The 7 Things Manipulators Say That Sound Like Therapy But Are Actually Just Control
The most dangerous people you’ll meet aren’t the obvious assholes. They’re the ones who sound like they’ve been to therapy.
You catch them in a lie. You have receipts. Screenshots. Their own words contradicting what they’re saying right now.
They look at you calmly and say, “You’re really dysregulated right now. I can’t have this conversation when you’re this triggered.”
Suddenly you’re defending your sanity instead of addressing the fact that they lied to your face.
That’s the move.
The people who never learned therapy language are easy to spot. They yell. They break shit. They’re obviously toxic.
The dangerous ones learned the vocabulary. They know what boundaries and triggers and nervous systems are. They can talk about accountability and healing and growth.
And they use every single word as a weapon while sounding like the reasonable one.
“The person who sounds the most evolved is often the most dangerous.”
Here’s how to spot it.
1. “I’m just setting boundaries”
What it actually means: I’m controlling you, but if you question it, you’re the bad guy who doesn’t respect boundaries.
Your partner tells you you can’t talk to your best friend anymore. Not because your best friend did anything. Because “it makes them uncomfortable” and they’re “setting a boundary.”
Your boss tells you that you need to be available 24/7 because “their boundary is having responsive team members.”
Your mother tells you that if you don’t share every detail of your life with her, you’re “violating her boundary of open communication.”
None of those are boundaries.
A boundary is something you set for yourself. “I won’t stay in a conversation where I’m being yelled at” is a boundary. “I need space when I’m overwhelmed” is a boundary. “I don’t discuss my sex life with you” is a boundary.
“You can’t have friends” is not a boundary. It’s control.
“You must be available to me always” is not a boundary. It’s a demand.
“You have to tell me everything” is not a boundary. It’s surveillance.
Real boundaries are about what YOU will tolerate. Fake boundaries are about what THEY can make you do.
If someone’s “boundary” requires you to change your behavior, cut off relationships, or give up your autonomy, it’s not a boundary. It’s a leash with better vocabulary.
“Real boundaries protect you. Fake boundaries control you.”
2. “Your nervous system is dysregulated right now”
What it actually means: You’re having a normal reaction to my fucked up behavior, but I’m going to medicalize it so you question yourself instead of questioning me.
They cheated. You found the messages. You’re upset. They look at you with this calm, concerned face and say, “I can see your nervous system is really activated right now. You need to regulate before we can have a productive conversation.”
You’re not dysregulated. You’re rightfully pissed.
They lied to you for months. You discovered it. Your body is responding appropriately to a threat. That’s not dysregulation. That’s your nervous system working correctly.
But now instead of talking about what they did, you’re defending why you’re upset. You’re trying to prove you’re “calm enough” to deserve answers. You’re regulating yourself while they sit there acting like the stable one.
Here’s the thing about nervous system language: it’s real. Trauma responses are real. Dysregulation is real. The polyvagal theory is legitimate.
And that’s exactly why it’s such an effective weapon.
When someone uses your body’s natural response to their shitty behavior as proof that YOU’RE the problem, they’re not helping you regulate. They’re manipulating you.
Your nervous system is supposed to activate when someone lies to you. When someone betrays you. When someone you trusted turns out to be dangerous. That’s the system working.
“Sometimes you’re not dysregulated. Sometimes you’re just correctly identifying a threat.”
3. “You’re not respecting my healing process”
What it actually means: Stop asking me to be accountable. I’m healing, which apparently means I get to hurt you without consequences.
They ghost you for three weeks. Come back with no explanation. You ask what happened. They sigh and say, “I’m in a really tender place right now. I need you to respect my healing journey and not interrogate me.”
You’re not interrogating them. You’re asking a basic fucking question.
They borrowed $500 three months ago. You ask about it. “I can’t handle this energy right now. I’m working through money trauma and you bringing this up is really harmful to my healing.”
They owe you money. That’s not about their trauma. That’s about them paying you back.
Healing is not a shield from being a decent human being.
You can be healing and still show up. You can be processing trauma and still communicate. You can be working through your shit and still be accountable for your behavior.
