˝That person was never broken. They were just never safe enough to exist.˝-Thank you for these words! It so true what you wrote, even though for me even this isn't enough. I comprehend it logically but I still resist the reality that there is no way around. That healing of the nervous system takes a long time. That I will never be who I wanted and I instead need to find beauty in who I am. Now. Imperfectly human.
Perfectly put…I’ll never be who I wanted but need to find the beauty of who I am! I’m going to write that down so I don’t forget it. Best wishes as we heal!
Yes! best wishes as we heal from believing that we should be something else than our unique imperfect selves. I believe that we need healing from self-rejection ❤️
Cody, your post hits me right in the gut. I’m in a new job and feel anxious and inadequate. It’s not the knowledge. I have the knowledge. It’s the daily grind. It’s the ‘God, I’m going to mess this up. Please help me.’ It’s that thinking day after day after day. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. And it’s only been five weeks. What do I do?
It's easy to keep someone "fixing & healing" always a new quick fix but this post is actually about real healing - not quick, not easy & the only way to do it is to show up every day and let yourself be. Healing isn't glamorous or fun but my God it's f*cking worth it! Thank you for sharing this ❤️
This whole thing really blew my mind, Cody, in the best way possible. I’m left feeling happy I “found” you and pissed because it took me so long…lol. Thank you for the help.
What a post! It's so true. Gathering information is the first step in the healing process. Having a corrective emotional experience helps one internalize and helps the brain to rewire. I have been lucky enough as a therapist to see people weekly for 25 years. I have seen many of those people improve, and they have also found healing experiences in their lives. I have not seen many heal completely, but it is a lifelong experience of having these corrective experiences that help on a deeper level.
Cody this is deeply insightful. For me, it’s wisdom of what it is to *be* healing versus to *do* healing. Thank you for sharing your brilliance. It’s much more of a contribution to what I/we each need beyond the knowledge of healing. Your words and their presence call me to remember this poem from Rumi, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
Another amazing post…it’s so validating. I have spent 50 years of my life unknowingly masking and overcompensating with literally everything. I have crashed and burnout going on 6 years and I keep beating myself up for not getting better sooner, but this post validates my experience so much. It’s okay to not be okay, stop, set boundaries, then slowly change patterns and feel through it. Thank you.
Aaah so much to say about this and it is all so true. If you’re “feeling your feelings” specifically in the interest of making them go away, you’ve already lost. I can’t believe how entrenched I got with people who had all the knowledge, and certainly said all the time that shame was bad and feeling your feelings was good—but the subtext was always “we need to stop shame and feel our feelings… because the feelings are bad and we want them gone.” It’s so obvious now that I’m looking back at it all from a distance. Processing my feelings with respect carried real data that was relevant to my real life—it wasn’t just echoes from abuse from the past.
This is excellent! Especially when I got past the what healing isn’t part, probably because that’s where I am. I have so much knowledge. Same with dieting. I can teach how you are supposed to eat. I know what to do. But I don’t care what my blood sugar will be the next morning when I am binging because….I had a stressful day because my blood sugar was high? Like make that make sense. I’ve about decided it is better for me to not know what it is.
Well if this isn't just one of the most validating things I've read in forever. Pushing back against this nightmarish system to actually implement this stuff has got to be one of the toughest things we can ever do. All it wants us to do is crawl through every day, numb and exhausted, thinking this is all there is.
Ketamine assisted psychotherapy is the only intervention that has truly enable to move past my complex childhood history. Despite the negativity surrounding it, I know I'd never experience the release, relief and unburdening without it. I’ve explored numerous therapies, including IFS, EMDR, somatic experiencing and neurofeedback, guided by experts like Bessel van der Kolk. I read all the books. I went to the workshops. This post does a great job describing what the healing journey looks like for a lot of us: one struggle after another, one letdown after another, one betrayal by yet another psychotherapist that promises to hold the key and there’s little to no relief. The suffering continues while we feel we've been sold a bill of goods. Surely if we follow the advice of all the trauma workshop trauma informed experts life will be easier. It felt a little like a con game. In retrospect, the voices that were elevated in the cult of van der Kolk, are not entirely healthy themselves.
Part of the central challenge survivors experiences is ‘trauma speak’ indoctrination. Trauma survivors are a captive audience for predatory practices. Whenever there's a failure in psychotherapy, it’s so easy for the therapist to say whatever they want, “you're not doing what I'm telling you to do.” “This is a ‘part’ of you undermining therapy”, “you're treatment resistant”, “you're incapable of trust”, “don't think if you leave my practice, you can come back” They often use FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to terrorize their clients.
