What’s scary is that the relationship with the narcissist doesn’t have to be abusive or constant for someone to develop at least some degree of these behaviors. Children need love, and they’ll adjust to doing whatever is needed, especially when the narcissistic parent is an expert at presenting their charming face.
Wow! At 71 I now see what really went down in my childhood and continue to do what I had to do because I married one. The light is now bright and I can handle it going forward. My sincere thanks!
Thank you for just being you, treelady! I thought I was one of the few at 70 still trying to work my way through these things. My first husband was a narcissist, my mom was all through her life, and I guess the gene got passed down to my daughter, cause she's all drama all the time in the same way.
The walking into a room and reading the emotional tenor hits me to a tee, to this very day. I swear, that's why I've loved and rescued cats and dogs my entire adult life. THEY give unconditional love.
I honestly don't have many events from my childhood that I remember, but boy, can I remember the fear and trembling as I stepped up on the front porch after school, wondering what it'd be like when I stepped inside.
As a pre-teen, I'd written little short stories and poems. LOVED writing. It was my escape. I came home one day to find my mom had been in my room and torn the little booklet of stories I'd written into pieces and thrown it into the trash. Okay, I'm 70 years old, and I swear to you, I'm crying right now just remembering it. I also never wrote another short story.
I want to scream. I fit in each of your points. And it's quite horrific and painful to read my own feelings / reactions to the outside world through words written by someone else. So. I'm not alone, that I had already suspected. But what makes me cringe and leaves me befuddled is that it stops right at the behavior. The "reasons why" don’t match. My parents never tricked me with calculated compliments, or made me feel guilty, yet I apologize for absolutely everything, and I almost want to apologize for being born. Ain't it sick... A compliment ? I always find a way out to divert it from me to the context, I must make anyone who praises me realize that they're wrong, they're mistaken, I don’t deserve any of it, it's just chance, it's not my fault !!!
I'm asking you, Cody, whoever reading this, WHY. If it's not narcissist parents, then what. Is it in me ? Within me ? On the other hand, I was on the lookout for arguments between my parents, because it was my job (self-attributed) to soothe things out, make it less worse, comfort my mom if she cried, and so on. WHY ????? I'm 56 and it's still going on, always, and I'm sorry for spilling all over as always... if any of you has even the beginning of an explanation, please, please help me, let me know. Cody, thank you.
Angelique, if I may attempt an answer. You said you were on the lookout for your parents arguments and had to smooth things over and be there for your mom when she cried.
That wasn’t your job! The fact that you thought it was tells me that someone important to you did or said something to you make you feel responsible to make things better. I would suggest that you talk this over with a therapist and see what they have to say. It may lead you to the answer you are seeking. 💕
Thank you, Sandi, I'm grateful that you took the time to respond to my cry for help. I did explore, analyze, and overanalyze how my childhood enfolded, both by myself and with numerous therapists, to no avail. You're definitely right, it was NOT my job. I was thrown in the adult world before I had time to grow up, and boy did it mess me up. I came to see this "call of duty" as an instinctive reaction to injustice. That's as far as I went, though. Thanx again 🕊
Hi Angelique. I hear your pain and frustration. What I would like to add to this conversation is that in my experience searching for a why can be frustrating and even if found, not give any resolution. Human beings are very complex and our beliefs and behaviours are formed by many different things. For me focusing on the why i.e. what had happened to "make" me the way I was and therefore what needed to be fixed, kept me stuck in a victim mentality. What helped to set me free from that was using embodiment practices and parts integration to learn to love myself for all that I am now: focusing just on what is here now rather than where or why it is here. Through embodiment coaching I experienced that our subconscious mind is not rational or logical and forms beliefs that can make no sense to our rational conscious mind. Because of this your conscious mind may never be able to work out the why of your patterns of behaviour, but your body knows, and your body also knows how to heal and transform. Sending you much love
Hi Angelique, I was 28 when John Bradshaw’s book Healing The Shame That Binds You was released - that clarified to me my upbringing learned survival mechanisms that formed what became my outward behavior with others. I think this quick read is worthwhile with its useful terms and diagrams that I still carry as explanations for my constant guilt at feeling any true joy, and therefore the self-sabotaging tendencies used to bring me back to a less optimal worthiness. Cody’s write-up here is fabulous, am forwarding to other family survivors next - much thanks.
