Excellent post. Here’s to those of us who have come to love “boring”. If I had to have a theme song for my life at this point, it would be No Surprises by Radiohead, “No alarms and no surprises, please.”
Great post, Cody! This just made me realize that I may have been in a trauma bond with a friend that I eventually ended a 10 year friendship with. It doesn’t always have to be romantic. Your trauma bond would’ve been hard to identify because you were trusting someone who was supposed to have your best interest at heart. Also, who would ever suspect that their therapist would do something like that to them? It was insanely predatory of her.
You aren’t just explaining the psychology—you’re showing what it feels like from the inside: the confusion, the shame, the loyalty, the pull, the withdrawal, the way your own body can turn into the trap. The honesty about your role—not in causing the abuse, but in trying to survive it—felt brave in a way people rarely admit out loud. What stayed with me most was how you name the difference between fault and power: the trauma wasn’t your doing, but you’re the one who gets to decide what happens next. That’s the part survivors rarely hear, and maybe the part we need the most. Your story doesn’t just explain trauma bonding—it gives people permission to see themselves without shame.
There was only one time I tasted that bittersweet bind, the silent, electric pull of a trauma bond. It’s a strange kind of devotion that feels like love but leaves you breathless in the shadows. I didn’t know I was entwined until I tried to untangle myself and realized how deep the roots ran. Reading this feels like a soft, urgent call, an invitation to feel the ache, the confusion, and finally, the fierce courage to break free. If you’ve ever felt that invisible thread wrap tight around your heart, know you’re not alone, and freedom is always waiting in the space beyond.
Yes, the trauma bond doesn’t always have to be romantic. It always begins with the promise of understanding, care, and safety, regardless of the relationship. Once that illusion is secured, the rug gets pulled out from under you.
It’s that murky space between the formation of the bond and the dawning realisation of what it truly is—that’s where we stumble. But there’s no shame in not knowing consciously, even when something in us feels it deeply on an unconscious level. That quiet knowing is often the first seed of freedom.
I’m genuinely in awe of your strength after only six months out. Maybe it’s because it wasn’t romantic, or maybe that has nothing to do with it—either way, what you endured was still a deeply personal betrayal.
Your writing is something I genuinely look forward to. You write with power and a raw vulnerability that so few are brave enough to share. I’m rooting for your healing, your victory—and yes, unapologetically—for her downfall too.
" confused intensity with intimacy, chaos with passion, and manipulation with care."....Yes, this perfectly describes my trauma bonding with a woman friend. She keeps people in a death lock by exploiting her fear of abandonment and making others afraid to leave her. I mistook her intense openness with depth, and her ping ponging chaos for passion. She placed the responsibility for her mental and emotional stability on me, (and when I was unavailable on others) while of course putting herself in a position to return the favor from time to time. I was the only one who really knew and saw her (tolerated her bullshit). It took my full on mental break down in her house to lift the veil and see the toxic dynamic for what it was. When I proved to be unreliable as her source of stability, she flipped scripts, telling me to leave, but also not, cause everyone always abandoned her, and then she started denigrading me with a look of discust on her face. That's when I was DONE, my nervoussystem had had enough of the chaos and unsafety, and I left, went home....mended the connection with my husband. I had convinced myself, through her toxic cynicism and suspiciousness, that my husband was the abuser. Turns out she was and my husband was on to her. How I know I made the right decision to leave and not look back? I felt relieved. I was shocked at that realisation, she weighed me down so hard, that I didn't even know how heavy my life had become with her in it. I'm still detoxing...the rash around my eyes is slowly fading and my nervous system is calming down. I'm taking much more time and care with letting people in my sacred space from now on. I don't want this for myself anymore, I deserve better.
P.S Thanks for writing about this in such a clear manner. So taugh you went through this and lost so much money. I can imagine the self flagulating thoughts, but you've made it through and are (I hope) thriving again.
I recognize the signs you’re talking about. I believe I’ve experienced a trauma bond or two before. Somehow, I was able to extricate myself from this. Perhaps it’s been my lived experience dealing with bullying and familial favoritism that allowed me to live uncomfortably while I did so(who knew these things could be a positive?). You did a great job at very clearly describing what a trauma bond is - and that it is not just one kind of bond. I hadn’t really thought of it that way before, I don’t think. And it has given me some food for thought as I reflect on how to help others I know who are still dealing with trauma.
I’m sorry that happened to you, and I hope you were able to hold them accountable for their manipulations.
I believe God uses these experiences in our lives so that we are equipped to help others and so we can outsmart the enemy. I think you’ve been under heavy fire for a while. The enemy looks to destroy our sense of identity and self-worth. The very safety of our souls. And it seems he’s been very busy disrupting your life for a while. It must really piss him off you have emerged from that web of lies!
Here comes the crazy Christian planting seeds… In my experience I have only found unconditional love with Jesus. He knows who each of us are better than we know ourselves, and He still wants to be a part of our lives. In Him, I have come to realize no matter what, I am not alone, I have a purpose, and I am loved. Despite my present circumstances, and intermittent bouts of frustration mixed with grief, I have a core of peace. (None of us here are invulnerable to our fleshly rebellion it seems) Any rational person would look at what I’m dealing with and ask me how I could even approach a sense of peace. But it’s true.
