You think you're being nice. You think you're being helpful. You think you're being a good person. But what if I told you that your people-pleasing is actually the cruelest thing you do to yourself?
I wish that I'd read this decades ago, but the reality is that it's only in the last year or so that I've finally been taking my own wants and needs into consideration.
Cody, absolutely brilliant piece right here. Covered all bases. As a recovered PP, it resonated. I hope whoever needed to hear this did. And felt reassured by your honesty and care, that there truly is a loved filled life on the other side. Thank you for pouring your truth and soul into this🙏✨❤️
Not gonna lie, this was hard for me to read. The truth hurts. Not that it was news to me.
The cycle of people-pleasing and self-blame is very hard to break--I blame myself for being such a pushover, and punish myself with more of the same behaviour I was blaming myself for. Meanwhile the behaviour becomes ever more entrenched in the relationship--and yeah, I also understand that this prevents the other person from having opportunities to be challenged and grow. And I hate myself for that too. So sometimes I blow up a relationship in an attempt to break the cycle, but it just resumes with someone else.
I'm learning (slowly) that changing my relationship with myself has to come before changing relationships with other people. And that self-forgiving is messy and imperfect. I can't let go of a lifetime of self-directed anger all at once, and I'm still living in the context of relationships built on the behaviours I'm trying to change. So I'm trying to cut myself a little slack (that's hard to write--part of me is shouting that expecting anything less than perfect behaviour from myself is a cop-out--meanwhile I'll make endless excuses for other people's poor behaviour).
Anyway, thanks for writing another challenging and helpful piece.
Such truth… and being in a caregiving profession of nursing just fueled this. After many years of therapy and working on boundaries, I have gotten much better. But I did notice the people pleasing tendency when I started writing for SubStack and I anxiously waited for likes, followers and subscribers. “Do they like me? Do they like what I’m writing?” I have to keep reminding myself that I’m writing to heal and share what I’ve learned. Not to be liked.
Wow that's powerful - so fab. I was recently thinking how society sells us so much BS that gets internalized. PP is def there. I hope this post and its message reaches all those who need to hear it. Spot on.
This hit hard today because I fell into this pattern once again just a few hours ago. It's the small stuff too - specifically, going for a haircut, being very detailed about the amount I want trimmed and the length I want to maintain, yet having the stylist completely ignore my wishes by cutting way too much and, instead of speaking up and (respectfully) voicing my dissatisfaction as a paying customer, smiling, agreeing it's great, paying without saying a word so as not to offend or upset the young beauty technician or come across as a difficult client, and then proceeding to march home, fuming and cursing because I'm anything but happy with the outcome...
I've calmed down reasonably (because it's just hair that, fortunately, grows back quickly in my case), but now I'm so angry with myself because, as so often, I accepted something that I was clearly not satisfied with. I should've said honestly that she cut too much and that the result was not to my liking, but for me, that would've felt like stabbing that girl in the heart (dramatic ,I know, but that's really the feeling complaining about or criticising others evokes within me)...
It's such a silly example, but it's been occupying my mind all day because it is just a small demonstration of how I am prone to swallowing everything just so I'm not perceived as difficult, bitchy, or high-maintenance. Little incidents like this are just the tip of the ice berg though.
😅 I understand your frustration. It's like when you order food and they get it wrong. At least on the bright side you won't have to go back anytime soon.
"Fuming and cursing'" I wish I could have heard that 😅 for some strange reason. You held back your "shadow self" or else you would have unleashed your Stephanie-fury on that poor girl. 😆 Think of all the past haircuts that went well....this one didn't. You have to see it in that context.
Yes, another perfect example! And another situation where I probably wouldn't say anything and just eat what they bring me 🤦🏻♀️
I'm sure I was visibly fuming, but I was cursing silently 😂😉
My hair grows very fast, luckily. Knowing it's only a temporary "problem" has helped me put things into perspective.
It's not even a bad cut - technically, it's good - but not what I wanted or asked for... I was more angry with myself for not speaking up than I was with her not implementing my wishes though.
Unfortunately, I've trained myself to suppress "Shadow Stephanie" ever since I was a child, but I've made a vow to release her from now on when necessary - the rational, respectful version who doesn't become irrate, but expresses her dissatisfaction and/or anger.