Hello Thomas, thank you so much, I will get the book today on Amazon (I hope I can find it there). The guilt.. never-ending, kiling-me Guilt. Going along with its siebling Shame, of course. 🙏
Indeed, and with Bradshaw shaming was the narcissist parent’s most persistent means of control - making all the family dysfunction appear to be caused by the innocent child in order to keep an appearance of normalcy to outsiders, who may even misidentify them as a stellar most-cohesive family even. Bradshaw’s term for that loss of identity the victim child suffers with, often well into adulthood (and for some their entire life sadly) “soul-murder” - which though harsh-sounding is quite appropriate. All the best, Tom
My sister was a narcissist and my mother and I did so many of the things you described. Thank you for documenting the effects narcissists have on all family dynamics.
Wow, just Wow!! You are spot on. I was raised by a narcissistic father and married a narcissistic man … this describes both me and my children before my divorce.
I am working on it but changing these patterns is damn hard and takes continuous awareness. I sent this to my children. Thanks
i wasn’t raised by narcissists. i was raised by 2 people with undiagnosed adhd who should never have reproduced. both of my parents grew up in physically (and sexually) abusive homes. my childhood home wasn’t abusive - it was chaotic. my own undiagnosed neurodivergence (my mom was convinced i had tourette syndrome when i was 3 because of self soothing and random tics) led me to be unable to make friends. those kids i did spend time with took advantage of me and bullied me. my 1st and 2nd grade teacher (same cow) was abusive physically and emotionally. another girl in my class (who i suspect was also neurodivergent) ended up in a psych ward after the teacher precipitated a breakdown.
it doesn’t have to be a narcissistic parent who creates these reactions.
The foggy gappy memory, the broken promises…. I recognized the other points too, but this one got home hard. I’ve been practicing saying Thank you to praise and compliments for years, and apologizing less often as well. It’s amazing how much those two things alone improve confidence by leaps and bounds!
Our society; education system, politics, systems of commerce, and nuclear family structures, often reinforce abusive and manipulative power structures. We live in a profoundly narcissistic society in a general sense. We are supposed to "go along, to get along" with things that are extremely harmful and counterintuitive to the truth and reality of what a healthy, well functioning life could be.
Americans work too hard and play too hard. We have the sickest population on earth and spend the most to try and fix it. Asking "why ?", even to oneself, is an act of self love and the beginning of true healing.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up to the sick demands of a sick society. A sick parent isn't created in a vacuum. I think that's where the "they did the best they could", comes from. Someone mentioned in another article how parents aren't required to have a license to procreate. But, what would that training look like in a society that is driven by values of capitalism, rather than well-being ? I'm starting to feel that so many things are so corrupted by our society, that to come out unscathed is a miracle.
I was raised by a single parent (mother), immigrant, we struggled and she sacrificed so much for me. I don’t think she was a narcissist. She was anxious and depressed having been a teenager in Germany all through WW2. I have all the problems you mentioned.
Well I have 2/7. my father was a hard core narcie but I looks like i got over the rest of 5.
But there's one thing about the faded memories.. it could be caused by a deep spiritual reason too, so if , you have had no narcie parents and you have only 1/7 and that 1 is the faded, foggy memories of childhood, than that can be explained by a spiritual way.
It would be very hard to explain and this is just a comment it was not my post and will not put it here, but I'll make a lomg post about it.
Great writing, very useful thanks. restack will follow.😇🙏🥰
This was/is me. I try every day to let go of the old survival skills I honed. Learning to let go of your old self is a lifelong job (for me.)
I need to read this every day until it reprograms me completely.
Thank you, Cody. 💕
What’s scary is that the relationship with the narcissist doesn’t have to be abusive or constant for someone to develop at least some degree of these behaviors. Children need love, and they’ll adjust to doing whatever is needed, especially when the narcissistic parent is an expert at presenting their charming face.
Wow! At 71 I now see what really went down in my childhood and continue to do what I had to do because I married one. The light is now bright and I can handle it going forward. My sincere thanks!