If you don’t know Jesus, I urge you to consider doing so. I’m not talking about joining a specific church. Just a personal relationship with Christ. He lived a perfect life, and endured God’s wrath upon himself for our sins, and paid the debt for ALL of our sins- past, present, and even future sins we may commit. (That part still blows my mind!) And then, He overcame death and was resurrected. He lives even today- with the Father. And because of that, each of us can now can go to Him, ask for forgiveness, repent from our sins, accept Him as our Savior. Through this the Holy Spirit will baptize a truly seeking heart, and you will begin to see how He will create you anew. And in there, peace will reside. True freedom from trauma bonds or otherwise. Because at your core you know He has your back.
So just my 2 cents, okay, maybe a nickel’s worth. I pray your journey and sharing it will be a blessing to others who need to start their journey away from the enemy’s lies too. And here’s hoping your experience will also help plant seeds for #TeamJesus because whether you know it or not, He’s been working in your life. And He has great plans for you! 🖖🏻🫶🏻🙌🏻😬
Excellent article, thanks for sharing this. I am so sorry you experienced this and just want to say I did too. From a manager and then a “trusted advisor.” Love that you are sharing your story and giving others the space to feel comfortable sharing theirs too.
"Trauma bonds aren't just about romance. They're about any relationship where someone has conditioned your nervous system to accept mistreatment as connection." This felt very similar to what it was like to leave a culty Christian fundamentalist church. I spent so many years asking myself why didn’t I „just“ leave? It’s not like I was married to this institution. But „just leaving“ for my nervous system was choosing to „go to hell.“ logically I deconstructed, but it has taken years after leaving for my nervous system to catch up. Thank you for this post. It helped click a few more pieces in place for me to move on.
Just the words of encouragement I needed this morning Cody. Thankyou—from the bottom of my heart. This truly is so very hard; last time I didn’t get this far and oh my gosh I definitely wasn’t ready! Well, honestly I don’t feel ready now, but this helps me understand it more. I think the difference this time around is that I’m coming from a place of loving and forgiving myself. So we’ll see how it goes!
Excellent post. Here’s to those of us who have come to love “boring”. If I had to have a theme song for my life at this point, it would be No Surprises by Radiohead, “No alarms and no surprises, please.”
Great post, Cody! This just made me realize that I may have been in a trauma bond with a friend that I eventually ended a 10 year friendship with. It doesn’t always have to be romantic. Your trauma bond would’ve been hard to identify because you were trusting someone who was supposed to have your best interest at heart. Also, who would ever suspect that their therapist would do something like that to them? It was insanely predatory of her.
Yeah it was a complete mindfuck to put it softly LOL
Absolutely! I can't even begin to imagine, but you have one hell of a story to tell and I know it's helping so many others!
You aren’t just explaining the psychology—you’re showing what it feels like from the inside: the confusion, the shame, the loyalty, the pull, the withdrawal, the way your own body can turn into the trap. The honesty about your role—not in causing the abuse, but in trying to survive it—felt brave in a way people rarely admit out loud. What stayed with me most was how you name the difference between fault and power: the trauma wasn’t your doing, but you’re the one who gets to decide what happens next. That’s the part survivors rarely hear, and maybe the part we need the most. Your story doesn’t just explain trauma bonding—it gives people permission to see themselves without shame.
There was only one time I tasted that bittersweet bind, the silent, electric pull of a trauma bond. It’s a strange kind of devotion that feels like love but leaves you breathless in the shadows. I didn’t know I was entwined until I tried to untangle myself and realized how deep the roots ran. Reading this feels like a soft, urgent call, an invitation to feel the ache, the confusion, and finally, the fierce courage to break free. If you’ve ever felt that invisible thread wrap tight around your heart, know you’re not alone, and freedom is always waiting in the space beyond.
OMG. Exactly what I’m experiencing… telling me the most ridiculous stories and people out to get us it’s exhausting.
Yes, the trauma bond doesn’t always have to be romantic. It always begins with the promise of understanding, care, and safety, regardless of the relationship. Once that illusion is secured, the rug gets pulled out from under you.
It’s that murky space between the formation of the bond and the dawning realisation of what it truly is—that’s where we stumble. But there’s no shame in not knowing consciously, even when something in us feels it deeply on an unconscious level. That quiet knowing is often the first seed of freedom.
I’m genuinely in awe of your strength after only six months out. Maybe it’s because it wasn’t romantic, or maybe that has nothing to do with it—either way, what you endured was still a deeply personal betrayal.
Your writing is something I genuinely look forward to. You write with power and a raw vulnerability that so few are brave enough to share. I’m rooting for your healing, your victory—and yes, unapologetically—for her downfall too.
This was intensely accurate, eloquent, direct, empathetic, realistic and helpful. Thank you.
