Cody, it's interesting that the picture you selected for this brutally accurate essay includes trophies. I penned an essay about the time, as a little boy, my parents once presented me with a little plastic trophy that was inscribed with the following: "WORLD'S GREATEST LOSER."
As the person in my family clinically termed the "identified patient" ("scapegoat" in plain lingo), "Loser" was essentially my birthright. Sixty years later, I'm still coming to terms with this, with the myriad ways I fell short in life in order to unconsciously align with this disgusting designation.
I may never post this unfinished essay anywhere – or I might. Still not sure.
In any event, reminding myself the fallacy that "They did their best..." – and going over this essay, and your courageous work in general – may motivate me enough to follow through with it.
We should be honest, some people have no business being parents. Ever. I do not understand why everyone is required to have training and a license for everything but can simply procreate without a damn clue about raising children. It is illogical.
And they do. I hadn’t considered the fishing license. Thanks for that. It’s simply absurd, isn’t it? There is a woman I encountered who has had 4 children removed from her. Currently, she is pregnant with number 5. No job, no home, likely on drugs….not really an auspicious way to come into the world.
I have to disagree. Damaged people hurt people, even their family. Mental illness is real, and not everyone has the resources to get help. Does that excuse child abuse or neglect or even a toxic environment. Absolutely not. And for sure a lot of people should never have kids.
Abused children often become the abusers. Whose fault is that?
Yvonne I agree with you. Unfortunately I can't capture every scenario in each piece. I'm writing from a place of what is true to me in my experiences with my family. As always, take what is helpful and throw the rest out. Thank you for reading and for your comment!
I also don’t believe that you should stay in a relationship with anyone who is toxic to you, even if it is your mom. I used to struggle with my relationships with my daughters because they both have mental illness’s. However, once I learned how to put boundaries up I managed to establish a much better relationship with them.
Most of their problems result from living in the toxic home I raised them in. Their father was very toxic, and often violent. I didn’t know how to leave him without “Biblical justification”. I was pretty brainwashed.
This is so great, Cody. My mom’s favorite sentence was, “It’s not my fault because I have mental illness.” I still remember how that made me feel, and I made sure never to say it to my own children so they wouldn’t have that feeling themselves. Thanks for the good affirmations.
When others hurt you it’s willful blindness because deep down they know it’s not right that it’s causing harm. But instead of trying to do better they default to behavior that is easy and automatic as it is ingrained in them. It’s much harder to rewire yourself and choose not to pass down dysfunction.
Cody, it's interesting that the picture you selected for this brutally accurate essay includes trophies. I penned an essay about the time, as a little boy, my parents once presented me with a little plastic trophy that was inscribed with the following: "WORLD'S GREATEST LOSER."
As the person in my family clinically termed the "identified patient" ("scapegoat" in plain lingo), "Loser" was essentially my birthright. Sixty years later, I'm still coming to terms with this, with the myriad ways I fell short in life in order to unconsciously align with this disgusting designation.
I may never post this unfinished essay anywhere – or I might. Still not sure.
In any event, reminding myself the fallacy that "They did their best..." – and going over this essay, and your courageous work in general – may motivate me enough to follow through with it.
Thank you.
We should be honest, some people have no business being parents. Ever. I do not understand why everyone is required to have training and a license for everything but can simply procreate without a damn clue about raising children. It is illogical.
Amen
Agreed! You need a license to drive and – get this – a license to fish.
But any yokel can procreate...
And they do. I hadn’t considered the fishing license. Thanks for that. It’s simply absurd, isn’t it? There is a woman I encountered who has had 4 children removed from her. Currently, she is pregnant with number 5. No job, no home, likely on drugs….not really an auspicious way to come into the world.
I have to disagree. Damaged people hurt people, even their family. Mental illness is real, and not everyone has the resources to get help. Does that excuse child abuse or neglect or even a toxic environment. Absolutely not. And for sure a lot of people should never have kids.
Abused children often become the abusers. Whose fault is that?
I think life is much more complicated than this.
Yvonne I agree with you. Unfortunately I can't capture every scenario in each piece. I'm writing from a place of what is true to me in my experiences with my family. As always, take what is helpful and throw the rest out. Thank you for reading and for your comment!
I also don’t believe that you should stay in a relationship with anyone who is toxic to you, even if it is your mom. I used to struggle with my relationships with my daughters because they both have mental illness’s. However, once I learned how to put boundaries up I managed to establish a much better relationship with them.
Most of their problems result from living in the toxic home I raised them in. Their father was very toxic, and often violent. I didn’t know how to leave him without “Biblical justification”. I was pretty brainwashed.
I did finally leave, but not nearly soon enough.
Thanks for this. I am over the gaslighting, for sure.
Thank you for sharing this 👍
This is so great, Cody. My mom’s favorite sentence was, “It’s not my fault because I have mental illness.” I still remember how that made me feel, and I made sure never to say it to my own children so they wouldn’t have that feeling themselves. Thanks for the good affirmations.
When others hurt you it’s willful blindness because deep down they know it’s not right that it’s causing harm. But instead of trying to do better they default to behavior that is easy and automatic as it is ingrained in them. It’s much harder to rewire yourself and choose not to pass down dysfunction.