"Your brain literally rewires itself to prioritize their truth over yours. Not because their truth is accurate, but because maintaining the relationship feels more survival-critical than maintaining your sanity." Reading these words feels like finally being seen, heard and held.
Next steps...“Healing starts with trusting what your body knows — not what your mind was taught to doubt.”
“You didn’t lose your mind. You sacrificed your reality to survive someone else’s lies.” — best line. You nailed it in so many ways, Cody. 🙌
The biggest tell for me is that no matter how ‘nicely’ they speak, they can’t take responsibility for anything! I often test others early on in relationships now. Is this person capable of repair? When I express specific ways in which I feel hurt, and they respond ‘pass’ — or ‘not going to go there’ — I'm entirely done with the relationship. This is a huge red flag of immaturity and lack of empathy.
Surprisingly, many psychotherapists and psychiatrists are incapable of this due to their own sense of omnipotence. I've written letters to a few former mental health professionals. Some can graciously receive feedback and are open to dialogue. Others are completely defended. They just double down. Mind you, I'm only asking for acknowledgment of my feelings, how I felt they were being insensitive, maybe how they might interact with other clients in the future. No one is perfect. We all have our limitations. If you want your clients to be able to effectively deal with conflict, it seems to reason that you offer postive role modeling. Anyways...
I appreciate the inclusion of the neurological level. You're right that therapists tend to focus on the behavior and ‘he said, she said’ (or whatever other dynamic). It becomes some story. But we don't integrate gaslighting experiences merely by talking about the bad shit that happened to us. The validation, of course, is good. But we still, often, need something more. In this post, you offer the ‘more.’ That's a great gift to your readership. EMDR, neurofeedback, and somatic experience were also helpful to me.
I appreciate the process you laid out at the end. This offers survivors specific things that they can do themselves. Therapists are often not so great at providing practical tips. Cody, you're fulfilling many people's need to feel more fully empowered. I will return to what you wrote about the process. Even though I am familiar with the general process, it’s not bad to review. Unfortunately, I find manipulative people and those with ‘limited’ capacity everywhere — including on Substack.
The better we can prepare to deal with these inevitable encounters and address the fallout, the better. I thought after one or two encounters with covert narcissists, I was done. But that's not what I'm experiencing. I feel like I need to be proactive as I don't need additional brain damage. Ultimately, I want to experience peace of mind — serenity.
I left my narcissist 3 years ago, and no matter how many people validate my story and confirm that yes, he was abusive and I was right to leave, I still have moments where I wonder if people aren't just placating me and maybe it all wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be...but then I remember specifics of what he did to me, and I ask myself, if I heard this story from someone else what would I think? And that helps reaffirm what I already know to be true— he WAS abusive, and leaving was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
I’m sorry to hear you were betrayed like that, especially by someone entrusted to help with your healing. This line really connected for me and reminds me of Dr. Gabor Mate’s writing.“Your nervous system recorded what happened. Your body kept the score. Your implicit memory system filed the evidence.”
Cody, this was searing, powerful, and painfully validating. You’ve named what so many of us have felt but couldn’t explain. Thank you for giving language, and hope, to the long road back to self-trust.
Great article. I’m working on this with the distortion my father put on my mind. You could have left out the f words and I would have still got your message and info loud and clear. Thanks for the help
Or he could leave in his words because they are his words and his passion in articulating such difficult concepts in terms people may understand. I don’t often use those words myself but i get the deep passion in recovery he is trying to convey. It is not offensive to me. It speaks to my own experiences and the breakthroughs of rewiring a lifetime of gaslighting and feeling like I’m getting somewhere. His article is affirming and i hope it reaches not only those who had been gaslit (and had to survive with it) but also other therapists. May ALL therapists get into trauma informed work, even family systems work. It covers the complex psycho-emotional trauma and the whole being - not just cognitive talk therapy. 🙏🏼
Thank you for such a succinct article. As a childhood abuse survivor and then a therapist for 25 years, you put into words I wish my many therapists had said to me all those years ago.
What an excellent, well-written article. The timing of it is perfect, too.
I've spent a lot of time in recent years doing this rewiring from the ground up after a powerful experience in the American healthcare system. I've given myself an honorary Ph.D in becoming ungaslightable. :)
Oh my, what an experience. I know now that my nervous system was speaking loudly and clearly when I was under the care of a particular specialist for an arrhythmia, but it was too overloaded for me to fully read the signals. Plus the whole being sick & really vulnerable & so putting my trust in the specialist. He turned out to be quite the gaslighter. But I can thank him and the experience because I ultimately did become ungaslightable. He didn't like that too much, as you can imagine. He eventually dropped me in a manner that, if you're familiar with gaslighting, wasn't too surprising in retrospect, but still was rather traumatizing.
It made sense to me to explore what was going on in my nervous system because dysregulation had to somehow be triggering my heart, right? He's a neuroscientist on top of the heart stuff, but wasn't interested in exploring that line of thinking. So I did on my own, which led me to nervous system expert Irene Lyon.
