In 'How To Keep House While Drowning' KC Davis tells us that care tasks (cleaning, toothbrushing) are not moral tasks. They are neutral. It's OK if you didn't do them. Weirdly once you see them this way they are easier. She had pre-pasted toothbrushes to see her through a rough patch. I've just read 'Kiss Your Dentist Goodbye' and if it takes pre-pasted brushes you really do want to do it, murder those little fuckers trying to colonise your mouth.
. . . The honesty and the connection. I have lived bits of your story and know the continued challenges. Reading your story helped me to 7nderstand mine better
lucky for me, my adhd brain always finds its way to your work despite the platform. thank you for always offering the rawest material when were stuck in a superficial world. prayers for you always friend 💜🩵
I look forward to your articles Cody. I’m wondering if setting an alarm every day to eat would be helpful for you. Every small step you take will close the gap. I commend your honesty & vulnerability.
As someone who often struggles with similar issues, the app Finch has been helpful. it's very kind and gentle about setting small goals for yourself and (I believe) gives you dopamine for checking them complete because your birb gets points towards the daily adventure of exploring cities around the world.
You don't have to try it if it sounds silly to you but I am compulsively helpful with my parasocial people and it might help someone else who reads this.
You've stayed with me again Taymore! The body language lady says when you are interacting and you get a subtle cue instead of letting it derail you take a breath and label it. One time I was doing a presentation and was traumatised because a guy folded his arms. The body language said it all. This smug bastard put me off my whole presentation. I could have just noted 'hostile'.
I started thinking how fawners can label things like 'negging' and 'nudging' and employ a process to instantly discern whether that problem is a *me* problem or a *them* problem or if it's a ten (like I'm feeling) or just a standard zero to five (low stakes), label it, and carry on, trusting in your system.
Then it occurred the insanity of becoming a comedian. The most terrifying thing ever. Don't they say humiliation is the worst thing you can feel? Why would you risk it?! But when you are really, really good at fawning you can use it to instantly gauge whether it's working before you get anywhere near a punchline. Managing an entire audience? Pfft. Try staying alive. Doing stuff you are really, really good at is fun.
Sometimes I think I'm normal but then I remember every comedy show I've ever been to I've been the one laughing before everyone else. Because I guessed where they were going before they said it. Only ever got it wrong once and my punchline was funnier (sorry Jimmy Carr).
In a real one-on-one relationship that navigating looks like narcissism, covert at least. It's at a minimum offensive because you're treating them like a threat and at a maximum unloving, because love interacts with what's really here, now. It doesn't skip ahead and try to manage everything. But with an audience? That's about the best use of those skills you could possibly employ. Don't worry I am not about to become a comedian I just wanted to say how much mileage I got from one idea you shared. People like us need other people to focus on, like parables. It's not cool how it happened but it is what we do best.
I can't believe I forgot the best thing about labeling! (sorry, me again, but this one is really good) Bullying! Once you register bullying it can never get you. Obviously online and verbal abuse are different to physical bullying, but when it comes to those sneaky little tricks bullies use to put you off your point or attack you and not your idea, you'll be fine. So when someone asks a weaselly question or says something outrageous like your Dad abandoned you because he knew you were shit or whatever you just go 'bullying lol' in your head and it's like a magic trick. You can fend off manipulative tricks to get you to fawn with it too. We always try to suck up to the dickheads. It's not our fault it's a strategy that works. But you don't have to. When I was at high school there was a girl we'll call Blondie. She looks like Blondie and I've not been able to enjoy Blondie ever since. Anyway Blondie was a dick from day one, after I had tried to be really nice to her. Blondie was snarky and rude but occasionally asked weaselly questions like 'why is your hair like that?' and whatnot. I hated Blondie. But one day I found myself sitting in French, rolling cigarettes because she asked me to. I revisit that crazy memory regularly, wondering how TF that happened, how I could have been caught. Now I know it was fawning in response to bullying. Off the hook. Anyway, as a person who is regularly more honest than I should be and makes cognitive leaps that surprise less agile minds stuck in their oversize anterior cingulate gyrus, I cop a lot of crap online. And none of it bothers me because I know all the bullying tricks when I see them, and label them so. But don't go spouting the labels like 'ad hominem attacks' in comments to people, only nerds do that.