I needed to break free from the crazy. It’s the only way I know how to experience my freedom.
It would be very difficult to convince me ever to see a psychotherapist again. It was that damaging.
I still have a highly sensitive nervous. I doubt that will ever change. But I've moved past most of the trauma.
Embracing self-acceptance has been key. I empathize with the pain of others. I understand the isolation.
Life has presented significant challenges, but I find solace in nature, gardening, cooking and spending time with loved ones—these moments bring me peace and joy. You can never put a price on freedom either.
Hello Anna, your comment resinated with me. I was thinking of trying Ketamine, as you mentioned I have tried many, but end back up in “the pit” as I call it. Would you mind telling me a bit about it? I prefer a real perspective to a website of promise. 🧚♂️
Thank you for asking. I needed to think about how I wanted to respond. I'm in the process of writing some posts. As much as I appreciate ketamine, I feel there's a world of minefields to navigate in terms of support not only in terms of intake, prep but also post-integration. In opinion, most clinics are doing a poor job. My primary issue is with psychedelic assisted psychotherapy training (The MAPS MDMA training manual) as well as the lack of experience and understanding of complex PTSD most ‘guides’ actually have. How a psychotherapist presents may be different than the reality. There's also a lot of spiritual bypassing, hubris and narcissism that you need to be on the look out for. Buyer’s beware as they say. Ketamine assisted psychotherapy is also not cheap. At the same time, clinics often cut corners to make their services cost effective.
The nature of my experience was so expansive, beyond what I could imagine, I cannot summarise here. It definitely wasn't easy. Psychedelics and ketamine are often presented as fun experiences. Yeah… some of the trippin’ can be exciting! Like a ride at Disneyland or Space Mountain. But, that's not really the point. You're often forced to confront what you've been avoiding. Each trip is a surprise. Once you're in a middle of a trip, you can't say, “hey, I don't want to do this!” You're there to ‘be with it’ and challenged to ‘stay with it.’
A little peer support advice, if you choose to move forward: be sure you’re actively working with current psychiatrist and trauma informed therapist who you TRUST. People you feel will have your back. Ketamine isn't a substitute for all the work you've done. You need to be able to trust whoever you end up working with. I, personally, don't believe it will work if you have lingering doubts because being in altered state of consciousness can be terrifying. The therapeutic alliance is essential. But, you don't develop trust after talking to someone once or twice, do you? This is where you can use your current treatment team to vet the clinic. If those offering ketamine assisted psychotherapy are not willing to chat for a few minutes with your current psychiatrist or psychotherapist, I’d walk away.
There’s a lot more. But, that’s part of a longer conversation.
I don't know your background. If you have a complex PTSD history, I wouldn't recommend it. There is NuVue, MindBloom and other ‘do at home’ ketamine ‘by the mail’ services. They claim that they can work with PTSD. I initially considered that route as it’s more cost effective. My psychiatrist and primary care advised against it. They did not think it was a good idea given my history. Also, the idea that you can have a psychotherapist with you remotely during the experience is ludicrous in my mind. I strongly feel like you need someone in the room with you. You might want someone in the room you to hold your hand or help guide you.
How would you feel if you were in some altered and you're reaching out to someone miles away on a computer monitor? Your friend cannot take your vitals, such as blood pressure so readily. If there's some kind of emergency or if you get ‘physical’ (you're feeling rage) or need to move around what is your friend going to do? I experienced intense emotions coming up. My friend might be empathetic, but they're not trained to deal with strong affect.
There is also dosing and method of administration to consider. The mail ketamine to your house start with lower doses. You can do lozenges, IV or shot. People choose to do different things. I didn't want to do lozenge as it tastes horrible. Less expensive., but lower therapeutic efficacy. You can experiment and see what works best for you. You might find that you need something else entirely. Some people choose take psilocybin instead. I think the decision to use a ‘psychedelic’ requires considerable forethought. Good luck.
Cody this was absolutely incredible! This was thee most insightful and informative heap of wisdom I’ve needed for a lifetime. I am a retired therapist and did primarily crisis intervention. It only made things worse. I finally collapsed one day from burnout. I am now retired and grieving the loss of my son. I go through each day wondering how I could have done things differently and how to stop the pain, nightmares and tears. I have no answers so I just move forward and try to stay upright.
Excuse me sir, I was not prepared to be read like this before my second cup of coffee but thank you for perfectly describing my entire personality.
Brb, sitting with this and rethinking my whole life (in a good way).
˝That person was never broken. They were just never safe enough to exist.˝-Thank you for these words! It so true what you wrote, even though for me even this isn't enough. I comprehend it logically but I still resist the reality that there is no way around. That healing of the nervous system takes a long time. That I will never be who I wanted and I instead need to find beauty in who I am. Now. Imperfectly human.
