It strikes me that one key challenge is not recognizing your own needs when someone else constantly draws you in with pity or vulnerability. You might find yourself giving and giving while the cost to your energy and sense of self quietly rises.
I had a friend that was perfect at this. I stopped calling, visiting, and texting to check in - it has been three months. No where are you text have arrived
Thank you, Cody, for articulating this so clearly — and for sharing such clear, relatable (and sadly familiar) signs.
It’s heartbreaking how many of us are waking up to this reality, yet there’s comfort in knowing we’re not alone — that we’re a collective of souls finding one another through essays like this.
The aftershocks of this kind of trauma can be unbearable at times, but your words help steady the ground beneath us by naming the truth with compassion and courage.💜
This is such an important point from my experience:
‘They will never own their shit. Even when caught red-handed, they pivot to victim mode: “I was just trying to help” or “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that.”
They don’t apologize. They adjust the narrative until you forget why you were upset in the first place.’
I love your articles! I married an asshole like this. Sheesh. It was an absolute nightmare and confused the hell out of me at first. One thing I took away from the entire thing is that people are like investments. If they sound too good to be true, they probably are. My ex acted so nice before we got married. Wow, then a 180 turnabout. Now, I have been happily single for 30 years. F 'em all.
Oh my goodness. I married one, too. One of the coldest people I've ever known when it wasn't going his way or there was any conflict whatsoever. Which, by the way, he created and I had to weave and bob trying to figure out how to handle him from a moment to moment once the veneer cracked open. For the first five years it was actually quite lovely but no one can keep up the act indefinitely.
My heart goes out to you. I was amazed at the extreme nature of his good vs. evil side. I mean, on the day I married him, I thought he was the nicest, coolest guys I'd ever met, and I felt like a very lucky lady! But by the time I divorced him 7 years later, I had concluded not one single nice thing about him was genuine, but he could sure fake it. Everyone at his workplace was fooled.
Spot on. But that being said, I got the most beautiful, amazing, incredible son, I got my Canadian citizenship, and I went into television production from stage and music because of him. The person he's married to now did me a favour by having an affair with him and him deciding it was time to move onto the next one. So all's well, that ends well.
Yes, there are very nice people in this world. I certainly don't mean to imply everyone is an ass, but sometimes the nicest people are actually fake. My ex definitely fell into that category.
This image 🙌: ‘No, covert narcissists don’t need a spotlight. They build a throne in the shadows. And they get everyone around them to hand them the crown.’
With so many signs you'd think these people would be easy to spot. But it's the subtlety of the disguise - to the the extent that I think most times, they don't even recognise themselves.
My son was married to a narcissist. The most vile woman I ever met. She would deny saying things. So he started recording her. Because he thought he was going crazy. They are divorced but co parenting. Still very difficult to deal with
"Oh my gosh, yes" is exactly what just came out of my mouth. Verbatim. Take it from someone who has had their share of narcissists and a couple of people with narcissistic personality disorder in her life. Still, on occasion, I second guess myself and one slips in, but not for long. The after effects are just too hard to endure anymore. This is a perfect guide. Have you heard of the book: It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula PhD? Would you believe my financial advisor recommended that book to me? Yes, he's quite self-actualised.
It strikes me that one key challenge is not recognizing your own needs when someone else constantly draws you in with pity or vulnerability. You might find yourself giving and giving while the cost to your energy and sense of self quietly rises.
It’s because empaths (narc’s usual targets) are also a result of childhood experiences that made them feel unseen until they are being of service.
Or our caregivers were unpredictable and we constantly had to navigate and predict their emotions and behaviour.
I had a friend that was perfect at this. I stopped calling, visiting, and texting to check in - it has been three months. No where are you text have arrived
Thank you, Cody, for articulating this so clearly — and for sharing such clear, relatable (and sadly familiar) signs.
It’s heartbreaking how many of us are waking up to this reality, yet there’s comfort in knowing we’re not alone — that we’re a collective of souls finding one another through essays like this.
The aftershocks of this kind of trauma can be unbearable at times, but your words help steady the ground beneath us by naming the truth with compassion and courage.💜
Thank you for reminding me that we are a strong collective having had this brutal awakening; we are seen and heard through superb writing like this.
These people are so toxic and the worst part is, everyone else thinks they’re wonderful. It’s such effective manipulation they employ.
🤯
This is such an important point from my experience:
‘They will never own their shit. Even when caught red-handed, they pivot to victim mode: “I was just trying to help” or “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that.”
They don’t apologize. They adjust the narrative until you forget why you were upset in the first place.’
I love your articles! I married an asshole like this. Sheesh. It was an absolute nightmare and confused the hell out of me at first. One thing I took away from the entire thing is that people are like investments. If they sound too good to be true, they probably are. My ex acted so nice before we got married. Wow, then a 180 turnabout. Now, I have been happily single for 30 years. F 'em all.
Oh my goodness. I married one, too. One of the coldest people I've ever known when it wasn't going his way or there was any conflict whatsoever. Which, by the way, he created and I had to weave and bob trying to figure out how to handle him from a moment to moment once the veneer cracked open. For the first five years it was actually quite lovely but no one can keep up the act indefinitely.
My heart goes out to you. I was amazed at the extreme nature of his good vs. evil side. I mean, on the day I married him, I thought he was the nicest, coolest guys I'd ever met, and I felt like a very lucky lady! But by the time I divorced him 7 years later, I had concluded not one single nice thing about him was genuine, but he could sure fake it. Everyone at his workplace was fooled.
Spot on. But that being said, I got the most beautiful, amazing, incredible son, I got my Canadian citizenship, and I went into television production from stage and music because of him. The person he's married to now did me a favour by having an affair with him and him deciding it was time to move onto the next one. So all's well, that ends well.
Hooray, I always love a happy ending. Good job.
I have an incredible husband now!! 💕
There are good people out there. There’s a difference between being nice and being kind though.
Yes, there are very nice people in this world. I certainly don't mean to imply everyone is an ass, but sometimes the nicest people are actually fake. My ex definitely fell into that category.
This image 🙌: ‘No, covert narcissists don’t need a spotlight. They build a throne in the shadows. And they get everyone around them to hand them the crown.’
Thanks for this one👊🏾
With so many signs you'd think these people would be easy to spot. But it's the subtlety of the disguise - to the the extent that I think most times, they don't even recognise themselves.
Another fantastic article Cody!!
"They Play the Saint in Public and the Predator in Private"
From my own experience this made me feel like I was crazy...it became this awful place where I doubted my own sanity!!
The work your doing here is absolutely invaluable!! 💓
Spot on
Damn good.
My son was married to a narcissist. The most vile woman I ever met. She would deny saying things. So he started recording her. Because he thought he was going crazy. They are divorced but co parenting. Still very difficult to deal with
"Oh my gosh, yes" is exactly what just came out of my mouth. Verbatim. Take it from someone who has had their share of narcissists and a couple of people with narcissistic personality disorder in her life. Still, on occasion, I second guess myself and one slips in, but not for long. The after effects are just too hard to endure anymore. This is a perfect guide. Have you heard of the book: It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula PhD? Would you believe my financial advisor recommended that book to me? Yes, he's quite self-actualised.
The worst kind, in my opinion, when it comes to empaths — but the most enlightening as well.
Sign # 1 it looks like a human 🤣