What you can’t do is use “healing” as an excuse to treat people like garbage while demanding they support you unconditionally.
Real healing makes you more responsible, not less. It makes you more aware of your impact, not less. It makes you want to repair harm you’ve caused, not hide behind your process.
If someone’s “healing journey” requires you to accept mistreatment without question, they’re not healing. They’re just being an asshole with therapeutic vocabulary.
“Healing should make you more accountable, not less.”
4. “That’s gaslighting” (when you point out their contradiction)
What it actually means: I’m gaslighting you, and now I’m going to accuse YOU of it so you stop pointing out my lies.
Monday: “I never said that.” Wednesday: “I told you that last week.” You: “You literally said the opposite on Monday.” Them: “You’re gaslighting me right now. Stop trying to make me doubt my memory.”
This is DARVO on steroids. Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.
They said something. You remember it. Maybe you even have receipts. You point out the inconsistency. And suddenly YOU’RE the one gaslighting THEM for... accurately remembering what they said?
The person who constantly accuses you of gaslighting when you’re just asking them to explain themselves is usually the one doing it.
It’s a defensive move. The second you start questioning their bullshit, they flip it and make you defend your perception of reality instead of them defending their lies.
Real gaslighting is systematic. It’s denying things happened. It’s telling you you’re crazy for remembering accurately. It’s making you doubt your own perception over time.
Asking someone to explain why they said two completely different things is not gaslighting. That’s called having a conversation with someone who lies.
“If asking someone to explain their contradictions gets you accused of gaslighting, you’re not the one gaslighting.”
5. “I’m taking accountability, BUT...”
What it actually means: I’m going to say the words “I’m accountable” and then spend the next 10 minutes explaining why it’s your fault.
“I’m taking full accountability for yelling at you. I really am. But you weren’t listening and I didn’t know how else to get through to you.”
“I own that I shouldn’t have lied. I completely own that. But you’ve been so judgmental lately that I didn’t feel safe telling you the truth.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t show up. I take full responsibility. But you know I’ve been going through a lot and I really needed you to check in on me.”
The word “but” erases everything before it.
That’s not accountability. That’s blame shifting in a costume.
Real accountability sounds like: “I fucked up. I’m sorry. Here’s how I’m going to do better.”
It doesn’t come with conditions. It doesn’t come with explanations for why you actually caused them to do it. It doesn’t require you to acknowledge your part before they’ll acknowledge theirs.
When someone says “I’m taking accountability BUT,” what they’re really saying is “I’m going to perform accountability while making sure you know this is actually your fault.”
Watch for this pattern:
Step 1: Say the accountability words
Step 2: Shift blame back to you
Step 3: Now you’re defending yourself instead of them being accountable
“If every apology ends with ‘but’ and your name, it’s not an apology.”
6. “You need to do your own work”
What it actually means: Stop talking about what I did. Let’s talk about what’s wrong with you instead.
You tell them they hurt you. They respond: “It sounds like you have some abandonment wounds you need to work through.”
You point out they’ve canceled on you five times this month. “Have you considered that your need for reliability might be a trauma response you should explore in therapy?”
You ask them to stop doing something that bothers you. “You really need to work on your reactivity. This is about your triggers, not my behavior.”
This is deflection dressed up as concern.
Yes, everyone should work on themselves. Yes, we all have shit to heal. Yes, therapy is great.
But using “you need to do your own work” when someone tells you you hurt them is not insight. It’s avoidance.
It’s a way to:
Make the conversation about your flaws instead of their behavior
Position themselves as the evolved one giving you advice
Avoid ever addressing what they actually did
Make you question whether your feelings are even valid
Here’s how you know the difference: Someone who cares about you might gently point out a pattern they’ve noticed. Someone manipulating you diagnoses you every time you have a problem with their behavior.
“If every conversation about their behavior becomes a therapy session about your issues, you’re being played.”
7. “I’m just holding space for you”
What it actually means: I’m going to call my surveillance and control “support.”
They need to know where you are at all times. Who you’re with. What you’re doing. They text you 47 times if you don’t respond in 20 minutes. They show up unannounced. They demand access to your phone, your accounts, your calendar.
