I read #2, eyes widened. #3, mouth opened. #4, covered my mouth. My mind literally started flashing those images before my eyes again. Remembering how that felt at the time, like it was yesterday — except it was 14 years ago. He was the cruelest person I have ever met. It took 9 years of him being out of my life for me to recover from the conditioning, the control, the way he programmed me to doubt myself, feel inferior, feel insecure. I think I was 26 when the term "gaslighting" started spreading like wildfire in socials, and it's a day I'll never forget. I was reading sentences that were examples of gaslighting, and I realized for the first time that I had been. I was happily married by then, but began bawling for my younger self. How she had no idea, how she made so many excuses, all that she endured because she was so sucked in. His claws piercing her skin, keeping her from going anywhere. Well done on this piece 👍🏻 Always glad to see awareness being spread about narcissists.
What terrifies me is that my narcissist was too smart to say these sentences directly, but still communicated these concepts specifically and chronically.
All of these makes sense, but what really stands out is #2: "I hate drama."
Soon after I moved to the town where I currently reside, I answered an ad seeking a roommate. The ad stated, very clearly, that the only way an inquiry would receive a reply is if the words "No drama" were in the email's subject line.
That should've been a warning. I regret that this essay wasn't around then.
I moved in a few days later.
A few weeks further down the road, he and I had a rational disagreement and, without going into the irrelevant details, I stopped a $200 check I'd given him. When he found out, he stormed around the apartment, screaming at the top of his lungs, pounding on the walls ... and that was before he called – wait for it – 911. That's right, he called the emergency line over a stopped check.
Yes… but you got out before any real damage was done. We as a Nation under the temper tantrums of a narcissist must do our best to stand strong against the abuse until we can extricate ourselves from this nightmare of abuse.
Absolutely correct. Living by the whims and tantrums of a petulant toddler hasn't been easy. I got out in two weeks, and we're stuck with this "dick-tater" for the next three years ...
If you read my main comment to this thread, you will see that I was abused for over 60 years by the same person (a parent).... I finally did get loose when I figured it all out and could call it what it was. I recovered as much as I could and I am a strong person. One reason is because I fought with my narcissist my entire life - fought hard! It broke me off from the family because this parent was intent on taking me down if it was the last thing they did - but they died trying - the last conversation I had with this tyrant was on my birthday 8 months before they passed. It went like this: "What do you know that I don't know?" - a narcissist's trap question to gather intel to use against you or to get narcissistic supply from others by making you look bad in some way. My answer: "I don't know. Is there anything that you need to know that I know that you do not know that I have not told you?" The phone call ended abruptly. I broke this person's brain with that answer.
Thanks.... TBH narcissists don't trigger me - they piss me off! Their victims trigger me - But as far as the bully? Bullies hate me and for good reason!
I once had dreams of becoming a forensic psychologist, and even though I bailed on college to earn a culinary degree in patisserie & baking (🤦🏼♀️) I continued studying abnormal psychology with an emphasis on psychopathy & narcissistic personality disorder in my free time. I’ve been reading books written by the experts for 30 years.
According to the experts, you can be a narcissist without also being a psychopath but you can’t be a psychopath without also being a narcissist. In this post, you’ve highlighted the signs of a psychopath.
It’s important to distinguish between the two, but it’s super common for people to mix them up (for obviously understandable reasons). One way in which they differ is that those with NPD aren’t intentionally cruel. They’re often so lacking in self-awareness they don’t realize how they hurt loved ones until their therapist helps them understand why their loved ones have distanced themselves. But those with psychopathy (or “anti-social personality disorder”) are aware of their desire to abuse others and enjoy it. They don’t seek therapy, they get dragged there by a SO or it’s court-ordered after committing crimes.
I had a relative growing up who’s very much a narcissist, but never had a tendency toward cruel behaviors and never said any of the things you listed above. They were abnormally self-absorbed and had delusions of grandeur, but they weren’t physically abusive, had no criminal tendencies, and they felt genuine sadness and remorse. Psychopaths can’t feel genuine sadness, shame, or remorse.