Irene's SmartBody Smart Mind course has been a lifesaver/game changer! Based on Somatic Experiencing, it walks you through the rewiring process that you describe so well in your article.
What I loved about your article is that it reminds me of what I've been able to accomplish these past few years and that, yes, it is really amazing to wind up with super clear, sharp intuition about BS, manipulation and lies. I just had a couple of health care-related conversations in which my innate knowing that I was being given incorrect info was proven to be accurate. Ha! It can be deeply uncomfortable to encounter cultures that gaslight, but worth it to get real about it.
Cody my gaslighter was my therapist who specialized in somatic experiencing so I’m afraid to try all of the exercises you’re prescribing because they’re the exact same ones he prescribed for me: breath work, grounding, somatic experiencing, EMDR, yoga—all of these are things I distrust now because they came from my gaslighter. Do you have any advice on how I can help my mind escape this horrible trick?
Thank you im so glad you’re sharing your story here. I am slowly finding more people who have experienced therapist exploitation on substack when for years I felt completely isolated in my experience.
I had a therapist who stole 15 years of my life. Found a good one (ironically referred by her after I terminated w her-it’s very complicated and too much to explain in a comment) and a couple others since then. I understand. So sorry this happened to you. Both my parents were narcissists and also gaslighters. One of the byproducts of my lifelong trauma is it’s made me deeply empathic. A blessing and a curse. Thank you for this piece, Cody.
I completely can relate to your experiment. I found myself in a similar dynamic. 4 years later I am finally seeing it for what is truly was. Lots of learning and healing. Thank you so much for this share and all the wisdom that has come from your experience and passing it along to those that have suffered from this sometimes very silent but very deadly epidemic that has morphed its way into our lives.
Again, as someone who has experienced similar things with the same outcome - this post is not only critically important but so valuable and validating. Thank you for sharing.
"Your brain literally rewires itself to prioritize their truth over yours. Not because their truth is accurate, but because maintaining the relationship feels more survival-critical than maintaining your sanity." Reading these words feels like finally being seen, heard and held.
Next steps...“Healing starts with trusting what your body knows — not what your mind was taught to doubt.”
I am so hungry for trust.
I hope you find someone who is trustworthy and safe!
It’s taken me about 5 years to rewire these unhinged railroad tracks and sink into self trust again. It’s no easy feat, but possible indeed.
This article was very well-structured and well-written. Thank you for shedding such important light on this topic.
Thank you!
“You didn’t lose your mind. You sacrificed your reality to survive someone else’s lies.” — best line. You nailed it in so many ways, Cody. 🙌
The biggest tell for me is that no matter how ‘nicely’ they speak, they can’t take responsibility for anything! I often test others early on in relationships now. Is this person capable of repair? When I express specific ways in which I feel hurt, and they respond ‘pass’ — or ‘not going to go there’ — I'm entirely done with the relationship. This is a huge red flag of immaturity and lack of empathy.
Surprisingly, many psychotherapists and psychiatrists are incapable of this due to their own sense of omnipotence. I've written letters to a few former mental health professionals. Some can graciously receive feedback and are open to dialogue. Others are completely defended. They just double down. Mind you, I'm only asking for acknowledgment of my feelings, how I felt they were being insensitive, maybe how they might interact with other clients in the future. No one is perfect. We all have our limitations. If you want your clients to be able to effectively deal with conflict, it seems to reason that you offer postive role modeling. Anyways...
I appreciate the inclusion of the neurological level. You're right that therapists tend to focus on the behavior and ‘he said, she said’ (or whatever other dynamic). It becomes some story. But we don't integrate gaslighting experiences merely by talking about the bad shit that happened to us. The validation, of course, is good. But we still, often, need something more. In this post, you offer the ‘more.’ That's a great gift to your readership. EMDR, neurofeedback, and somatic experience were also helpful to me.
I appreciate the process you laid out at the end. This offers survivors specific things that they can do themselves. Therapists are often not so great at providing practical tips. Cody, you're fulfilling many people's need to feel more fully empowered. I will return to what you wrote about the process. Even though I am familiar with the general process, it’s not bad to review. Unfortunately, I find manipulative people and those with ‘limited’ capacity everywhere — including on Substack.
The better we can prepare to deal with these inevitable encounters and address the fallout, the better. I thought after one or two encounters with covert narcissists, I was done. But that's not what I'm experiencing. I feel like I need to be proactive as I don't need additional brain damage. Ultimately, I want to experience peace of mind — serenity.
It’s wild how no one talks about the physical consequences of emotional abuse.
I left my narcissist 3 years ago, and no matter how many people validate my story and confirm that yes, he was abusive and I was right to leave, I still have moments where I wonder if people aren't just placating me and maybe it all wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be...but then I remember specifics of what he did to me, and I ask myself, if I heard this story from someone else what would I think? And that helps reaffirm what I already know to be true— he WAS abusive, and leaving was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
I’m sorry to hear you were betrayed like that, especially by someone entrusted to help with your healing. This line really connected for me and reminds me of Dr. Gabor Mate’s writing.“Your nervous system recorded what happened. Your body kept the score. Your implicit memory system filed the evidence.”
