New Year’s Resolutions Are Just Self-Hatred With A Deadline
Stop trying to become someone else. Start working with who you actually are.
It’s January.
Your feed is full of transformation posts. Gym memberships. Meal prep. Vision boards. People announcing their word of the year like it’s a fucking spell that’ll fix everything.
“New year, new me.”
No. Same year. Same you. Just with more pressure and less self-compassion.
Let me tell you what actually happens with New Year’s resolutions:
You set a goal based on who you think you should be. Not who you are. Not what you actually want. Who Instagram told you to become.
You go hard for 11 days. Maybe three weeks if you’re disciplined.
Then you miss one day. Then two. Then you’re back to your baseline by February, except now you feel like shit about yourself because you “failed” again.
And next December, you’ll set the same goal. Because this time will be different.
Except it won’t be. Because the problem isn’t your willpower.
The problem is you’re trying to become someone you’re not.
The Mental Health Cost Of “New Year, New You”
Here’s what nobody talks about:
New Year’s resolutions are bad for your mental health.
Not because goals are bad. Because the entire framework is built on self-rejection.
You’re essentially saying: “I’m not good enough as I am. I need to be fundamentally different. Starting January 1st, I will become the person I should have been all along.”
That’s not self-improvement. That’s self-punishment with a vision board.
And when you inevitably fail (because you’re human and life is chaotic and motivation doesn’t last), you internalize it as proof that you’re broken.
“I can’t even stick to a simple goal.”
“Everyone else can do this, why can’t I?”
“I’m just lazy/undisciplined/weak.”
No. You’re just operating on a broken model.
The self-improvement industrial complex has convinced you that you’re a project that needs fixing. That transformation is always one decision away. That if you just had the right system, the right routine, the right mindset, you’d finally become the person you’re supposed to be.
Bullshit.
You’re not supposed to be anyone other than who you are.
The Pattern: Why You Keep Failing
Let me show you the actual cycle:
December: You feel like shit about how this year went. You didn’t accomplish what you wanted. You’re disappointed in yourself. So you decide NEXT year will be different.
January 1-10: You’re motivated. You’re doing the thing. You feel good. You post about it. This is it. This is the year.
January 11-31: Motivation fades. The behavior gets harder. You miss a day. Then another. You start negotiating with yourself. “I’ll start again Monday.”
February-November: You’ve quit. You feel guilty every time you think about it. You avoid the gym because you’re embarrassed. You don’t meal prep because you “failed” last time. The goal becomes a reminder of your inadequacy.
December: Repeat.
The problem isn’t you. The problem is you’re setting goals based on who you wish you were instead of who you actually are.
What You’re Actually Doing
Let’s be honest about what most New Year’s resolutions actually are:
“I’m going to lose 30 pounds” = I hate my body and I’m going to punish it into submission.
“I’m going to wake up at 5am” = I’m going to ignore my actual sleep needs and chronotype to perform productivity.
“I’m going to read 52 books” = I’m going to turn something I enjoy into an anxiety-inducing metric.
“I’m going to quit drinking/sugar/social media” = I’m going to use willpower to override a coping mechanism without addressing why I need the coping mechanism.
“I’m going to be more positive” = I’m going to suppress negative emotions and perform happiness.
None of these are actually about becoming healthier or happier.
They’re about becoming acceptable. To yourself. To others. To the version of you that exists in your head.
And when you fail, you don’t question the goal. You question yourself.
The Truth About Change
Here’s what actually works:
You don’t change by hating yourself into transformation.
You change by understanding how you actually operate and working with that instead of against it.
You have ADHD? Stop setting goals that require sustained executive function without external structure.
You’re not a morning person? Stop trying to become one. Build your life around when your brain actually works.
You use food as emotional regulation? Fix the emotional regulation problem, not the food.
You’re exhausted? Rest isn’t a reward you earn after productivity. It’s a requirement for being human.
You hate your job? A morning routine won’t fix that. A new job will.
Most New Year’s resolutions fail because they’re addressing symptoms, not causes.
What To Do Instead
I’m not saying don’t have goals. I’m saying have the right goals for the wrong reasons.
Here’s the framework:
1. Start with acceptance, not rejection
What if you didn’t need to be fixed? What if you just needed to understand yourself better?
Instead of: “I need to lose weight”
Try: “I want to feel better in my body. What actually makes that happen for me?”
Instead of: “I need to be more disciplined”
Try: “What systems work with my brain instead of against it?”