My next cut will be with my regular stylist though 😉
Sometimes you have to allow your shadow self to come out or else you build up too much pressure and wind up over-reacting or even exploding in a situation.
So much value in what you share here Cody. Especially - "Social media hasn't just made people-pleasing easier. It's made it mandatory." I am seeking for my online writing to NOT be this exact thing.
Here is something you might find interesting: Paul Leendertse started The Root Cause Institute and wrote a stellar book on the root cause of cancer. In his years of experience in helping people resolve cancer, he noticed that people with unresolved trauma and stress had much higher rates. He specifically says that “nice people” have much higher rates of illness. Since I used to determine the overhead rate for federally sponsored research and we have not cured cancer despite having spent a bazillion dollars on it, I find his hypothesis to be a possibility worth looking into. I hope at some point, the medical industry will recognize that there is not a pill for other people’s psychopathy, too.
👏👏👏😮💨 just woke up to this after 30+ years of codependency and people pleasing… and being “nice”. Holy shit, the flood gates of rage and anger flew open with such force; it was glorious. The flow of these emotions has slowed to a dependable trickle now and I enjoy every moment of anger deeply like a kid in an icecream shop 👹🍦at first I was actually scarred it would never stop but then I stopped caring and it slowed down.
I love how this post is written differently from others you have (or at least it felt different to me). It feels raw and extremely direct, like it's coming directly from your rage of suffering it. You are quite literally shaking my shoulders as I'm reading it. That's how it feels and of course it's resonates! I didn't know what boundaries were until quite recently, I was always the one taking care of everyone.
As much as I love "no is a full sentence", I wish everybody knew "you are worthy" it's one too 🥰
I wish that I'd read this decades ago, but the reality is that it's only in the last year or so that I've finally been taking my own wants and needs into consideration.
Thank you Robert.
Cody, absolutely brilliant piece right here. Covered all bases. As a recovered PP, it resonated. I hope whoever needed to hear this did. And felt reassured by your honesty and care, that there truly is a loved filled life on the other side. Thank you for pouring your truth and soul into this🙏✨❤️
Thank you Nicola!!
So many good lines in here. My favorite one is: "People-pleasing doesn't make you easier to love. It makes you impossible to know."
I'd say that this one is more of a whole manual than an article.
Thank you for writing this, Cody. A lot to go through and digest.🙏🏻
Not gonna lie, this was hard for me to read. The truth hurts. Not that it was news to me.
The cycle of people-pleasing and self-blame is very hard to break--I blame myself for being such a pushover, and punish myself with more of the same behaviour I was blaming myself for. Meanwhile the behaviour becomes ever more entrenched in the relationship--and yeah, I also understand that this prevents the other person from having opportunities to be challenged and grow. And I hate myself for that too. So sometimes I blow up a relationship in an attempt to break the cycle, but it just resumes with someone else.
I'm learning (slowly) that changing my relationship with myself has to come before changing relationships with other people. And that self-forgiving is messy and imperfect. I can't let go of a lifetime of self-directed anger all at once, and I'm still living in the context of relationships built on the behaviours I'm trying to change. So I'm trying to cut myself a little slack (that's hard to write--part of me is shouting that expecting anything less than perfect behaviour from myself is a cop-out--meanwhile I'll make endless excuses for other people's poor behaviour).
Anyway, thanks for writing another challenging and helpful piece.
Calling people-pleasing what it really is—self-abuse was a wake-up call. This post is truth.
When people say “be kind to everyone,”
remember you are part of that everyone.
Such truth… and being in a caregiving profession of nursing just fueled this. After many years of therapy and working on boundaries, I have gotten much better. But I did notice the people pleasing tendency when I started writing for SubStack and I anxiously waited for likes, followers and subscribers. “Do they like me? Do they like what I’m writing?” I have to keep reminding myself that I’m writing to heal and share what I’ve learned. Not to be liked.
Such a great response.
This was the most thorough, spot-on analysis of people-pleasing I've ever read.