I totally relate. Something that’s helped me a lot is the boring maintenance stuff is this app called streaks. It’s not perfect and I mess it up sometimes, but it has helped me tremendously. I mention it in case it could be helpful to you or another reader :-)
You are my influencer ! You wrote, “And I want you to do your thing too. Whatever it is. Whatever you’ve been avoiding. Whatever scares you. Whatever you really want. Let’s all fucking improve. Let’s go after what scares us”. That lite up some neurons that were lying dormant in my brain. So, I did a public demonstration of evidential mediumship today, and I brought through a woman’s deceased brother who had taken his own life. He gave me his name and exact evidence about who he was and why he wanted to communicate. Which really had an impact on the recipient who was totally his best friend when he was here, and hugely impacted the 30 or so people in the audience. He made me feel that he always thought he had to be better, and he couldn’t just be himself as he was. His message was poignant. And if I hadn’t read your article, if I hadn’t decided to just do public mediumship and face being public with this gift, then that beautiful soul from the spirit side of life might not have been able to communicate with his sister some very comforting and astounding truths. Do you see where this is going? Ripples, Cody, fucking ripples out into the cosmos.
If I might share a couple of things I have found helpful:
I began taking a bottle to bed. 😆 A water bottle. I drink 1/2 right before I turn off the light. I wake up at a given interval because I have to pee. After I pee, I drink the rest of the water. I will automatically reach for more water all day long, without even thinking about it.
I move for 10 minutes after every meal. What I do varies from day to day; and, if I miss one, I'll eat again eventually and have another opportunity. So no guilt.
These are not rules.
They are habits that help me be the person I want to be.
I saw myself in your words. This “I won’t take care of myself because I am not worth it. I haven’t done my job, etc”. The idea of conditional love to self. Wow!
Thanks Cody! There is no easy answer or easy way. Thank you for being real. For sharing where you are right now. It's hard. It's harder and then it's hard all over again. As you said, do the scared anyways! Whatever our scared is all we need to do is try
In 'How To Keep House While Drowning' KC Davis tells us that care tasks (cleaning, toothbrushing) are not moral tasks. They are neutral. It's OK if you didn't do them. Weirdly once you see them this way they are easier. She had pre-pasted toothbrushes to see her through a rough patch. I've just read 'Kiss Your Dentist Goodbye' and if it takes pre-pasted brushes you really do want to do it, murder those little fuckers trying to colonise your mouth.
I am blown away. This touched me deeply
. . . The honesty and the connection. I have lived bits of your story and know the continued challenges. Reading your story helped me to 7nderstand mine better
lucky for me, my adhd brain always finds its way to your work despite the platform. thank you for always offering the rawest material when were stuck in a superficial world. prayers for you always friend 💜🩵
I look forward to your articles Cody. I’m wondering if setting an alarm every day to eat would be helpful for you. Every small step you take will close the gap. I commend your honesty & vulnerability.
As someone who often struggles with similar issues, the app Finch has been helpful. it's very kind and gentle about setting small goals for yourself and (I believe) gives you dopamine for checking them complete because your birb gets points towards the daily adventure of exploring cities around the world.
You don't have to try it if it sounds silly to you but I am compulsively helpful with my parasocial people and it might help someone else who reads this.
I did Finch for months after things went south for me last Fall. Very kind.
Then my PDA began feeling pressured, and I had to take a break.
I don't know much about PDA but I can see that from the little I do. Good luck with it and be kind to yourself.
Loved this!! I’m here if you want to talk about how to build that bridge 🤍
You've stayed with me again Taymore! The body language lady says when you are interacting and you get a subtle cue instead of letting it derail you take a breath and label it. One time I was doing a presentation and was traumatised because a guy folded his arms. The body language said it all. This smug bastard put me off my whole presentation. I could have just noted 'hostile'.
I started thinking how fawners can label things like 'negging' and 'nudging' and employ a process to instantly discern whether that problem is a *me* problem or a *them* problem or if it's a ten (like I'm feeling) or just a standard zero to five (low stakes), label it, and carry on, trusting in your system.
Then it occurred the insanity of becoming a comedian. The most terrifying thing ever. Don't they say humiliation is the worst thing you can feel? Why would you risk it?! But when you are really, really good at fawning you can use it to instantly gauge whether it's working before you get anywhere near a punchline. Managing an entire audience? Pfft. Try staying alive. Doing stuff you are really, really good at is fun.