Cody, this was searing, powerful, and painfully validating. You’ve named what so many of us have felt but couldn’t explain. Thank you for giving language, and hope, to the long road back to self-trust.
How I needed this today, yesterday, last month, a year ago, 5 years ago, *all my life*. Thank you. ❤️
Great article. I’m working on this with the distortion my father put on my mind. You could have left out the f words and I would have still got your message and info loud and clear. Thanks for the help
Or he could leave in his words because they are his words and his passion in articulating such difficult concepts in terms people may understand. I don’t often use those words myself but i get the deep passion in recovery he is trying to convey. It is not offensive to me. It speaks to my own experiences and the breakthroughs of rewiring a lifetime of gaslighting and feeling like I’m getting somewhere. His article is affirming and i hope it reaches not only those who had been gaslit (and had to survive with it) but also other therapists. May ALL therapists get into trauma informed work, even family systems work. It covers the complex psycho-emotional trauma and the whole being - not just cognitive talk therapy. 🙏🏼
This is fantastic! Thank you so much ❤️
Thank you for such a succinct article. As a childhood abuse survivor and then a therapist for 25 years, you put into words I wish my many therapists had said to me all those years ago.
What an excellent, well-written article. The timing of it is perfect, too.
I've spent a lot of time in recent years doing this rewiring from the ground up after a powerful experience in the American healthcare system. I've given myself an honorary Ph.D in becoming ungaslightable. :)
Oh my, what an experience. I know now that my nervous system was speaking loudly and clearly when I was under the care of a particular specialist for an arrhythmia, but it was too overloaded for me to fully read the signals. Plus the whole being sick & really vulnerable & so putting my trust in the specialist. He turned out to be quite the gaslighter. But I can thank him and the experience because I ultimately did become ungaslightable. He didn't like that too much, as you can imagine. He eventually dropped me in a manner that, if you're familiar with gaslighting, wasn't too surprising in retrospect, but still was rather traumatizing.
It made sense to me to explore what was going on in my nervous system because dysregulation had to somehow be triggering my heart, right? He's a neuroscientist on top of the heart stuff, but wasn't interested in exploring that line of thinking. So I did on my own, which led me to nervous system expert Irene Lyon.
Irene's SmartBody Smart Mind course has been a lifesaver/game changer! Based on Somatic Experiencing, it walks you through the rewiring process that you describe so well in your article.
What I loved about your article is that it reminds me of what I've been able to accomplish these past few years and that, yes, it is really amazing to wind up with super clear, sharp intuition about BS, manipulation and lies. I just had a couple of health care-related conversations in which my innate knowing that I was being given incorrect info was proven to be accurate. Ha! It can be deeply uncomfortable to encounter cultures that gaslight, but worth it to get real about it.
Cody my gaslighter was my therapist who specialized in somatic experiencing so I’m afraid to try all of the exercises you’re prescribing because they’re the exact same ones he prescribed for me: breath work, grounding, somatic experiencing, EMDR, yoga—all of these are things I distrust now because they came from my gaslighter. Do you have any advice on how I can help my mind escape this horrible trick?
Liz, I empathize with you on this. When I first began therapy again after the abuse and began even doing my own work I felt extremely triggered.
It was almost like I didn’t want to participate in any of that shit because it was tied to my abuser. So I felt like I had to make a choice.
I decided to take the good from therapy and leave the rest behind. Fuck that former therapist or any other abuser for that matter.
I’ve seen evil people pretend and weaponize therapy, religion, and even my own well being. I’ve dated people that deliberately set out to harm me.
I had to choose to trust again. Choose to take calculated risks trusting myself. I had to act my way into feeling and thinking differently.
I’m not prescribing these ideas as the only answers. Healing will look differently for everyone. Thank you for your comment Liz.
Thank you im so glad you’re sharing your story here. I am slowly finding more people who have experienced therapist exploitation on substack when for years I felt completely isolated in my experience.
I had a therapist who stole 15 years of my life. Found a good one (ironically referred by her after I terminated w her-it’s very complicated and too much to explain in a comment) and a couple others since then. I understand. So sorry this happened to you. Both my parents were narcissists and also gaslighters. One of the byproducts of my lifelong trauma is it’s made me deeply empathic. A blessing and a curse. Thank you for this piece, Cody.
Thank you so much! I’ve saved this article. It’s advice I knew in my gut that I needed but hadn’t seen written out until now.
I completely can relate to your experiment. I found myself in a similar dynamic. 4 years later I am finally seeing it for what is truly was. Lots of learning and healing. Thank you so much for this share and all the wisdom that has come from your experience and passing it along to those that have suffered from this sometimes very silent but very deadly epidemic that has morphed its way into our lives.
Again, as someone who has experienced similar things with the same outcome - this post is not only critically important but so valuable and validating. Thank you for sharing.