" confused intensity with intimacy, chaos with passion, and manipulation with care."....Yes, this perfectly describes my trauma bonding with a woman friend. She keeps people in a death lock by exploiting her fear of abandonment and making others afraid to leave her. I mistook her intense openness with depth, and her ping ponging chaos for passion. She placed the responsibility for her mental and emotional stability on me, (and when I was unavailable on others) while of course putting herself in a position to return the favor from time to time. I was the only one who really knew and saw her (tolerated her bullshit). It took my full on mental break down in her house to lift the veil and see the toxic dynamic for what it was. When I proved to be unreliable as her source of stability, she flipped scripts, telling me to leave, but also not, cause everyone always abandoned her, and then she started denigrading me with a look of discust on her face. That's when I was DONE, my nervoussystem had had enough of the chaos and unsafety, and I left, went home....mended the connection with my husband. I had convinced myself, through her toxic cynicism and suspiciousness, that my husband was the abuser. Turns out she was and my husband was on to her. How I know I made the right decision to leave and not look back? I felt relieved. I was shocked at that realisation, she weighed me down so hard, that I didn't even know how heavy my life had become with her in it. I'm still detoxing...the rash around my eyes is slowly fading and my nervous system is calming down. I'm taking much more time and care with letting people in my sacred space from now on. I don't want this for myself anymore, I deserve better.
P.S Thanks for writing about this in such a clear manner. So taugh you went through this and lost so much money. I can imagine the self flagulating thoughts, but you've made it through and are (I hope) thriving again.
I’m a Christian. I began to realize sometimes I was making people “god” in my life.
I think this can happen with codependency therapists—making them gods, instead of turning to GOD.
Now I think “how can I point others to GOD?”
I recognize the signs you’re talking about. I believe I’ve experienced a trauma bond or two before. Somehow, I was able to extricate myself from this. Perhaps it’s been my lived experience dealing with bullying and familial favoritism that allowed me to live uncomfortably while I did so(who knew these things could be a positive?). You did a great job at very clearly describing what a trauma bond is - and that it is not just one kind of bond. I hadn’t really thought of it that way before, I don’t think. And it has given me some food for thought as I reflect on how to help others I know who are still dealing with trauma.
I’m sorry that happened to you, and I hope you were able to hold them accountable for their manipulations.
I believe God uses these experiences in our lives so that we are equipped to help others and so we can outsmart the enemy. I think you’ve been under heavy fire for a while. The enemy looks to destroy our sense of identity and self-worth. The very safety of our souls. And it seems he’s been very busy disrupting your life for a while. It must really piss him off you have emerged from that web of lies!
Here comes the crazy Christian planting seeds… In my experience I have only found unconditional love with Jesus. He knows who each of us are better than we know ourselves, and He still wants to be a part of our lives. In Him, I have come to realize no matter what, I am not alone, I have a purpose, and I am loved. Despite my present circumstances, and intermittent bouts of frustration mixed with grief, I have a core of peace. (None of us here are invulnerable to our fleshly rebellion it seems) Any rational person would look at what I’m dealing with and ask me how I could even approach a sense of peace. But it’s true.
If you don’t know Jesus, I urge you to consider doing so. I’m not talking about joining a specific church. Just a personal relationship with Christ. He lived a perfect life, and endured God’s wrath upon himself for our sins, and paid the debt for ALL of our sins- past, present, and even future sins we may commit. (That part still blows my mind!) And then, He overcame death and was resurrected. He lives even today- with the Father. And because of that, each of us can now can go to Him, ask for forgiveness, repent from our sins, accept Him as our Savior. Through this the Holy Spirit will baptize a truly seeking heart, and you will begin to see how He will create you anew. And in there, peace will reside. True freedom from trauma bonds or otherwise. Because at your core you know He has your back.
So just my 2 cents, okay, maybe a nickel’s worth. I pray your journey and sharing it will be a blessing to others who need to start their journey away from the enemy’s lies too. And here’s hoping your experience will also help plant seeds for #TeamJesus because whether you know it or not, He’s been working in your life. And He has great plans for you! 🖖🏻🫶🏻🙌🏻😬
Amazing work Cody! thank you for sharing your experience, thoughts and advice. Much appreciated ❤️
another addiction.
I have felt therapist try to control.
Just run.
Excellent article, thanks for sharing this. I am so sorry you experienced this and just want to say I did too. From a manager and then a “trusted advisor.” Love that you are sharing your story and giving others the space to feel comfortable sharing theirs too.
Great work and insight 💕
Thank you Michelle I appreciate it
"Trauma bonds aren't just about romance. They're about any relationship where someone has conditioned your nervous system to accept mistreatment as connection." This felt very similar to what it was like to leave a culty Christian fundamentalist church. I spent so many years asking myself why didn’t I „just“ leave? It’s not like I was married to this institution. But „just leaving“ for my nervous system was choosing to „go to hell.“ logically I deconstructed, but it has taken years after leaving for my nervous system to catch up. Thank you for this post. It helped click a few more pieces in place for me to move on.
Just the words of encouragement I needed this morning Cody. Thankyou—from the bottom of my heart. This truly is so very hard; last time I didn’t get this far and oh my gosh I definitely wasn’t ready! Well, honestly I don’t feel ready now, but this helps me understand it more. I think the difference this time around is that I’m coming from a place of loving and forgiving myself. So we’ll see how it goes!