Sometimes I think I'm normal but then I remember every comedy show I've ever been to I've been the one laughing before everyone else. Because I guessed where they were going before they said it. Only ever got it wrong once and my punchline was funnier (sorry Jimmy Carr).
In a real one-on-one relationship that navigating looks like narcissism, covert at least. It's at a minimum offensive because you're treating them like a threat and at a maximum unloving, because love interacts with what's really here, now. It doesn't skip ahead and try to manage everything. But with an audience? That's about the best use of those skills you could possibly employ. Don't worry I am not about to become a comedian I just wanted to say how much mileage I got from one idea you shared. People like us need other people to focus on, like parables. It's not cool how it happened but it is what we do best.
I can't believe I forgot the best thing about labeling! (sorry, me again, but this one is really good) Bullying! Once you register bullying it can never get you. Obviously online and verbal abuse are different to physical bullying, but when it comes to those sneaky little tricks bullies use to put you off your point or attack you and not your idea, you'll be fine. So when someone asks a weaselly question or says something outrageous like your Dad abandoned you because he knew you were shit or whatever you just go 'bullying lol' in your head and it's like a magic trick. You can fend off manipulative tricks to get you to fawn with it too. We always try to suck up to the dickheads. It's not our fault it's a strategy that works. But you don't have to. When I was at high school there was a girl we'll call Blondie. She looks like Blondie and I've not been able to enjoy Blondie ever since. Anyway Blondie was a dick from day one, after I had tried to be really nice to her. Blondie was snarky and rude but occasionally asked weaselly questions like 'why is your hair like that?' and whatnot. I hated Blondie. But one day I found myself sitting in French, rolling cigarettes because she asked me to. I revisit that crazy memory regularly, wondering how TF that happened, how I could have been caught. Now I know it was fawning in response to bullying. Off the hook. Anyway, as a person who is regularly more honest than I should be and makes cognitive leaps that surprise less agile minds stuck in their oversize anterior cingulate gyrus, I cop a lot of crap online. And none of it bothers me because I know all the bullying tricks when I see them, and label them so. But don't go spouting the labels like 'ad hominem attacks' in comments to people, only nerds do that.
I totally relate. Something that’s helped me a lot is the boring maintenance stuff is this app called streaks. It’s not perfect and I mess it up sometimes, but it has helped me tremendously. I mention it in case it could be helpful to you or another reader :-)
You are my influencer ! You wrote, “And I want you to do your thing too. Whatever it is. Whatever you’ve been avoiding. Whatever scares you. Whatever you really want. Let’s all fucking improve. Let’s go after what scares us”. That lite up some neurons that were lying dormant in my brain. So, I did a public demonstration of evidential mediumship today, and I brought through a woman’s deceased brother who had taken his own life. He gave me his name and exact evidence about who he was and why he wanted to communicate. Which really had an impact on the recipient who was totally his best friend when he was here, and hugely impacted the 30 or so people in the audience. He made me feel that he always thought he had to be better, and he couldn’t just be himself as he was. His message was poignant. And if I hadn’t read your article, if I hadn’t decided to just do public mediumship and face being public with this gift, then that beautiful soul from the spirit side of life might not have been able to communicate with his sister some very comforting and astounding truths. Do you see where this is going? Ripples, Cody, fucking ripples out into the cosmos.
This: “consistency is torture”
I feel this too in so many areas of my own life.
If I might share a couple of things I have found helpful:
I began taking a bottle to bed. 😆 A water bottle. I drink 1/2 right before I turn off the light. I wake up at a given interval because I have to pee. After I pee, I drink the rest of the water. I will automatically reach for more water all day long, without even thinking about it.
I move for 10 minutes after every meal. What I do varies from day to day; and, if I miss one, I'll eat again eventually and have another opportunity. So no guilt.
These are not rules.
They are habits that help me be the person I want to be.
Hope that helps.
I saw myself in your words. This “I won’t take care of myself because I am not worth it. I haven’t done my job, etc”. The idea of conditional love to self. Wow!
Thanks Cody! There is no easy answer or easy way. Thank you for being real. For sharing where you are right now. It's hard. It's harder and then it's hard all over again. As you said, do the scared anyways! Whatever our scared is all we need to do is try
Thank you for sharing this, Cody, it’s so honest. Trauma doesn’t talk, it shouts, right?