I used to do so many of these, but I didn’t know what I was doing (something I forgave myself for a few years back). Narcissistic behavior is so insidious because it takes so long to realize what it is, and you often gaslight youself. I used to pray he would hit me, because THEN I would know to was abuse and would leave (and I really think I would have. I had grown up knowing, if they hit you once, leave, they will do it again). But when it’s only emotional abuse, it’s so hard to tell because they break your own trust in youself and then you do all of the things listed in this article. I encourage people not to beat themselves up for doing these things, hindsight is 20/20, but once your recognize you are doing these things, you need to make a change.
Love the self-compassion here and such a good point. I feel stupid I believed my parents lies for 35 years that I was delusional and mentally ill and didn’t see their emotional and psychological abuse for what it was but then I remind myself that we are biologically wired to believe our parents are good and honest and tell us the truth and really the same is true for anyone we love that says they love us too…
This is so well said: "When you find yourself filtering your experiences through their probable reactions before you’ve even processed how you feel about them, you’ve internalized their distortions. You’ve become your own gaslighter." This profound loss of selfhood keeps you on autopilot, and day by day, you sink deeper into their distortions, their unyielding presence, their false story. You mute your own intuitive self to survive the cognitive dissonance.
At this stage, it is often a physical illness or an undeniable crisis event to begin to recognize what's happening. Your own body and soul have to start to rebel out loud in order for your brain to start recognizing the abuse. Thank you for sharing these nuanced experiences so clearly and importantly.
So well written and true. It wasn’t until my body was reliving the trauma of my childhood towards my own children that I had to access those repressed memories to heal them so I wouldn’t pass on the same harm to my children. Wild experience and painful but thankful to break free from those chains.
I went to the church for help. And they did help, for awhile. But they encouraged me to stay, “as the wife sanctifies the husband”. I would have left much earlier if I did not have someone telling me how much God hates divorce. Now I would say not as much as he hates abuse.
Absolutely, 100%! I’ve often wrestled with how some pastors tell spouses that it’s our lifetime of grace that will eventually turn the other person’s heart to God. While I know that encouragement often comes from a place of good intent, it can unintentionally put us in the position of trying to be God—when only God can truly soften a heart (Ezekiel 36:26).
It’s also so important to clarify that grace is the opportunity for change, not the tolerance of ongoing sin or abuse (Romans 6:1-2). Sadly, I’ve seen how this kind of teaching can pressure people—especially women—to stay in harmful, even dangerous relationships, thinking that endurance is godlier than walking away from destruction.
And while some quote “God hates divorce” from Malachi 2:16, the original Hebrew and modern translations actually show something very different. A more accurate reading is:
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, “does violence to the one he should protect.” (Malachi 2:16, NIV)
This is a strong rebuke not of divorce itself, but of treacherous, violent treatment in a marriage—which God clearly hates. In fact, throughout Scripture, God repeatedly says He hates violence (Psalm 11:5), He hears the cries of the oppressed (Psalm 34:18), and He calls us to protect the vulnerable (Isaiah 1:17, Zechariah 7:10).
Nowhere in Scripture does God require someone to remain in a covenant with someone who has broken it through abuse. Instead, He calls us to walk in truth, wisdom, and peace. And while I understand pastors can’t always discern every individual situation, it’s incredibly disheartening when their default is to defend or excuse the unrepentant while leaving the oppressed without biblical support.
That’s why it’s crucial for us to study the Word and seek the Holy Spirit’s wisdom ourselves—so we don’t confuse suffering for righteousness with enabling sin, and so we reflect the God who truly binds up the brokenhearted and sets the captives free (Isaiah 61:1-3).
Hmm. I have come to realise that it’s usually much more than that. I think I liked being a useful person, a fixer and that’s patronising too. Yeah, sure there are definitely patterns to these types of people- as my lawyer (after advising me against saying that I thought my son’s father was a narcissist) said “they’re all narcissists; otherwise we wouldn’t be here” - but it’s only really useful if we can understand our own role in it.
I thought I could fix him, save him, change him. But it was more about me than him. Long story short. X
This really resonates. It’s painful to realize how much we enabled the narcissist’s behavior, not because we were weak, but because we were loyal, hopeful, and wanted to believe in the best. What’s even more sobering is how, once you’ve seen it, you start recognizing the same patterns in others. People who make excuses, shrink themselves, or even protect the narcissist, not out of malice, but because they’re not ready to see the truth yet. And you can’t drag someone into clarity. They have to get there on their own.
Last week my father said, i never know when to speak up so i dont. That actually crushed me all these years and i dont know how or what he really feels about anything. I'm just beginning to speak up because i have been on a healing path for way too many years to quit now. Its exhausting keeping up the charade, but i just dont know how to escape it.
My eldest son says things like that and is very intelligent but on autism spectrum. I think there’s a symbiotic relationship between ASD/ADHD and NPD. They can co-exist and be co-dependent.
Wow the self-awareness here is just beautiful. I know so many that are still trapped in defending their abuser and while I’ve been there and can empathize with it, it makes me so sad because I wish I could wake them up to everything you said. I wish I could send this to them and they’d see it in themselves but sadly I think they’d just get defensive because they prefer their comfort and denial or maybe it’s not safe enough for them to see the truth yet.