Still, I applaud anyone who spreads awareness about these matters to help people recognize the signs of maladaptive, toxic traits. And Gray-rocking works; I had instinctively used that method as a child in the ‘80s before it had a name.
Having narcissistic tendencies in not the same has having full blown NPD. Toddlers and teens are fill of narcissistic tendencies. Thankfully most outgrow them as they learn and employ compassion and empathy. Sadly today society is all about Me-Me-Me, and is accepting of narcissists in all degrees and forms. So, yes all psychopaths are narcissists fully...but all narcissists do have the capacity to harm and think little of it. However, having some narcissistic tendencies makes you neither in the end if you realize the harm you have caused and regret it.
Narcissistic personality disorder has no cure. It does not go away. The individual can’t not be changed and will not change. Do not waste 1 moment thinking it could be different.
Yep, I’ve heard every one of these. My personal favorite is “I was just joking” after saying something incredibly sh*tty. With my ex, I knew what he was saying was wrong, but he would talk over me at 100 miles an hour until I was exhausted and “forgot” what the original argument was about. Total nightmare!
I’ve seen this technique called the Gish Gallop. My daughter now does it when she’s mad, because she learned it from her father, my ex. 🤨 So. There’s a thing we work on in therapy…
This… hits so hard. Thank you for putting this out into the world. What’s wild and what I think is the hardest part of surviving a narcissist is not just what happened during the relationship, but the aftermath. Once you’re out and see it clearly, it’s shocking how obvious it all seems in hindsight. And then you start questioning yourself: How could I have loved someone like that? How could I have stayed? How could I have cared for someone who was literally just using me?
But that’s exactly why posts like this matter reminders that it’s not on us, that the manipulation is designed to hide itself until you’re completely invested. Your words give validation to the aftermath, the self-doubt, the questioning, and that’s powerful.✨
Anyone who has suffered through the abuse of a narcissist would benefit from reading this book. Add to it books on gaslighting, you and get the whole picture.
"after everything I've done for you!" > answer: "So because you did this, you're allowed to now treat me as trash? By doing those nice things, you bought yourself the ability to be mean to me?"
My therapist just gave me the language about a year ago to name that my mother is a narcissist. I had heard the term but thought it was a synonym to vain, just someone that was full of themselves. Every bit of research I did felt like the veil being pulled back. When I read something like this, so spot on, is makes my stomach churn that there are more like her. Would love to read more on healing from the effects of these kinds of relationships.
Great list. I would add one more : “I’m usually not like that, it won’t happen again”. Pretending to be a good person going through something difficult but in reality, it happens hundreds of times and it’s just who they are.
Number 5 had me reeling. As did many of the others. However, that sentence is thrown at me by a very close family member if I should challenge them, criticise them or fail to ask “how high” when they say “jump”. Not a partner so I can’t leave. Elderly so I don’t know how much time we have left. I can’t change them, but I have changed how I react.
Every single time, we should make sure we do not confuse “Egotist,” “Egocentric,” “Megalomaniac” and other words meaning “delusional grandeur” with “NARCISSISM” Narcissism, if correctly understood, is a very specific psychological state, which only resembles the formers in a very superficial way. In American popular culture, which takes after Hollywood and never questions or cares about the scientific meanings of words or concepts, everything you do not like about others is referred to as “Narcissism.” That is ignorance.
This is such a powerful breakdown. These phrases are ones most of us have come across at some point in our lives ... or may even be experiencing right now. Seeing them laid out like this really makes it easier to recognize the pattern and trust our own instincts. Thank you for putting it into such clear words.
I read #2, eyes widened. #3, mouth opened. #4, covered my mouth. My mind literally started flashing those images before my eyes again. Remembering how that felt at the time, like it was yesterday — except it was 14 years ago. He was the cruelest person I have ever met. It took 9 years of him being out of my life for me to recover from the conditioning, the control, the way he programmed me to doubt myself, feel inferior, feel insecure. I think I was 26 when the term "gaslighting" started spreading like wildfire in socials, and it's a day I'll never forget. I was reading sentences that were examples of gaslighting, and I realized for the first time that I had been. I was happily married by then, but began bawling for my younger self. How she had no idea, how she made so many excuses, all that she endured because she was so sucked in. His claws piercing her skin, keeping her from going anywhere. Well done on this piece 👍🏻 Always glad to see awareness being spread about narcissists.