And when you point this out? “I’m just holding space for you during this difficult time. I care about you.”
That’s not holding space. That’s monitoring.
Real support:
Respects your autonomy
Trusts you to handle your own life
Offers help without demanding control
Gives you space when you need it
Doesn’t require constant access to you
Fake support disguised as “holding space”:
Needs to know everything you’re doing
Gets anxious or angry when you want independence
Makes you check in constantly
Frames their need for control as caring about you
Punishes you for needing space
The phrase “holding space” should mean: I’m here if you need me, I’m not judging you, I trust you to navigate your own life while I remain supportive.
It should NOT mean: I’m going to insert myself into every aspect of your life and call it care.
“Support doesn’t require access to your every move. That’s control, not care.”
The Pattern
Here’s what they all have in common:
Real therapy language leads to behavior change. They learn about their shit and they work on it. You see them trying. You see progress.
Weaponized therapy language leads to you changing while they stay the same. You’re always the one who needs to be more understanding, more regulated, more respectful of their boundaries. They never actually change their behavior.
“If therapy language only applies to you and never to them, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a hostage situation with better vocabulary.”
If someone talks like they’ve done the work but acts like they haven’t, believe the actions.
If they use psychology terms to explain why your feelings are wrong but never to examine their own behavior, you’re being played.
If you find yourself constantly questioning your own reality while they remain certain of theirs, that’s not them being evolved. That’s them being manipulative.
What to Actually Do
Stop trying to explain yourself better. If someone uses therapy language to shut you down, make you wrong, or avoid accountability, you’re not going to word it better. They already understand. They just don’t care.
Document everything. Save texts. Save emails. Screenshot contradictions. When someone weaponizes therapy language, they’re excellent at sounding reasonable while making you look unstable. You need receipts.
“Your gut instinct doesn’t need a psychology degree to know when someone’s fucking with you.”
Trust your body over their words. If someone talks about nervous system regulation while your nervous system is screaming danger, listen to your body. Your threat detection system doesn’t give a fuck about their vocabulary.
Watch for the pattern, not the incident. One time using therapy speak doesn’t make someone manipulative. But if every single time you have a concern, they respond with psychological terminology that makes YOU the problem, that’s the pattern.
Leave. I know it’s complicated. I know leaving is hard. But if someone consistently uses the language of healing to control you, they’re not going to stop because you finally communicate perfectly. This is who they are.
The Bottom Line
The most dangerous manipulators aren’t the ones who never learned about psychology. They’re the ones who did.
They learned the terms. They understand the concepts. They know what boundaries and trauma and nervous systems are.
And they use every single word to avoid accountability while making you question your sanity.
They know “I’m setting boundaries” sounds better than “I’m controlling you.”
They know “you’re dysregulated” is more effective than “shut up.”
They know if they speak the language of healing while treating you like shit, they can make you look like the problem.
I spent nearly two years having therapy language weaponized against me by someone who knew exactly what they were doing. Cost me $126,000, my sense of reality, and almost my sobriety. I documented everything and I’m fighting it in court.
Not for sympathy. For receipts.
Because when someone uses the language of healing to hurt you, you need proof. And you need to get the fuck out.
—Cody Taymore
Kill The Silence
If this gave you clarity, peace, or just helped you feel a little less alone — and you want to support more work like this — you can leave a small tip here.
Free tactical tools, nervous system blueprints, and recovery guides
If you recognized someone in this piece, trust that recognition.
If their vocabulary sounds evolved but their behavior says otherwise, believe the behavior.
The language of healing should never be used to keep you silent about being harmed.
Every pattern in this piece is documented in my legal case against someone who used these exact tactics. I have text messages. I have contracts. I have bank statements. This isn’t theory. This is what weaponized therapy language actually looks like when someone who knows the vocabulary decides to use it for control.
This is required reading for anyone in a religious, spiritual, or psychotherapeutic community.
There is almost no group of people who are trained in these vocabularies that doesn’t have at least one person who weaponizes them.
It’s not about if you will encounter someone who uses therapy speak as a weapon, it’s about when and what you will do about it.
I've heard all these from online manipulators /narcissists and self appointed influencers who really have major personality disorders