This one cut deep. I think this is one of the most heartbreaking parts of my job, knowing that the person being prosecuted is often a survivor too. Damaged people damage, and it’s something we almost never talk about.
What you’ve written here captures that complexity so clearly. It’s not about excuses, it’s about seeing how trauma repeats itself until it’s faced. I’ve seen that same pattern play out in real lives, where survival strategies become harm in their own right.
It’s messy, isn’t it? Good, bad, victim, abuser, all tangled together in one person. The pain that was never processed turns outward. The same defences that once kept someone alive start to destroy what they love.
I think the way you hold both accountability and empathy here matters. You name the damage, but you also see the human being behind it. That balance is rare, and it’s needed. This is such a brave and important piece.
I frequently ask myself •“is this real? Or is it Memorex?” When things go “wrong”. Familiar.
•Is it my trigger or theirs? Owning my part and allowing them to perceive theirs. I learned how to have a “summit” where we both really listen to each other.
My husband, in our early years, would tell me, in an argument, after I'd lashed back at him way too harshly, "I didn't mean to hurt you. But you meant to hurt me and you did it on purpose." I was shocked! I'd been taught that if somebody said something hurtful, even accidentally, it was all out war. His vulnerability in that moment taught me a lot.
I hope she realizes how much the people around her has so much tolerance towards her and not take it for granted. It’s kinda hard for people to change once they reach middle age but it is possible. But something must happen that’ll break them down before their eyes are open.
🥲🥲🥲 yea this is tough. But the subconscious is very powerful. Deep down people know when they’re being mean and cruel. They just don’t know how to be vulnerable. Perhaps her parents were harsh to her growing up. So they never learned how to take accountability or say sorry for the wrong things they’ve done. And they’re in pain (probably emotional pain of also feeling unseen unheard and misunderstood) and carry a lot of shame. People who are cruel to others are because they don’t have enough love in themselves. So all of that come out in their poor behaviour (they act out whatever big feelings they have inside) 😮💨. But noone gets away with anything. Deep deep deep deep down, they know how bad they are. Shame is powerful. This is why some ppl never change on the outside. But they do feel it.
I know one in my life too that’s kinda like that. Well actually 2. Father and daughter. The father already died tho but he did eventually apologize to his ex wife for everything he did. The daughter, who has similar personalities like the dad, is one that I’m watching to see… will she grow up sooner or not… kinda hoping she would. We’ll see 😮💨
This is a helpful, supportive and understanding article that inspires hope and movement towards safer and healthier relationships. I agree with every part. However, a part of me read with discomfort. I wonder if we can find a way to rephrase versions of 'the abused become the abusers'. I have worked with many young adults who have come to me convinced they are doomed to become terrible people because they have suffered childhood abuse or believe they already are bad. This is often determined without any evidence, other than they have heard this phrase. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy or, more likely, one that inspires self-punishment. I don't know what this change looks like, but perhaps people need the message without the headline.
Cody, this piece is both courageous and necessary. You’ve named what so many trauma survivors struggle to see; that pain, when left unhealed, doesn’t just stay inward; it eventually spills outward. Your words confront a sobering truth with compassion: that we can be both wounded and wounding, both victim and vessel of harm, often without realizing it.
What makes this reflection so powerful is that it refuses to simplify the human condition. You don’t excuse the behavior, yet you honor the humanity of those caught in the cycle; showing that accountability and empathy are not enemies, but partners in transformation. The distinction you make between explanation and excuse is vital; trauma can shape behavior, but it never absolves responsibility.
I was struck by your line: “The scariest thing about becoming an abuser isn’t that you’re a monster. It’s that you don’t even realize it’s happening until the damage is done.” That sentence alone could open countless hearts to self-examination and repentance. It exposes the quiet ways unprocessed pain masquerades as protection. It also reminds us that real healing requires both humility and help; that awareness without change still leaves collateral damage.
Spiritually speaking, this message mirrors something deeply biblical: the call to renew the mind (Romans 12:2) and to allow the Holy Spirit to transform what trauma once programmed. Healing is not an act of willpower, it’s a surrender to grace and disciplined renewal, layer by layer.