What terrifies me is that my narcissist was too smart to say these sentences directly, but still communicated these concepts specifically and chronically.
Definitely.
All of these makes sense, but what really stands out is #2: "I hate drama."
Soon after I moved to the town where I currently reside, I answered an ad seeking a roommate. The ad stated, very clearly, that the only way an inquiry would receive a reply is if the words "No drama" were in the email's subject line.
That should've been a warning. I regret that this essay wasn't around then.
I moved in a few days later.
A few weeks further down the road, he and I had a rational disagreement and, without going into the irrelevant details, I stopped a $200 check I'd given him. When he found out, he stormed around the apartment, screaming at the top of his lungs, pounding on the walls ... and that was before he called – wait for it – 911. That's right, he called the emergency line over a stopped check.
I bailed that day.
Like the saying goes: "Live 'n learn..."
Yes… but you got out before any real damage was done. We as a Nation under the temper tantrums of a narcissist must do our best to stand strong against the abuse until we can extricate ourselves from this nightmare of abuse.
Absolutely correct. Living by the whims and tantrums of a petulant toddler hasn't been easy. I got out in two weeks, and we're stuck with this "dick-tater" for the next three years ...
If you read my main comment to this thread, you will see that I was abused for over 60 years by the same person (a parent).... I finally did get loose when I figured it all out and could call it what it was. I recovered as much as I could and I am a strong person. One reason is because I fought with my narcissist my entire life - fought hard! It broke me off from the family because this parent was intent on taking me down if it was the last thing they did - but they died trying - the last conversation I had with this tyrant was on my birthday 8 months before they passed. It went like this: "What do you know that I don't know?" - a narcissist's trap question to gather intel to use against you or to get narcissistic supply from others by making you look bad in some way. My answer: "I don't know. Is there anything that you need to know that I know that you do not know that I have not told you?" The phone call ended abruptly. I broke this person's brain with that answer.
Bottom line: YOU FOUGHT. YOU FOUGHT HARD. Be proud of that.
During our mostly one-way arguments, my father used to tell me: "I know you like a book." Of course he did. Narcissists know *everything*, right?
So I can see why someone like Orange Hitler would trigger you. Be strong. As the saying goes, "This, too, shall pass..."
Thanks.... TBH narcissists don't trigger me - they piss me off! Their victims trigger me - But as far as the bully? Bullies hate me and for good reason!
Variation: “I just want it to be easy” - then they make it as hard as possible
I once had dreams of becoming a forensic psychologist, and even though I bailed on college to earn a culinary degree in patisserie & baking (🤦🏼♀️) I continued studying abnormal psychology with an emphasis on psychopathy & narcissistic personality disorder in my free time. I’ve been reading books written by the experts for 30 years.
According to the experts, you can be a narcissist without also being a psychopath but you can’t be a psychopath without also being a narcissist. In this post, you’ve highlighted the signs of a psychopath.
It’s important to distinguish between the two, but it’s super common for people to mix them up (for obviously understandable reasons). One way in which they differ is that those with NPD aren’t intentionally cruel. They’re often so lacking in self-awareness they don’t realize how they hurt loved ones until their therapist helps them understand why their loved ones have distanced themselves. But those with psychopathy (or “anti-social personality disorder”) are aware of their desire to abuse others and enjoy it. They don’t seek therapy, they get dragged there by a SO or it’s court-ordered after committing crimes.
I had a relative growing up who’s very much a narcissist, but never had a tendency toward cruel behaviors and never said any of the things you listed above. They were abnormally self-absorbed and had delusions of grandeur, but they weren’t physically abusive, had no criminal tendencies, and they felt genuine sadness and remorse. Psychopaths can’t feel genuine sadness, shame, or remorse.