Wow that's powerful - so fab. I was recently thinking how society sells us so much BS that gets internalized. PP is def there. I hope this post and its message reaches all those who need to hear it. Spot on.
This hit hard today because I fell into this pattern once again just a few hours ago. It's the small stuff too - specifically, going for a haircut, being very detailed about the amount I want trimmed and the length I want to maintain, yet having the stylist completely ignore my wishes by cutting way too much and, instead of speaking up and (respectfully) voicing my dissatisfaction as a paying customer, smiling, agreeing it's great, paying without saying a word so as not to offend or upset the young beauty technician or come across as a difficult client, and then proceeding to march home, fuming and cursing because I'm anything but happy with the outcome...
I've calmed down reasonably (because it's just hair that, fortunately, grows back quickly in my case), but now I'm so angry with myself because, as so often, I accepted something that I was clearly not satisfied with. I should've said honestly that she cut too much and that the result was not to my liking, but for me, that would've felt like stabbing that girl in the heart (dramatic ,I know, but that's really the feeling complaining about or criticising others evokes within me)...
It's such a silly example, but it's been occupying my mind all day because it is just a small demonstration of how I am prone to swallowing everything just so I'm not perceived as difficult, bitchy, or high-maintenance. Little incidents like this are just the tip of the ice berg though.
😅 I understand your frustration. It's like when you order food and they get it wrong. At least on the bright side you won't have to go back anytime soon.
"Fuming and cursing'" I wish I could have heard that 😅 for some strange reason. You held back your "shadow self" or else you would have unleashed your Stephanie-fury on that poor girl. 😆 Think of all the past haircuts that went well....this one didn't. You have to see it in that context.
Yes, another perfect example! And another situation where I probably wouldn't say anything and just eat what they bring me 🤦🏻♀️
I'm sure I was visibly fuming, but I was cursing silently 😂😉
My hair grows very fast, luckily. Knowing it's only a temporary "problem" has helped me put things into perspective.
It's not even a bad cut - technically, it's good - but not what I wanted or asked for... I was more angry with myself for not speaking up than I was with her not implementing my wishes though.
Unfortunately, I've trained myself to suppress "Shadow Stephanie" ever since I was a child, but I've made a vow to release her from now on when necessary - the rational, respectful version who doesn't become irrate, but expresses her dissatisfaction and/or anger.
My next cut will be with my regular stylist though 😉
“Shadow Stephanie” 😅
Sometimes you have to allow your shadow self to come out or else you build up too much pressure and wind up over-reacting or even exploding in a situation.
😅
So much value in what you share here Cody. Especially - "Social media hasn't just made people-pleasing easier. It's made it mandatory." I am seeking for my online writing to NOT be this exact thing.
Here is something you might find interesting: Paul Leendertse started The Root Cause Institute and wrote a stellar book on the root cause of cancer. In his years of experience in helping people resolve cancer, he noticed that people with unresolved trauma and stress had much higher rates. He specifically says that “nice people” have much higher rates of illness. Since I used to determine the overhead rate for federally sponsored research and we have not cured cancer despite having spent a bazillion dollars on it, I find his hypothesis to be a possibility worth looking into. I hope at some point, the medical industry will recognize that there is not a pill for other people’s psychopathy, too.
👏👏👏😮💨 just woke up to this after 30+ years of codependency and people pleasing… and being “nice”. Holy shit, the flood gates of rage and anger flew open with such force; it was glorious. The flow of these emotions has slowed to a dependable trickle now and I enjoy every moment of anger deeply like a kid in an icecream shop 👹🍦at first I was actually scarred it would never stop but then I stopped caring and it slowed down.
Exactly: ‘You're choosing to be safe over being authentic.
And that choice is killing you slowly.’ 🎯
I love how this post is written differently from others you have (or at least it felt different to me). It feels raw and extremely direct, like it's coming directly from your rage of suffering it. You are quite literally shaking my shoulders as I'm reading it. That's how it feels and of course it's resonates! I didn't know what boundaries were until quite recently, I was always the one taking care of everyone.
As much as I love "no is a full sentence", I wish everybody knew "you are worthy" it's one too 🥰
What a great post. Unlearning people pleasing in my 70s! But at least I know I can do this to become the me I want to be!