Thank you for just being you, treelady! I thought I was one of the few at 70 still trying to work my way through these things. My first husband was a narcissist, my mom was all through her life, and I guess the gene got passed down to my daughter, cause she's all drama all the time in the same way.
The walking into a room and reading the emotional tenor hits me to a tee, to this very day. I swear, that's why I've loved and rescued cats and dogs my entire adult life. THEY give unconditional love.
I honestly don't have many events from my childhood that I remember, but boy, can I remember the fear and trembling as I stepped up on the front porch after school, wondering what it'd be like when I stepped inside.
As a pre-teen, I'd written little short stories and poems. LOVED writing. It was my escape. I came home one day to find my mom had been in my room and torn the little booklet of stories I'd written into pieces and thrown it into the trash. Okay, I'm 70 years old, and I swear to you, I'm crying right now just remembering it. I also never wrote another short story.
Sandy, my heart aches reading this. Did we have the same mother? I swear I experienced the same things! 😞
I want to scream. I fit in each of your points. And it's quite horrific and painful to read my own feelings / reactions to the outside world through words written by someone else. So. I'm not alone, that I had already suspected. But what makes me cringe and leaves me befuddled is that it stops right at the behavior. The "reasons why" don’t match. My parents never tricked me with calculated compliments, or made me feel guilty, yet I apologize for absolutely everything, and I almost want to apologize for being born. Ain't it sick... A compliment ? I always find a way out to divert it from me to the context, I must make anyone who praises me realize that they're wrong, they're mistaken, I don’t deserve any of it, it's just chance, it's not my fault !!!
I'm asking you, Cody, whoever reading this, WHY. If it's not narcissist parents, then what. Is it in me ? Within me ? On the other hand, I was on the lookout for arguments between my parents, because it was my job (self-attributed) to soothe things out, make it less worse, comfort my mom if she cried, and so on. WHY ????? I'm 56 and it's still going on, always, and I'm sorry for spilling all over as always... if any of you has even the beginning of an explanation, please, please help me, let me know. Cody, thank you.
Angelique, if I may attempt an answer. You said you were on the lookout for your parents arguments and had to smooth things over and be there for your mom when she cried.
That wasn’t your job! The fact that you thought it was tells me that someone important to you did or said something to you make you feel responsible to make things better. I would suggest that you talk this over with a therapist and see what they have to say. It may lead you to the answer you are seeking. 💕
Thank you, Sandi, I'm grateful that you took the time to respond to my cry for help. I did explore, analyze, and overanalyze how my childhood enfolded, both by myself and with numerous therapists, to no avail. You're definitely right, it was NOT my job. I was thrown in the adult world before I had time to grow up, and boy did it mess me up. I came to see this "call of duty" as an instinctive reaction to injustice. That's as far as I went, though. Thanx again 🕊
You are so very welcome, Angelique.💕
Hi Angelique. I hear your pain and frustration. What I would like to add to this conversation is that in my experience searching for a why can be frustrating and even if found, not give any resolution. Human beings are very complex and our beliefs and behaviours are formed by many different things. For me focusing on the why i.e. what had happened to "make" me the way I was and therefore what needed to be fixed, kept me stuck in a victim mentality. What helped to set me free from that was using embodiment practices and parts integration to learn to love myself for all that I am now: focusing just on what is here now rather than where or why it is here. Through embodiment coaching I experienced that our subconscious mind is not rational or logical and forms beliefs that can make no sense to our rational conscious mind. Because of this your conscious mind may never be able to work out the why of your patterns of behaviour, but your body knows, and your body also knows how to heal and transform. Sending you much love
Hi Angelique, I was 28 when John Bradshaw’s book Healing The Shame That Binds You was released - that clarified to me my upbringing learned survival mechanisms that formed what became my outward behavior with others. I think this quick read is worthwhile with its useful terms and diagrams that I still carry as explanations for my constant guilt at feeling any true joy, and therefore the self-sabotaging tendencies used to bring me back to a less optimal worthiness. Cody’s write-up here is fabulous, am forwarding to other family survivors next - much thanks.