Your conclusion carries the weight of a warning and the light of hope: “You’re not too broken to change. But you can’t do it alone.” That is gospel truth for the modern soul; raw, redemptive, and urgently needed.
Thank you for writing what others are too afraid to admit. Pieces like this don’t just raise awareness; they call us back to responsibility, empathy, and the hard, holy work of becoming whole.
Wow that article hit me. It's like a window to our home...this validation helps very much. The long way to even understand what was and is happening ... it took me years. And on this way a lot of emotional damage was done.
But slowly slowly after so many inflicted drama and conflict cycles repeating themselves...i truly feel there might be a chance of a transformational path leading us both out of the repeating pattern with variations in spirals. Is this hard work! Definitely. It's exhausting! Yes. Do I know if it's going to be worth it by the end of my life. I don't. It's not black and white. That I know. Does it still hurt. Yes sometimes. Do I learn about my own hurt boundaries and how to own and honor them. Yes. ... what helps me is to hold myself accountable as much as possible; leave a tense situation early enough if possible if I feel hurt and tempted to react (that costs me a lot sometimes); to address and specify abusive behavior very clear and specific and explain the impact it had when the dust settles; try to avoid identifying my wife with her actions or apply any form of labels or stigma; try recognizing when I am about to manage my wife's mood changes and emotions and leave that responsibility with her and engage with my own hyper vigilant behavior I developed during this marriage; holding myself accountable to work on my revers path back to my centered and calm nervous system I once had. Engage into therapy myself to get myself the help and support I need...learn and understand how I could let it come so far. That my own echo of childhood trauma resonated as long as hidden under the surface. What's my part in all this. Years and years of walking through the rough parts together...
Now: my wife does not so often anymore inflict conflict drama, withdraws or insults me suddenly (out of nowhere really) to gain the space she needs. Instead she learned to recognize her need to regulate her overwhelming emotions and express it - she now says: I just really need some space now. I don't feel like talking. Can we please discuss this later on I really feel stressed out about this right now.
What remains difficult for her: name specific emotions. Instead she often says: "it does something to me"...meaning being triggered but not being able to name what exactly the feelings are that arise. And so forth.
Have I thought of leaving. From time to time yes, eg when the pressure seemed unbearable after an extreme accumulation of conflict/drama and related behavior over a very short period of time. To preserve my own health...But then: this sweet soul, my wife, I love her. She is a very vulnerable and loving and truly caring soul too. And I can be as impossible, imperfect, reactive, unreasonable and engaging y blind spots.
We both are willing to transform and to look at things. And I decided for myself: I work on being my trusted me. That's my path. It might well be we will not walk this path entirely together but I hope we do and i am committed to. I am however also committed to my own mental, emotional and physical health and balance. I deserve light and laughter and space and independence...This is not negotiable to me. This I owe myself deeply. Do I know that working through this is the right decision? No. I don't. But it is life in itself that is precious like a sweet butterfly. Is there love and compassion? Self compassion? Absolutely yes. Does love itself hurt? No. Absolutely not.
We both are not our actions. So there is hope for transformation. We walk the path...
Again, very enlightening. I love your perspective. The problem here is I see myself. I could never, ever figure out why I was so ragingly angry and wtf my problem is/was. This brief piece has enlightened me way more than I probably wanted.... but you have to be real. The last part for the people that have been attacked by idots like me was very true. The people I've lashed out at dont owe me anything, and unfortunately I've lost a lot. It was all learned behavior from a family that hit me hard when I was way to young to be exposed to that type of garbage. I became what I was attacked by and I've lost. I do see the truth.
This one cut deep. I think this is one of the most heartbreaking parts of my job, knowing that the person being prosecuted is often a survivor too. Damaged people damage, and it’s something we almost never talk about.
What you’ve written here captures that complexity so clearly. It’s not about excuses, it’s about seeing how trauma repeats itself until it’s faced. I’ve seen that same pattern play out in real lives, where survival strategies become harm in their own right.