I used to do so many of these, but I didn’t know what I was doing (something I forgave myself for a few years back). Narcissistic behavior is so insidious because it takes so long to realize what it is, and you often gaslight youself. I used to pray he would hit me, because THEN I would know to was abuse and would leave (and I really think I would have. I had grown up knowing, if they hit you once, leave, they will do it again). But when it’s only emotional abuse, it’s so hard to tell because they break your own trust in youself and then you do all of the things listed in this article. I encourage people not to beat themselves up for doing these things, hindsight is 20/20, but once your recognize you are doing these things, you need to make a change.
Love the self-compassion here and such a good point. I feel stupid I believed my parents lies for 35 years that I was delusional and mentally ill and didn’t see their emotional and psychological abuse for what it was but then I remind myself that we are biologically wired to believe our parents are good and honest and tell us the truth and really the same is true for anyone we love that says they love us too…
This is so well said: "When you find yourself filtering your experiences through their probable reactions before you’ve even processed how you feel about them, you’ve internalized their distortions. You’ve become your own gaslighter." This profound loss of selfhood keeps you on autopilot, and day by day, you sink deeper into their distortions, their unyielding presence, their false story. You mute your own intuitive self to survive the cognitive dissonance.
At this stage, it is often a physical illness or an undeniable crisis event to begin to recognize what's happening. Your own body and soul have to start to rebel out loud in order for your brain to start recognizing the abuse. Thank you for sharing these nuanced experiences so clearly and importantly.
So well written and true. It wasn’t until my body was reliving the trauma of my childhood towards my own children that I had to access those repressed memories to heal them so I wouldn’t pass on the same harm to my children. Wild experience and painful but thankful to break free from those chains.
I went to the church for help. And they did help, for awhile. But they encouraged me to stay, “as the wife sanctifies the husband”. I would have left much earlier if I did not have someone telling me how much God hates divorce. Now I would say not as much as he hates abuse.
Absolutely, 100%! I’ve often wrestled with how some pastors tell spouses that it’s our lifetime of grace that will eventually turn the other person’s heart to God. While I know that encouragement often comes from a place of good intent, it can unintentionally put us in the position of trying to be God—when only God can truly soften a heart (Ezekiel 36:26).
It’s also so important to clarify that grace is the opportunity for change, not the tolerance of ongoing sin or abuse (Romans 6:1-2). Sadly, I’ve seen how this kind of teaching can pressure people—especially women—to stay in harmful, even dangerous relationships, thinking that endurance is godlier than walking away from destruction.
And while some quote “God hates divorce” from Malachi 2:16, the original Hebrew and modern translations actually show something very different. A more accurate reading is:
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, “does violence to the one he should protect.” (Malachi 2:16, NIV)
This is a strong rebuke not of divorce itself, but of treacherous, violent treatment in a marriage—which God clearly hates. In fact, throughout Scripture, God repeatedly says He hates violence (Psalm 11:5), He hears the cries of the oppressed (Psalm 34:18), and He calls us to protect the vulnerable (Isaiah 1:17, Zechariah 7:10).
Nowhere in Scripture does God require someone to remain in a covenant with someone who has broken it through abuse. Instead, He calls us to walk in truth, wisdom, and peace. And while I understand pastors can’t always discern every individual situation, it’s incredibly disheartening when their default is to defend or excuse the unrepentant while leaving the oppressed without biblical support.
That’s why it’s crucial for us to study the Word and seek the Holy Spirit’s wisdom ourselves—so we don’t confuse suffering for righteousness with enabling sin, and so we reflect the God who truly binds up the brokenhearted and sets the captives free (Isaiah 61:1-3).
Hmm. I have come to realise that it’s usually much more than that. I think I liked being a useful person, a fixer and that’s patronising too. Yeah, sure there are definitely patterns to these types of people- as my lawyer (after advising me against saying that I thought my son’s father was a narcissist) said “they’re all narcissists; otherwise we wouldn’t be here” - but it’s only really useful if we can understand our own role in it.
I thought I could fix him, save him, change him. But it was more about me than him. Long story short. X
This really resonates. It’s painful to realize how much we enabled the narcissist’s behavior, not because we were weak, but because we were loyal, hopeful, and wanted to believe in the best. What’s even more sobering is how, once you’ve seen it, you start recognizing the same patterns in others. People who make excuses, shrink themselves, or even protect the narcissist, not out of malice, but because they’re not ready to see the truth yet. And you can’t drag someone into clarity. They have to get there on their own.
Last week my father said, i never know when to speak up so i dont. That actually crushed me all these years and i dont know how or what he really feels about anything. I'm just beginning to speak up because i have been on a healing path for way too many years to quit now. Its exhausting keeping up the charade, but i just dont know how to escape it.
My eldest son says things like that and is very intelligent but on autism spectrum. I think there’s a symbiotic relationship between ASD/ADHD and NPD. They can co-exist and be co-dependent.
Ha!
Wow the self-awareness here is just beautiful. I know so many that are still trapped in defending their abuser and while I’ve been there and can empathize with it, it makes me so sad because I wish I could wake them up to everything you said. I wish I could send this to them and they’d see it in themselves but sadly I think they’d just get defensive because they prefer their comfort and denial or maybe it’s not safe enough for them to see the truth yet.
All does points standard out , once I notice you start draining and affecting my peace I move.