Cody, I don’t know if anyone’s told you: you have a gift for breaking things down and making them understandable without dumbing them down. I wanted to be sure you know that. I’m so grateful for you and your writing. Thank you.
Cody, I loved this. Have you met me. I even get paid for being the strong one now, in harrowing situations. Recently I have realised that I who is there for everyone else has no one to turn to when I need support. We support others but the debt is rarely repaid. We have been given the role of carer and to break the rules would let everyone down. I am only just beginning the process you describe and it is terrifying. The world hasn't fallen apart but caring is my way of keeping control, the way my system keeps the world safe . . . and to stop doing so opens a vortex . . . thank you for your post. It is one I will keep reading
So true, Cody! This is so well written and honestly—needed to be said. My parents call me “the strong one” and I’m always sitting there staring blankly at them, thinking “only because I had to survive you”. This is why I dislike terms like “high-functioning”. It’s not a skill, it’s survival.
Reading this, I feel it deep in my chest. The truth is, letting yourself be human isn’t weakness; it’s the only way back to life, to genuine connection, to rest. And it’s terrifying because it means the world you’ve built around being invincible might shift, but it’s also the doorway to freedom. I have learned that I don’t have to carry it all alone because we were never meant to.
Cody - I loved this. It triggered the sh*t out of me and spiraled back memories that will never be resigned to live in the past; but it was very well written, vulnerable and honest, and very much appreciated. You, good sir, have a gift.
Wow. This explains a lot. I am one of those strong people. Even when my husbands died my kids said, Mom’s fine. She’s being strong. The one thing people are always telling me is how strong I am. I have started telling people I need help. But, most don’t know what to say or do. Thank you for this article. You gave me a lot to think about.
This is so good! I see myself years ago when I thought I had to hold it all together. But life often will kick the shit out of you until you realize that indeed, surrender is the only way... thanks for your wisdom, Cody.
I am the strong one because I have no choice. I was abused and abandoned by my parents, and my worth was ultimately tied to what I did and what I can/could do. I am now unable to take breaks because I feel like a failure if I do. I don't know who I am if I'm not working. I don't know who I am when I'm not creating. I've been out of work for nearly 2 years due to worsening symptoms related to my disability. I now have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) and my partner has to basically force me to rest.
It has only been in the past five years where I've been really honest, but I'm not perfect at it, especially with my partner and mom in law. I have to keep it together because it's all I know. The last time I trusted deeply in someone? I got sent away -- and made to like it while that family member spends her time with her biological grandchildren and can't maintain her commitment and promises to see me where I live (about an hour east). If I fall apart, if I'm quiet, it's a moral failure for everyone around me because I'm not talking. I don't let anyone in like that after that. I managed to trust my partner, but I still can't be that level of vulnerable with him -- especially when I'm exhausted and edgy and have to support him when he's not doing well. I say I'm find myself saying that I'm fine more often than not, because no one cares if I'm fine or not. Can I be supportive and loving? Yes --and I can do it while absolutely fucking exhausted and fairly dissociative. But at the end of the day -- who can I be soft with like that in my life? Sometimes I feel absolutely alone. I do it all. I have no choice but to do it all. Years of being alone conditioned me to be armored and distant. I know what happens when I'm vulnerable. I won't do that again.
But yeah -- all that to say that this article in particular hit a nerve. It's basically my life looking at me. I've been the strong one because I had to be. No choice.
You’ve written what most of us live but rarely admit. The truth bleeds through every line that “strong” is just another word for abandoned too early. I respect that you don’t romanticize endurance; you name it for what it is, a slow self-erasure disguised as virtue.
Cody, I don’t know if anyone’s told you: you have a gift for breaking things down and making them understandable without dumbing them down. I wanted to be sure you know that. I’m so grateful for you and your writing. Thank you.
Cody, I loved this. Have you met me. I even get paid for being the strong one now, in harrowing situations. Recently I have realised that I who is there for everyone else has no one to turn to when I need support. We support others but the debt is rarely repaid. We have been given the role of carer and to break the rules would let everyone down. I am only just beginning the process you describe and it is terrifying. The world hasn't fallen apart but caring is my way of keeping control, the way my system keeps the world safe . . . and to stop doing so opens a vortex . . . thank you for your post. It is one I will keep reading
So true, Cody! This is so well written and honestly—needed to be said. My parents call me “the strong one” and I’m always sitting there staring blankly at them, thinking “only because I had to survive you”. This is why I dislike terms like “high-functioning”. It’s not a skill, it’s survival.
Reading this, I feel it deep in my chest. The truth is, letting yourself be human isn’t weakness; it’s the only way back to life, to genuine connection, to rest. And it’s terrifying because it means the world you’ve built around being invincible might shift, but it’s also the doorway to freedom. I have learned that I don’t have to carry it all alone because we were never meant to.
Cody - I loved this. It triggered the sh*t out of me and spiraled back memories that will never be resigned to live in the past; but it was very well written, vulnerable and honest, and very much appreciated. You, good sir, have a gift.
Thank you for this Shawn
You’re welcome Cody. I’m glad I found your work
I’m that person. I think I stopped socializing with people because I’m afraid that I’ll have to bear their problems, etc. it’s exhausting.
The cruelty baked in.
Finding the escape.
The work to be free.
love love LOVE this! I've written a similar piece (that will be coming out in November about being 'the nice one' and what it can cost you.
Wow. This explains a lot. I am one of those strong people. Even when my husbands died my kids said, Mom’s fine. She’s being strong. The one thing people are always telling me is how strong I am. I have started telling people I need help. But, most don’t know what to say or do. Thank you for this article. You gave me a lot to think about.
This is so good! I see myself years ago when I thought I had to hold it all together. But life often will kick the shit out of you until you realize that indeed, surrender is the only way... thanks for your wisdom, Cody.
Thank you for this 🙏🏼
I feel seen thank you.
I am the strong one because I have no choice. I was abused and abandoned by my parents, and my worth was ultimately tied to what I did and what I can/could do. I am now unable to take breaks because I feel like a failure if I do. I don't know who I am if I'm not working. I don't know who I am when I'm not creating. I've been out of work for nearly 2 years due to worsening symptoms related to my disability. I now have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) and my partner has to basically force me to rest.
It has only been in the past five years where I've been really honest, but I'm not perfect at it, especially with my partner and mom in law. I have to keep it together because it's all I know. The last time I trusted deeply in someone? I got sent away -- and made to like it while that family member spends her time with her biological grandchildren and can't maintain her commitment and promises to see me where I live (about an hour east). If I fall apart, if I'm quiet, it's a moral failure for everyone around me because I'm not talking. I don't let anyone in like that after that. I managed to trust my partner, but I still can't be that level of vulnerable with him -- especially when I'm exhausted and edgy and have to support him when he's not doing well. I say I'm find myself saying that I'm fine more often than not, because no one cares if I'm fine or not. Can I be supportive and loving? Yes --and I can do it while absolutely fucking exhausted and fairly dissociative. But at the end of the day -- who can I be soft with like that in my life? Sometimes I feel absolutely alone. I do it all. I have no choice but to do it all. Years of being alone conditioned me to be armored and distant. I know what happens when I'm vulnerable. I won't do that again.
But yeah -- all that to say that this article in particular hit a nerve. It's basically my life looking at me. I've been the strong one because I had to be. No choice.
You’ve written what most of us live but rarely admit. The truth bleeds through every line that “strong” is just another word for abandoned too early. I respect that you don’t romanticize endurance; you name it for what it is, a slow self-erasure disguised as virtue.