What a beautiful piece, I really appreciated it. A friend once told me that I needed to stop romanticizing what family means, because I will always be disappointed. She was right. Once I let that go, I felt so free.
Wow great article. That's my family. But honestly I come from a good family and I love them all so much. I wouldn't mind spending the day with my lizard but if God willing im going with my brother to my sister's house on Thanksgiving. We are not having a turkey dinner. We are just gathering, eating some easy to cook food and chilling. My family ghosted me as my cancer progressed. I was doing a lot of complaining lol. Now it is what it is but I have my days. I dont know how many more times I will be able to gather with the family so im going. My sister is the complainer now. OMG I cant do this. Im getting old. Whatever lol. I plan on going, sitting in a corner and speaking when im spoken to. My Dr gives me xanax for the really hard times. I dont like to take them unless a last resort. I am a recovering addict lol. No matter where you are, I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. I will have my phone to read western philosophy articles when I get bored
This is such an important truth. People romanticize the holidays, but for so many, family gatherings are a source of dread, not comfort. Giving yourself permission to step out of the pattern isn’t selfish — it’s self-preservation. The grief, the relief, the quiet, the weirdness… it’s all part of reclaiming your peace. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is refuse to keep performing in places that have never made space for who you actually are.
Amen. If it’s harming you to go, then you have an obligation to yourself to NOT go. If you’re going to be alone because you choose not to go and you don’t want to be alone, maybe volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen. Cut up some vegetables, wash some pots, talk to the workers and clients. I tried that and it was so life-giving for me I did it again on Christmas. Another thing I’ve found to be life-giving is to invite a person who is alone to dine with you. You don’t need to do this at home but you certainly can. It doesn’t need to be elaborate or expensive or “traditional” unless you want it to be. You can take them to a restaurant. Order Chinese or Indian takeout. And although it’s definitely not for everybody, think about inviting a stranger—a homeless person or a traveler—to eat with you at a restaurant. Above all, do what helps you, not harms you. It’s not good to harm yourself physically and it’s not good to harm yourself spiritually or emotionally.
I am still white-knuckling holidays, not having found something special to do that is a celebration, but I can absolutely say, the relief is greater than any regret. There is no winning with toxic family & the feeling of freedom is the best possible gift to myself.
This post is so helpful. Don't try to explain or get anyone to understand...just try it, you can miss one event. Weirdly, the first time I declined to participate, my family Christmas was canceled. No one wanted to do it & they could say it was me...whatever, their dysfunction in no longer my problem! Warm regards to everyone getting free.
What a beautiful piece, I really appreciated it. A friend once told me that I needed to stop romanticizing what family means, because I will always be disappointed. She was right. Once I let that go, I felt so free.
Thank you Jennifer. I had to do the same.
Wow great article. That's my family. But honestly I come from a good family and I love them all so much. I wouldn't mind spending the day with my lizard but if God willing im going with my brother to my sister's house on Thanksgiving. We are not having a turkey dinner. We are just gathering, eating some easy to cook food and chilling. My family ghosted me as my cancer progressed. I was doing a lot of complaining lol. Now it is what it is but I have my days. I dont know how many more times I will be able to gather with the family so im going. My sister is the complainer now. OMG I cant do this. Im getting old. Whatever lol. I plan on going, sitting in a corner and speaking when im spoken to. My Dr gives me xanax for the really hard times. I dont like to take them unless a last resort. I am a recovering addict lol. No matter where you are, I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. I will have my phone to read western philosophy articles when I get bored
I hear you loud and clear! 💕
This is such an important truth. People romanticize the holidays, but for so many, family gatherings are a source of dread, not comfort. Giving yourself permission to step out of the pattern isn’t selfish — it’s self-preservation. The grief, the relief, the quiet, the weirdness… it’s all part of reclaiming your peace. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is refuse to keep performing in places that have never made space for who you actually are.
Really good piece
Amen. If it’s harming you to go, then you have an obligation to yourself to NOT go. If you’re going to be alone because you choose not to go and you don’t want to be alone, maybe volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen. Cut up some vegetables, wash some pots, talk to the workers and clients. I tried that and it was so life-giving for me I did it again on Christmas. Another thing I’ve found to be life-giving is to invite a person who is alone to dine with you. You don’t need to do this at home but you certainly can. It doesn’t need to be elaborate or expensive or “traditional” unless you want it to be. You can take them to a restaurant. Order Chinese or Indian takeout. And although it’s definitely not for everybody, think about inviting a stranger—a homeless person or a traveler—to eat with you at a restaurant. Above all, do what helps you, not harms you. It’s not good to harm yourself physically and it’s not good to harm yourself spiritually or emotionally.
I am still white-knuckling holidays, not having found something special to do that is a celebration, but I can absolutely say, the relief is greater than any regret. There is no winning with toxic family & the feeling of freedom is the best possible gift to myself.
This post is so helpful. Don't try to explain or get anyone to understand...just try it, you can miss one event. Weirdly, the first time I declined to participate, my family Christmas was canceled. No one wanted to do it & they could say it was me...whatever, their dysfunction in no longer my problem! Warm regards to everyone getting free.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read today. Thank you! 💕
Very true yes beautifully said this will be two years now for me since I’ve chosen myself