human, that’s not your values talking. That’s malware.”
If visceral disgust comes from someone being human, that’s not values talking. That’s malware.
5. Can’t Separate “I Need Space” From “I Need to Destroy You”
Healthy people create distance with words: “I need some time alone.” “Can we talk about this later?” “I’m overwhelmed right now.”
People repeating abusive patterns create distance with cruelty.
Space can’t just be asked for. The knowledge isn’t there. So something cutting gets said until they leave. The abuse becomes the boundary.
Here’s why this is dangerous: The brain starts associating cruelty with relief. Training happens to reach for emotional violence every time feeling trapped occurs.
That’s how occasional verbal abuse becomes a pattern. That’s how someone becomes a person who chronically hurts people to regulate their own nervous system.
6. Interpreting Normal Needs as Attacks
When a nervous system is stuck in survival mode, everything feels like a threat.
Someone asking where you’ve been feels like an interrogation. Someone wanting time feels suffocating. Someone expressing hurt feels like an attack.
The response isn’t to what’s actually happening. It’s to what hypervigilance says is happening.
The cost: Benign requests become battles. People become afraid to ask for normal things. An environment gets created where they manage your emotional volatility instead of you managing it yourself.
That’s not partnership. That’s hostage taking.
7. Exploding When Someone Tries to Leave
When someone pulls away or ends things, sadness doesn’t come. Rage does.
Because to an abandonment wounded brain, them leaving isn’t “this relationship didn’t work.” It’s proof of being unlovable. It’s every wound reopening at once.
So lashing out happens. Trying to make them feel as worthless as you feel. Punishing them for leaving before they’re even gone.
“The angrier you get, the more you prove they should leave. You create the exact outcome you’re terrified of.”
The trap: The angrier it gets, the more it proves they should leave. The exact feared outcome gets created.
And then their leaving becomes evidence that everyone abandons. Never acknowledging they were given no choice.
Why This Happens
When someone realizes they’ve been abused, manipulated, abandoned by family, the baseline emotion often isn’t sadness. It’s rage.
That rage doesn’t turn off. Constant fight or flight. Everyone feels like a threat. Everything feels like an attack.
And the people closest become targets for rage that has nothing to do with them.
Someone can be both trauma survivor and abuser.
Both things are true. The pain is real. And the pain caused is also real.
“Unprocessed trauma doesn’t just hurt you. It makes you hurt other people.”
This is what gets left out: Unprocessed trauma doesn’t just hurt you. It makes you hurt other people.
What Accountability Actually Looks Like
Real accountability isn’t posting apologies for validation. It’s not explaining until someone says “I understand.”
Real accountability is:
Naming what happened without softening it
Recognizing impact on others, not just intent
Not asking for forgiveness, closure, or confirmation of not being evil
Doing the work to change whether anyone sees it or not
The Way Out
You can’t think your way out of learned abuse. You can’t white knuckle your way to being better.
Because when triggered, overwhelmed, cornered, the brain reaches for the tools it knows.
Trauma therapy is needed:
EMDR to process original wounds so they stop controlling the present
Somatic therapy to regulate the nervous system out of constant threat mode
IFS or parts work to integrate pieces that learned abuse as survival
DBT skills to create boundaries without destruction
Addiction treatment if self medicating is happening
If You Recognize These Patterns
You’re not a monster. You’re repeating learned patterns.
But you’re responsible for breaking the cycle.
Trauma explains behavior. It doesn’t excuse harm. The people hurt don’t owe patience while figuring it out.
“Get help before you destroy someone who deserves better. Before you become another person someone else has to heal from.”
Get help before destroying someone who deserves better. Before becoming another person someone else has to heal from.
To Anyone Who’s Been Hurt by a Trauma Survivor
This article isn’t asking for empathy toward someone who was abusive.
You don’t owe an abuser understanding. You don’t owe forgiveness. You don’t owe anything.
Their trauma explains behavior. It doesn’t make it okay. And it doesn’t make what happened to you any less real.
You were right to leave. You were right to protect yourself. You were right to stop accepting abuse, regardless of their reasons.
Understanding why they hurt you doesn’t mean tolerating being hurt.
The cycle can be broken. But not alone. Not without help.
If you recognize these patterns, make the call. Get the therapy. Do the work.
You’re not too broken to change. But you can’t do it alone.
—Cody Taymore
Kill The Silence
This one cut deep. I think this is one of the most heartbreaking parts of my job, knowing that the person being prosecuted is often a survivor too. Damaged people damage, and it’s something we almost never talk about.
What you’ve written here captures that complexity so clearly. It’s not about excuses, it’s about seeing how trauma repeats itself until it’s faced. I’ve seen that same pattern play out in real lives, where survival strategies become harm in their own right.
It’s messy, isn’t it? Good, bad, victim, abuser, all tangled together in one person. The pain that was never processed turns outward. The same defences that once kept someone alive start to destroy what they love.
I think the way you hold both accountability and empathy here matters. You name the damage, but you also see the human being behind it. That balance is rare, and it’s needed. This is such a brave and important piece.
I frequently ask myself •“is this real? Or is it Memorex?” When things go “wrong”. Familiar.
•Is it my trigger or theirs? Owning my part and allowing them to perceive theirs. I learned how to have a “summit” where we both really listen to each other.
•Remember what a partnership really is.