Still, I applaud anyone who spreads awareness about these matters to help people recognize the signs of maladaptive, toxic traits. And Gray-rocking works; I had instinctively used that method as a child in the ‘80s before it had a name.
Having narcissistic tendencies in not the same has having full blown NPD. Toddlers and teens are fill of narcissistic tendencies. Thankfully most outgrow them as they learn and employ compassion and empathy. Sadly today society is all about Me-Me-Me, and is accepting of narcissists in all degrees and forms. So, yes all psychopaths are narcissists fully...but all narcissists do have the capacity to harm and think little of it. However, having some narcissistic tendencies makes you neither in the end if you realize the harm you have caused and regret it.
Narcissistic personality disorder has no cure. It does not go away. The individual can’t not be changed and will not change. Do not waste 1 moment thinking it could be different.
Truer words were never spoken. The only way to stop a narcissist is to cut them off from the supply they get from abusing others.
Yep, I’ve heard every one of these. My personal favorite is “I was just joking” after saying something incredibly sh*tty. With my ex, I knew what he was saying was wrong, but he would talk over me at 100 miles an hour until I was exhausted and “forgot” what the original argument was about. Total nightmare!
I’ve seen this technique called the Gish Gallop. My daughter now does it when she’s mad, because she learned it from her father, my ex. 🤨 So. There’s a thing we work on in therapy…
This… hits so hard. Thank you for putting this out into the world. What’s wild and what I think is the hardest part of surviving a narcissist is not just what happened during the relationship, but the aftermath. Once you’re out and see it clearly, it’s shocking how obvious it all seems in hindsight. And then you start questioning yourself: How could I have loved someone like that? How could I have stayed? How could I have cared for someone who was literally just using me?
But that’s exactly why posts like this matter reminders that it’s not on us, that the manipulation is designed to hide itself until you’re completely invested. Your words give validation to the aftermath, the self-doubt, the questioning, and that’s powerful.✨
One of the best “healing” enlightenment books I have read and keep in my library is called “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare…” By Shahida Arabi. - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29528716-becoming-the-narcissist-s-nightmare
Anyone who has suffered through the abuse of a narcissist would benefit from reading this book. Add to it books on gaslighting, you and get the whole picture.
EXACTLY
"after everything I've done for you!" > answer: "So because you did this, you're allowed to now treat me as trash? By doing those nice things, you bought yourself the ability to be mean to me?"
My therapist just gave me the language about a year ago to name that my mother is a narcissist. I had heard the term but thought it was a synonym to vain, just someone that was full of themselves. Every bit of research I did felt like the veil being pulled back. When I read something like this, so spot on, is makes my stomach churn that there are more like her. Would love to read more on healing from the effects of these kinds of relationships.
Great list. I would add one more : “I’m usually not like that, it won’t happen again”. Pretending to be a good person going through something difficult but in reality, it happens hundreds of times and it’s just who they are.
Number 5 had me reeling. As did many of the others. However, that sentence is thrown at me by a very close family member if I should challenge them, criticise them or fail to ask “how high” when they say “jump”. Not a partner so I can’t leave. Elderly so I don’t know how much time we have left. I can’t change them, but I have changed how I react.
Great article!
I've heard them all before but a concise reminder of what they truly say always helps.
Thanks for the balance, again.
Every single time, we should make sure we do not confuse “Egotist,” “Egocentric,” “Megalomaniac” and other words meaning “delusional grandeur” with “NARCISSISM” Narcissism, if correctly understood, is a very specific psychological state, which only resembles the formers in a very superficial way. In American popular culture, which takes after Hollywood and never questions or cares about the scientific meanings of words or concepts, everything you do not like about others is referred to as “Narcissism.” That is ignorance.
This is such a powerful breakdown. These phrases are ones most of us have come across at some point in our lives ... or may even be experiencing right now. Seeing them laid out like this really makes it easier to recognize the pattern and trust our own instincts. Thank you for putting it into such clear words.
Cody
Holy shit man
Profound
Good job!!!!!
So like, zero Trump and 100% Obama.