Thanks for reminding me of John Bradshaw and his amazing book. I haven’t read it in a long time. Think I will read it again!
Hello Thomas, thank you so much, I will get the book today on Amazon (I hope I can find it there). The guilt.. never-ending, kiling-me Guilt. Going along with its siebling Shame, of course. 🙏
Indeed, and with Bradshaw shaming was the narcissist parent’s most persistent means of control - making all the family dysfunction appear to be caused by the innocent child in order to keep an appearance of normalcy to outsiders, who may even misidentify them as a stellar most-cohesive family even. Bradshaw’s term for that loss of identity the victim child suffers with, often well into adulthood (and for some their entire life sadly) “soul-murder” - which though harsh-sounding is quite appropriate. All the best, Tom
I bought the book... thank you, for caring, Tom.
My sister was a narcissist and my mother and I did so many of the things you described. Thank you for documenting the effects narcissists have on all family dynamics.
All families are dysfunctional in their own ways.
The truth will set me free.
Thank you!
Wow, just Wow!! You are spot on. I was raised by a narcissistic father and married a narcissistic man … this describes both me and my children before my divorce.
I am working on it but changing these patterns is damn hard and takes continuous awareness. I sent this to my children. Thanks
i display all of these except 4 and 5.
i wasn’t raised by narcissists. i was raised by 2 people with undiagnosed adhd who should never have reproduced. both of my parents grew up in physically (and sexually) abusive homes. my childhood home wasn’t abusive - it was chaotic. my own undiagnosed neurodivergence (my mom was convinced i had tourette syndrome when i was 3 because of self soothing and random tics) led me to be unable to make friends. those kids i did spend time with took advantage of me and bullied me. my 1st and 2nd grade teacher (same cow) was abusive physically and emotionally. another girl in my class (who i suspect was also neurodivergent) ended up in a psych ward after the teacher precipitated a breakdown.
it doesn’t have to be a narcissistic parent who creates these reactions.
It wasn’t my family. It was society.
Growing up in the 1950s and 1960s in a conservative, Catholic, conformist community/ culture bred the same symptoms.
The foggy gappy memory, the broken promises…. I recognized the other points too, but this one got home hard. I’ve been practicing saying Thank you to praise and compliments for years, and apologizing less often as well. It’s amazing how much those two things alone improve confidence by leaps and bounds!
For some of us, it’s like looking in a mirror!😳
I do these things but I think it was from 12 years of being in an abusive marriage. I sure this didn’t come from my growing up.
Our society; education system, politics, systems of commerce, and nuclear family structures, often reinforce abusive and manipulative power structures. We live in a profoundly narcissistic society in a general sense. We are supposed to "go along, to get along" with things that are extremely harmful and counterintuitive to the truth and reality of what a healthy, well functioning life could be.
Americans work too hard and play too hard. We have the sickest population on earth and spend the most to try and fix it. Asking "why ?", even to oneself, is an act of self love and the beginning of true healing.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up to the sick demands of a sick society. A sick parent isn't created in a vacuum. I think that's where the "they did the best they could", comes from. Someone mentioned in another article how parents aren't required to have a license to procreate. But, what would that training look like in a society that is driven by values of capitalism, rather than well-being ? I'm starting to feel that so many things are so corrupted by our society, that to come out unscathed is a miracle.
I'm 55 and still healing from the childhood that gave me all of these wounds. This article is a true handbook for healing. Thank you.
I was raised by a single parent (mother), immigrant, we struggled and she sacrificed so much for me. I don’t think she was a narcissist. She was anxious and depressed having been a teenager in Germany all through WW2. I have all the problems you mentioned.
Well I have 2/7. my father was a hard core narcie but I looks like i got over the rest of 5.
But there's one thing about the faded memories.. it could be caused by a deep spiritual reason too, so if , you have had no narcie parents and you have only 1/7 and that 1 is the faded, foggy memories of childhood, than that can be explained by a spiritual way.
It would be very hard to explain and this is just a comment it was not my post and will not put it here, but I'll make a lomg post about it.
Great writing, very useful thanks. restack will follow.😇🙏🥰
Oh boy. Did this ever hit home. Thank you.