It’s messy, isn’t it? Good, bad, victim, abuser, all tangled together in one person. The pain that was never processed turns outward. The same defences that once kept someone alive start to destroy what they love.
I think the way you hold both accountability and empathy here matters. You name the damage, but you also see the human being behind it. That balance is rare, and it’s needed. This is such a brave and important piece.
I frequently ask myself •“is this real? Or is it Memorex?” When things go “wrong”. Familiar.
•Is it my trigger or theirs? Owning my part and allowing them to perceive theirs. I learned how to have a “summit” where we both really listen to each other.
•Remember what a partnership really is.
Beautiful! I was sent to instant tears reading your comment. I am trying this strategy myself, but it still hurts
My husband, in our early years, would tell me, in an argument, after I'd lashed back at him way too harshly, "I didn't mean to hurt you. But you meant to hurt me and you did it on purpose." I was shocked! I'd been taught that if somebody said something hurtful, even accidentally, it was all out war. His vulnerability in that moment taught me a lot.
I know someone like this. She's still fighting a war that's been over for 30+ years and the people closest to her are her punching bags.
Is she alone? Has everyone left her yet?
People who don't know they're being abused often mistake abuse for love. And you can't tell them otherwise until they're ready.
I hope she realizes how much the people around her has so much tolerance towards her and not take it for granted. It’s kinda hard for people to change once they reach middle age but it is possible. But something must happen that’ll break them down before their eyes are open.
She's elderly. She's not going to change. She can't see what she's become.
🥲🥲🥲 yea this is tough. But the subconscious is very powerful. Deep down people know when they’re being mean and cruel. They just don’t know how to be vulnerable. Perhaps her parents were harsh to her growing up. So they never learned how to take accountability or say sorry for the wrong things they’ve done. And they’re in pain (probably emotional pain of also feeling unseen unheard and misunderstood) and carry a lot of shame. People who are cruel to others are because they don’t have enough love in themselves. So all of that come out in their poor behaviour (they act out whatever big feelings they have inside) 😮💨. But noone gets away with anything. Deep deep deep deep down, they know how bad they are. Shame is powerful. This is why some ppl never change on the outside. But they do feel it.
I know one in my life too that’s kinda like that. Well actually 2. Father and daughter. The father already died tho but he did eventually apologize to his ex wife for everything he did. The daughter, who has similar personalities like the dad, is one that I’m watching to see… will she grow up sooner or not… kinda hoping she would. We’ll see 😮💨
This is a helpful, supportive and understanding article that inspires hope and movement towards safer and healthier relationships. I agree with every part. However, a part of me read with discomfort. I wonder if we can find a way to rephrase versions of 'the abused become the abusers'. I have worked with many young adults who have come to me convinced they are doomed to become terrible people because they have suffered childhood abuse or believe they already are bad. This is often determined without any evidence, other than they have heard this phrase. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy or, more likely, one that inspires self-punishment. I don't know what this change looks like, but perhaps people need the message without the headline.
Eye opening. Any chance you could flesh this out a bit more? Or are there any resources to learn more about it?
Cody, this piece is both courageous and necessary. You’ve named what so many trauma survivors struggle to see; that pain, when left unhealed, doesn’t just stay inward; it eventually spills outward. Your words confront a sobering truth with compassion: that we can be both wounded and wounding, both victim and vessel of harm, often without realizing it.
What makes this reflection so powerful is that it refuses to simplify the human condition. You don’t excuse the behavior, yet you honor the humanity of those caught in the cycle; showing that accountability and empathy are not enemies, but partners in transformation. The distinction you make between explanation and excuse is vital; trauma can shape behavior, but it never absolves responsibility.
I was struck by your line: “The scariest thing about becoming an abuser isn’t that you’re a monster. It’s that you don’t even realize it’s happening until the damage is done.” That sentence alone could open countless hearts to self-examination and repentance. It exposes the quiet ways unprocessed pain masquerades as protection. It also reminds us that real healing requires both humility and help; that awareness without change still leaves collateral damage.