Perfectly put…I’ll never be who I wanted but need to find the beauty of who I am! I’m going to write that down so I don’t forget it. Best wishes as we heal!
Yes! best wishes as we heal from believing that we should be something else than our unique imperfect selves. I believe that we need healing from self-rejection ❤️
Beautiful comment.
Thank you!
The trauma and abuse survivors know more than any therapist we have gone through the fires very few would survive if they had to do the same .
Cody, your post hits me right in the gut. I’m in a new job and feel anxious and inadequate. It’s not the knowledge. I have the knowledge. It’s the daily grind. It’s the ‘God, I’m going to mess this up. Please help me.’ It’s that thinking day after day after day. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. And it’s only been five weeks. What do I do?
It's easy to keep someone "fixing & healing" always a new quick fix but this post is actually about real healing - not quick, not easy & the only way to do it is to show up every day and let yourself be. Healing isn't glamorous or fun but my God it's f*cking worth it! Thank you for sharing this ❤️
This whole thing really blew my mind, Cody, in the best way possible. I’m left feeling happy I “found” you and pissed because it took me so long…lol. Thank you for the help.
What a post! It's so true. Gathering information is the first step in the healing process. Having a corrective emotional experience helps one internalize and helps the brain to rewire. I have been lucky enough as a therapist to see people weekly for 25 years. I have seen many of those people improve, and they have also found healing experiences in their lives. I have not seen many heal completely, but it is a lifelong experience of having these corrective experiences that help on a deeper level.
Cody this is deeply insightful. For me, it’s wisdom of what it is to *be* healing versus to *do* healing. Thank you for sharing your brilliance. It’s much more of a contribution to what I/we each need beyond the knowledge of healing. Your words and their presence call me to remember this poem from Rumi, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”
Thank you for this post Cody
Beautiful poem.
Another amazing post…it’s so validating. I have spent 50 years of my life unknowingly masking and overcompensating with literally everything. I have crashed and burnout going on 6 years and I keep beating myself up for not getting better sooner, but this post validates my experience so much. It’s okay to not be okay, stop, set boundaries, then slowly change patterns and feel through it. Thank you.
Aaah so much to say about this and it is all so true. If you’re “feeling your feelings” specifically in the interest of making them go away, you’ve already lost. I can’t believe how entrenched I got with people who had all the knowledge, and certainly said all the time that shame was bad and feeling your feelings was good—but the subtext was always “we need to stop shame and feel our feelings… because the feelings are bad and we want them gone.” It’s so obvious now that I’m looking back at it all from a distance. Processing my feelings with respect carried real data that was relevant to my real life—it wasn’t just echoes from abuse from the past.
all your words ring so true in my own experience. Thanks for getting this message to those who need it most 🤔💙
This is excellent! Especially when I got past the what healing isn’t part, probably because that’s where I am. I have so much knowledge. Same with dieting. I can teach how you are supposed to eat. I know what to do. But I don’t care what my blood sugar will be the next morning when I am binging because….I had a stressful day because my blood sugar was high? Like make that make sense. I’ve about decided it is better for me to not know what it is.
Well if this isn't just one of the most validating things I've read in forever. Pushing back against this nightmarish system to actually implement this stuff has got to be one of the toughest things we can ever do. All it wants us to do is crawl through every day, numb and exhausted, thinking this is all there is.
Knowledge without safety is just another form of self-abandonment. This post gave me permission to stop trying to impress my own pain.
Ketamine assisted psychotherapy is the only intervention that has truly enable to move past my complex childhood history. Despite the negativity surrounding it, I know I'd never experience the release, relief and unburdening without it. I’ve explored numerous therapies, including IFS, EMDR, somatic experiencing and neurofeedback, guided by experts like Bessel van der Kolk. I read all the books. I went to the workshops. This post does a great job describing what the healing journey looks like for a lot of us: one struggle after another, one letdown after another, one betrayal by yet another psychotherapist that promises to hold the key and there’s little to no relief. The suffering continues while we feel we've been sold a bill of goods. Surely if we follow the advice of all the trauma workshop trauma informed experts life will be easier. It felt a little like a con game. In retrospect, the voices that were elevated in the cult of van der Kolk, are not entirely healthy themselves.
Part of the central challenge survivors experiences is ‘trauma speak’ indoctrination. Trauma survivors are a captive audience for predatory practices. Whenever there's a failure in psychotherapy, it’s so easy for the therapist to say whatever they want, “you're not doing what I'm telling you to do.” “This is a ‘part’ of you undermining therapy”, “you're treatment resistant”, “you're incapable of trust”, “don't think if you leave my practice, you can come back” They often use FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to terrorize their clients.
