Most articles I see with these headlines are complete junk advice. I've read tens to possibly over a hundred just to understand a wide range of what the world sees as advice for dealing with manipulators.
This is some of the best advice I've ever seen someone give in an article. Really good stuff! These are six questions will definitely start taking you down more interesting paths in your interactions.
Excellent questions! Specifically, the one asking for an example that is such a powerful question and it’s amazing how it shuts down the conversation because they typically can’t find one example
It's extremely difficult to assess what you may not have language for. I remember so many times knowing in my gut what was happening, but feeling completely gaslit because we were going in circles. Now I know, and now I ask.
Excellent article Cody. I was briefly married to a manipulator. He underestimated my strength & independence. Life is too short to waste on people like that.
This article was spot-on with the tactics they use, and their behavior when you counter it with the right questions. Dealing with a master manipulator for years, I learned the tricks. I'm so glad I did, because I can spot the tactics from a mile away, instead of wondering if I'm crazy. It's still upsetting when you find yourself in a relationship with a manipulator, but if you know what to look for, at least you don't fall for the manipulation. You can identify it, and then act accordingly. I appreciate that you pointed out that it's not always safe to do this, though. If there's potential for violence, and you know what they're doing, no need to put yourself in danger to prove it. Like I always say, "be smart, play dumb". And first safe chance you get, LEAVE.
I like the premise: "explain to me like I'm a five year old...."
It's my contention that any authentic, expert or knowledgeable person will be able to do that in the detail needed to prove their authenticity. It might take time and patience, but it'll also expose the charlatan who exasperates "because it just is! "
I had a roommate in college who was such a manipulator. When she was obviously upset, which was often, I would ask, “What’s wrong?” Invariably her answer was, “Well, if you don’t know I’m certainly not going to tell you.” I moved and broke off all communication with her. It wasn’t worth my energy to deal with someone so manipulative.
Text book - if such a thing exists. I must have heard this a thousand times. Yet, it can never be shared too often. There's always someone out there who doesn't see "it" (their situation) until it's pointed out to them. Good luck with your endeavors.
I found this very useful information and what I also liked about it was that it wasn’t turned into a men versus women thing as so many things are these days.
You referred to ‘they’, ‘the person’ etc
I wish more articles did this instead of demonising a particular sex.
When I was a teenager and into my early twenties , this type of thing would happen more times than I can count when trying to have a conscious rational discussion over any topic of disagreement at home. Now you might think , "every teenager thinks their parents are tirants and unreasonable" but it was far more than that. It was totally about power. In retrospect I can understand it , but at the time , I would leave every incident feeling confused angry and actually dizzy. It was as if I had entered a realm where sense and reason was completely gone. Arguments would start over nothing and end with me being criticized and shamed. I felt as if I was going crazy. Terrible. Later in life I began to see for what it was. Just as you e described here.
I just read the book 'Fawning' and the whole time she's describing the people doing the traumatising I'm thinking but can't you see they're fawners too? People in the recovery stage are not ready to hear how most of the people who harmed them are suffering from the exact same dynamic they impose. They aren't safe to say their real feelings and react poorly to any suggestion those feelings exist. They can't tolerate being called out, every behaviour they've developed is about avoiding the very pain you're inflicting by calling them out. I'm not saying people should tolerate behaviour that's hurting them, but they could cultivate compassion because eventually they will see sometimes the narcissist and manipulator everyone seems to get off on hating is them.
Incredible insight into this aspect of humanity, Cody! Exposing the tactics of manipulators is a public service.
Absolutely!
Most articles I see with these headlines are complete junk advice. I've read tens to possibly over a hundred just to understand a wide range of what the world sees as advice for dealing with manipulators.
This is some of the best advice I've ever seen someone give in an article. Really good stuff! These are six questions will definitely start taking you down more interesting paths in your interactions.
You got me looking forward to more! Subbed!
The questions are probably some of the best I’ve heard to handle a manipulator.
Thank you for putting this together
Excellent questions! Specifically, the one asking for an example that is such a powerful question and it’s amazing how it shuts down the conversation because they typically can’t find one example
It's extremely difficult to assess what you may not have language for. I remember so many times knowing in my gut what was happening, but feeling completely gaslit because we were going in circles. Now I know, and now I ask.
Excellent article Cody. I was briefly married to a manipulator. He underestimated my strength & independence. Life is too short to waste on people like that.
This article was spot-on with the tactics they use, and their behavior when you counter it with the right questions. Dealing with a master manipulator for years, I learned the tricks. I'm so glad I did, because I can spot the tactics from a mile away, instead of wondering if I'm crazy. It's still upsetting when you find yourself in a relationship with a manipulator, but if you know what to look for, at least you don't fall for the manipulation. You can identify it, and then act accordingly. I appreciate that you pointed out that it's not always safe to do this, though. If there's potential for violence, and you know what they're doing, no need to put yourself in danger to prove it. Like I always say, "be smart, play dumb". And first safe chance you get, LEAVE.
I like the premise: "explain to me like I'm a five year old...."
It's my contention that any authentic, expert or knowledgeable person will be able to do that in the detail needed to prove their authenticity. It might take time and patience, but it'll also expose the charlatan who exasperates "because it just is! "
I just found two new questions…thank you for adding to my list.
Efficient advice, the list of counter questions is excellent!
Spot on advice. You can’t find solutions, only answers. I look forward to more. Subbed and shared.
I had a roommate in college who was such a manipulator. When she was obviously upset, which was often, I would ask, “What’s wrong?” Invariably her answer was, “Well, if you don’t know I’m certainly not going to tell you.” I moved and broke off all communication with her. It wasn’t worth my energy to deal with someone so manipulative.
Text book - if such a thing exists. I must have heard this a thousand times. Yet, it can never be shared too often. There's always someone out there who doesn't see "it" (their situation) until it's pointed out to them. Good luck with your endeavors.
I found this very useful information and what I also liked about it was that it wasn’t turned into a men versus women thing as so many things are these days.
You referred to ‘they’, ‘the person’ etc
I wish more articles did this instead of demonising a particular sex.
When I was a teenager and into my early twenties , this type of thing would happen more times than I can count when trying to have a conscious rational discussion over any topic of disagreement at home. Now you might think , "every teenager thinks their parents are tirants and unreasonable" but it was far more than that. It was totally about power. In retrospect I can understand it , but at the time , I would leave every incident feeling confused angry and actually dizzy. It was as if I had entered a realm where sense and reason was completely gone. Arguments would start over nothing and end with me being criticized and shamed. I felt as if I was going crazy. Terrible. Later in life I began to see for what it was. Just as you e described here.
Interesting. I seem to be a bit of a manipulator by those answers. Yikes. Not saying its wrong. Great read
I just read the book 'Fawning' and the whole time she's describing the people doing the traumatising I'm thinking but can't you see they're fawners too? People in the recovery stage are not ready to hear how most of the people who harmed them are suffering from the exact same dynamic they impose. They aren't safe to say their real feelings and react poorly to any suggestion those feelings exist. They can't tolerate being called out, every behaviour they've developed is about avoiding the very pain you're inflicting by calling them out. I'm not saying people should tolerate behaviour that's hurting them, but they could cultivate compassion because eventually they will see sometimes the narcissist and manipulator everyone seems to get off on hating is them.