Goddamn… same feels over here, different flavors of nightmare scenarios, mind you; but therapist (oh that’s a killer!), employers, entire support network (and very friend I’ve had since childhood!), doctors, family, partner, my own body, every human I have known. I don’t understand how we fall into these nightmares, while others plug along. I can’t even write about it or process yet. I am just in the part where my brain stopped functioning, my final hell no. I can’t seem to get past it. i mean obviously I will because that’s all I’ve done since age 2?! But it’s hell, I thought I had done the work the past 30 years and sadly, that was just the auditioning. I’ve tried every kind of therapy out there for CPTSD. I have never felt so hurt as I do at present, so much distrust and anger, it was unleashed this year. It is the ugliest side of me I have ever seen, and I am a single mother. I hate being this as a mother, without the strength to mask anymore because ADHD, chronic disease, all the jobs every day, no money for food, scared of doctors and therapists, scared of mirrors ffs.
I keep pulling out my usual coping techniques. my poetry, my art supplies, my tactiles and I am completely stuck. i have been to this rodeo so many times, I know it is on me only to fix this, but I’m more tired than before this go round. I’m in hiding for now, storing energy. Screaming into pillows, flooding my apartment with tears when my son is with his father. Hoping to get enough of the dark out to be able to process some art or anything again. I love being alone, but this survival by hiding, is not that. I have to get through for my dear sweet sensitive kid. And for the first time in my life, I lost my way completely and don’t know how to get back. I am 4 years old again sitting on a stoop on Sacramento ave. worried for Nikki to get out of her house safely. I’m watching the sun go down. The air smells like pineapple guavas and sour cherry plums. And I can hear her screaming for my help.
I read your honest thoughts not because I've had a similar experience, but because I'm trying to understand what my best friend has been through. It has changed her and I love her, but I know I can never really understand. You help get me closer, however.
Right on! The experiences we share/have in common, highlight that many people seeking help are exploited. And creating spaces for those of us to connect through this form of presence gives an opportunity for others to wake up to the reality of this reality.
I soooo appreciate what you are doing...I am so here for it. It is so validating! It doesn't seem like a coincidence that I recently surrendered the mask even more, and I am so, so, so done pretending...then your work came up on my feed. Thank you!
Man, this is fucking brutal. It actually hurts to read.
But it's the TRUTH ... and I thank you for that.
Thank you Larry. I really appreciate it. Some of it hurts to write.
Thanks for sharing this raw and undiluted.
Goddamn… same feels over here, different flavors of nightmare scenarios, mind you; but therapist (oh that’s a killer!), employers, entire support network (and very friend I’ve had since childhood!), doctors, family, partner, my own body, every human I have known. I don’t understand how we fall into these nightmares, while others plug along. I can’t even write about it or process yet. I am just in the part where my brain stopped functioning, my final hell no. I can’t seem to get past it. i mean obviously I will because that’s all I’ve done since age 2?! But it’s hell, I thought I had done the work the past 30 years and sadly, that was just the auditioning. I’ve tried every kind of therapy out there for CPTSD. I have never felt so hurt as I do at present, so much distrust and anger, it was unleashed this year. It is the ugliest side of me I have ever seen, and I am a single mother. I hate being this as a mother, without the strength to mask anymore because ADHD, chronic disease, all the jobs every day, no money for food, scared of doctors and therapists, scared of mirrors ffs.
I keep pulling out my usual coping techniques. my poetry, my art supplies, my tactiles and I am completely stuck. i have been to this rodeo so many times, I know it is on me only to fix this, but I’m more tired than before this go round. I’m in hiding for now, storing energy. Screaming into pillows, flooding my apartment with tears when my son is with his father. Hoping to get enough of the dark out to be able to process some art or anything again. I love being alone, but this survival by hiding, is not that. I have to get through for my dear sweet sensitive kid. And for the first time in my life, I lost my way completely and don’t know how to get back. I am 4 years old again sitting on a stoop on Sacramento ave. worried for Nikki to get out of her house safely. I’m watching the sun go down. The air smells like pineapple guavas and sour cherry plums. And I can hear her screaming for my help.
So glad you do Cody. I didn’t subscribe for your softness or to stay in my comfort zone.
Thank you Ryan
Thank you.
I can very much relate to “she hijacked my ability to tell what was real”
I read your honest thoughts not because I've had a similar experience, but because I'm trying to understand what my best friend has been through. It has changed her and I love her, but I know I can never really understand. You help get me closer, however.
For me personally, I don’t need people to understand me. Many days I don’t even understand me.
I believe I need to know that I’m loved in every form.
When we experience trauma that others can’t grasp it feels very isolating.
You sound like a great friend. Thank you for the comment.
Right on! The experiences we share/have in common, highlight that many people seeking help are exploited. And creating spaces for those of us to connect through this form of presence gives an opportunity for others to wake up to the reality of this reality.
I’m sorry we have that in common, but I’m glad to still be here and hopefully making an impact. Thank you for the kind message.
Thank you so much for writing this. I can't share my experience yet.
I soooo appreciate what you are doing...I am so here for it. It is so validating! It doesn't seem like a coincidence that I recently surrendered the mask even more, and I am so, so, so done pretending...then your work came up on my feed. Thank you!