Spiritually speaking, this message mirrors something deeply biblical: the call to renew the mind (Romans 12:2) and to allow the Holy Spirit to transform what trauma once programmed. Healing is not an act of willpower, it’s a surrender to grace and disciplined renewal, layer by layer.
Your conclusion carries the weight of a warning and the light of hope: “You’re not too broken to change. But you can’t do it alone.” That is gospel truth for the modern soul; raw, redemptive, and urgently needed.
Thank you for writing what others are too afraid to admit. Pieces like this don’t just raise awareness; they call us back to responsibility, empathy, and the hard, holy work of becoming whole.
Blessings!
Wow that article hit me. It's like a window to our home...this validation helps very much. The long way to even understand what was and is happening ... it took me years. And on this way a lot of emotional damage was done.
But slowly slowly after so many inflicted drama and conflict cycles repeating themselves...i truly feel there might be a chance of a transformational path leading us both out of the repeating pattern with variations in spirals. Is this hard work! Definitely. It's exhausting! Yes. Do I know if it's going to be worth it by the end of my life. I don't. It's not black and white. That I know. Does it still hurt. Yes sometimes. Do I learn about my own hurt boundaries and how to own and honor them. Yes. ... what helps me is to hold myself accountable as much as possible; leave a tense situation early enough if possible if I feel hurt and tempted to react (that costs me a lot sometimes); to address and specify abusive behavior very clear and specific and explain the impact it had when the dust settles; try to avoid identifying my wife with her actions or apply any form of labels or stigma; try recognizing when I am about to manage my wife's mood changes and emotions and leave that responsibility with her and engage with my own hyper vigilant behavior I developed during this marriage; holding myself accountable to work on my revers path back to my centered and calm nervous system I once had. Engage into therapy myself to get myself the help and support I need...learn and understand how I could let it come so far. That my own echo of childhood trauma resonated as long as hidden under the surface. What's my part in all this. Years and years of walking through the rough parts together...
Now: my wife does not so often anymore inflict conflict drama, withdraws or insults me suddenly (out of nowhere really) to gain the space she needs. Instead she learned to recognize her need to regulate her overwhelming emotions and express it - she now says: I just really need some space now. I don't feel like talking. Can we please discuss this later on I really feel stressed out about this right now.
What remains difficult for her: name specific emotions. Instead she often says: "it does something to me"...meaning being triggered but not being able to name what exactly the feelings are that arise. And so forth.
Have I thought of leaving. From time to time yes, eg when the pressure seemed unbearable after an extreme accumulation of conflict/drama and related behavior over a very short period of time. To preserve my own health...But then: this sweet soul, my wife, I love her. She is a very vulnerable and loving and truly caring soul too. And I can be as impossible, imperfect, reactive, unreasonable and engaging y blind spots.
We both are willing to transform and to look at things. And I decided for myself: I work on being my trusted me. That's my path. It might well be we will not walk this path entirely together but I hope we do and i am committed to. I am however also committed to my own mental, emotional and physical health and balance. I deserve light and laughter and space and independence...This is not negotiable to me. This I owe myself deeply. Do I know that working through this is the right decision? No. I don't. But it is life in itself that is precious like a sweet butterfly. Is there love and compassion? Self compassion? Absolutely yes. Does love itself hurt? No. Absolutely not.
We both are not our actions. So there is hope for transformation. We walk the path...
Again, very enlightening. I love your perspective. The problem here is I see myself. I could never, ever figure out why I was so ragingly angry and wtf my problem is/was. This brief piece has enlightened me way more than I probably wanted.... but you have to be real. The last part for the people that have been attacked by idots like me was very true. The people I've lashed out at dont owe me anything, and unfortunately I've lost a lot. It was all learned behavior from a family that hit me hard when I was way to young to be exposed to that type of garbage. I became what I was attacked by and I've lost. I do see the truth.
Appreciate your writings very much. Great for both those dealing with or causing the described behaviours.
This is such an important topic that almost nobody is talking about. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you: Words of Wisdom Newsletter: https://open.substack.com/pub/drkimberlyhandy/p/words-of-wonder-week-four-november?r=2io6s&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false