2. Work with your actual patterns
You’ve tried the same resolution five years in a row. It hasn’t worked.
Not because you’re broken. Because the approach doesn’t match how you operate.
What actually works for you? Not what works for other people. Not what you think should work. What has actually worked in your past when you’ve been successful at something?
Use that pattern.
3. Make it so easy you can’t fail
Most resolutions fail because they’re too ambitious.
“I’m going to work out six days a week” becomes zero days by February.
Try: “I’m going to move my body for 10 minutes, three times a week.”
That’s it. That’s the entire goal.
You can do more if you want. But the goal is 10 minutes, three times.
That’s not inspiring. That’s not impressive. That’s not going to make a good Instagram post.
But it’s achievable. And achievable beats aspirational every time.
4. Measure process, not outcomes
Weight loss is an outcome. You don’t control it directly.
Eating vegetables at dinner is a process. You control it completely.
Reading 52 books is an outcome dependent on book length, time availability, and a dozen other variables.
Reading for 20 minutes before bed is a process you can do regardless of circumstances.
Focus on what you can actually control.
5. Build in failure
You’re going to miss days. That’s not failure. That’s life.
Build that into the system.
Instead of: “I’m going to meditate every single day”
Try: “I’m going to meditate 5 out of 7 days per week”
Now you have built-in flex days. Missing Monday doesn’t mean you failed. It means you used one of your two skip days.
6. Ask why you want this
If your goal is to lose weight because you hate how you look, that’s shame-based motivation. It won’t last.
If your goal is to move your body because it helps your ADHD symptoms and makes you feel less anxious, that’s need-based motivation. That’s sustainable.
Most resolutions are shame-based. They fail because shame is a terrible long-term motivator.
The Different Take
Here’s what I’m doing this year:
Nothing dramatic. Nothing transformative. Nothing that requires me to become a different person.
I’m doing the same things that worked for me in 2024. I’m keeping the habits that actually stuck. I’m not adding new goals just because it’s January.
I’m staying sober (5+ years, not negotiable).
I’m writing weekly (because I built an audience that depends on it).
I’m showing up for my sales role (because I’m good at it and it pays well).
I’m continuing my lawsuit (because settling would destroy me).
That’s it. No vision board. No word of the year. No dramatic transformation.
I’m just continuing to be who I actually am instead of performing who I think I should be.
What If You Did Nothing?
Seriously. What if you didn’t set any New Year’s resolutions?
What if you just maintained what’s already working? What if you rested? What if you gave yourself permission to be exactly who you are right now without the pressure to become someone else?
Would that actually be worse than the cycle of setting goals, failing, shame-spiraling, and repeating?
I’m not saying ambition is bad. I’m saying self-hatred disguised as self-improvement is worse.
The Real Question
Do you actually want to change? Or do you want to feel like you’re trying to change so you can stop feeling guilty about not changing?
Because most New Year’s resolutions are performative. They’re not about transformation. They’re about signaling to yourself and others that you’re “working on it.”
If you actually wanted to change, you’d start on a random Tuesday in March when nobody’s watching. You’d build systems that work with your life instead of against it. You’d focus on boring consistency instead of dramatic transformation.
But that doesn’t make a good Instagram post.
So we set resolutions. We fail. We feel bad. We repeat.
And the self-improvement industrial complex makes billions convincing you that next year will be different.
It won’t be. Unless you stop trying to fix yourself and start working with who you actually are.
My Recommendation
This year, try something radical:
Don’t set New Year’s resolutions.
Instead, ask yourself:
“What’s one small thing I can do consistently that would make my life slightly less hard?”
Not transformative. Not impressive. Just slightly less hard.
Maybe it’s drinking water when you wake up. Maybe it’s taking your meds at the same time every day. Maybe it’s texting one friend per week. Maybe it’s going to bed 30 minutes earlier.
One thing. Small. Boring. Sustainable.
And if you miss a day? You just start again the next day. No shame. No failure. No evidence that you’re broken.
You’re not broken. You’re human.
And humans don’t need New Year’s resolutions. They need compassion, rest, and systems that actually work with their brains.
Start there.
—Cody Taymore
Kill The Silence
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This reflection really speaks to me, and I find it incredibly meaningful.
I never set New Years resolutions. Turning a calendar page has nothing to do with me changing. I change things up when they no longer serve me. I can do that any day. Thanks for telling it like it really is! 💕