I needed to break free from the crazy. It’s the only way I know how to experience my freedom.
It would be very difficult to convince me ever to see a psychotherapist again. It was that damaging.
I still have a highly sensitive nervous. I doubt that will ever change. But I've moved past most of the trauma.
Embracing self-acceptance has been key. I empathize with the pain of others. I understand the isolation.
Life has presented significant challenges, but I find solace in nature, gardening, cooking and spending time with loved ones—these moments bring me peace and joy. You can never put a price on freedom either.
Hello Anna, your comment resinated with me. I was thinking of trying Ketamine, as you mentioned I have tried many, but end back up in “the pit” as I call it. Would you mind telling me a bit about it? I prefer a real perspective to a website of promise. 🧚♂️
Thank you for asking. I needed to think about how I wanted to respond. I'm in the process of writing some posts. As much as I appreciate ketamine, I feel there's a world of minefields to navigate in terms of support not only in terms of intake, prep but also post-integration. In opinion, most clinics are doing a poor job. My primary issue is with psychedelic assisted psychotherapy training (The MAPS MDMA training manual) as well as the lack of experience and understanding of complex PTSD most ‘guides’ actually have. How a psychotherapist presents may be different than the reality. There's also a lot of spiritual bypassing, hubris and narcissism that you need to be on the look out for. Buyer’s beware as they say. Ketamine assisted psychotherapy is also not cheap. At the same time, clinics often cut corners to make their services cost effective.
The nature of my experience was so expansive, beyond what I could imagine, I cannot summarise here. It definitely wasn't easy. Psychedelics and ketamine are often presented as fun experiences. Yeah… some of the trippin’ can be exciting! Like a ride at Disneyland or Space Mountain. But, that's not really the point. You're often forced to confront what you've been avoiding. Each trip is a surprise. Once you're in a middle of a trip, you can't say, “hey, I don't want to do this!” You're there to ‘be with it’ and challenged to ‘stay with it.’
A little peer support advice, if you choose to move forward: be sure you’re actively working with current psychiatrist and trauma informed therapist who you TRUST. People you feel will have your back. Ketamine isn't a substitute for all the work you've done. You need to be able to trust whoever you end up working with. I, personally, don't believe it will work if you have lingering doubts because being in altered state of consciousness can be terrifying. The therapeutic alliance is essential. But, you don't develop trust after talking to someone once or twice, do you? This is where you can use your current treatment team to vet the clinic. If those offering ketamine assisted psychotherapy are not willing to chat for a few minutes with your current psychiatrist or psychotherapist, I’d walk away.
There’s a lot more. But, that’s part of a longer conversation.
Thank you. I would be doing this on an outpatient basis, with a friend’s support. My doubts are exactly what you mentioned. Thanks for your answer.
I don't know your background. If you have a complex PTSD history, I wouldn't recommend it. There is NuVue, MindBloom and other ‘do at home’ ketamine ‘by the mail’ services. They claim that they can work with PTSD. I initially considered that route as it’s more cost effective. My psychiatrist and primary care advised against it. They did not think it was a good idea given my history. Also, the idea that you can have a psychotherapist with you remotely during the experience is ludicrous in my mind. I strongly feel like you need someone in the room with you. You might want someone in the room you to hold your hand or help guide you.
How would you feel if you were in some altered and you're reaching out to someone miles away on a computer monitor? Your friend cannot take your vitals, such as blood pressure so readily. If there's some kind of emergency or if you get ‘physical’ (you're feeling rage) or need to move around what is your friend going to do? I experienced intense emotions coming up. My friend might be empathetic, but they're not trained to deal with strong affect.
There is also dosing and method of administration to consider. The mail ketamine to your house start with lower doses. You can do lozenges, IV or shot. People choose to do different things. I didn't want to do lozenge as it tastes horrible. Less expensive., but lower therapeutic efficacy. You can experiment and see what works best for you. You might find that you need something else entirely. Some people choose take psilocybin instead. I think the decision to use a ‘psychedelic’ requires considerable forethought. Good luck.
Cody this was absolutely incredible! This was thee most insightful and informative heap of wisdom I’ve needed for a lifetime. I am a retired therapist and did primarily crisis intervention. It only made things worse. I finally collapsed one day from burnout. I am now retired and grieving the loss of my son. I go through each day wondering how I could have done things differently and how to stop the pain, nightmares and tears. I have no answers so I just move forward and try to stay upright.