The 5 Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You (And You’re Not Crazy)
You’re not losing your mind. Someone is deliberately making you question it.
You know something happened.
You remember the conversation. You remember what they said. You remember how it made you feel.
But now they’re looking at you like you’re insane. They’re calm. They’re confused. They’re concerned about you.
“That never happened.”
“I never said that.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“Are you okay? You seem really off lately.”
And suddenly you’re not sure anymore. Maybe you did misremember. Maybe you are too sensitive. Maybe you are losing it.
You’re not.
What you’re experiencing has a name. It’s called gaslighting. And it’s one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse because it makes you doubt your own mind.
What Gaslighting Actually Is
Gaslighting is when someone deliberately makes you question your own perception, memory, or sanity.
It’s not a disagreement. It’s not a difference of opinion. It’s not miscommunication.
It’s a strategy.
The goal is to destabilize you. To make you dependent on their version of reality. To make you trust them more than you trust yourself.
Once they’ve accomplished that, they can do anything. Because you won’t believe your own experience of what’s happening.
“Gaslighting doesn’t work by convincing you they’re right. It works by convincing you that you can’t trust yourself.”
It happens in romantic relationships. It happens in families. It happens at work. It happens in friendships. It happens with therapists, doctors, and authority figures.
And it happens so gradually that by the time you realize something is wrong, you’ve already lost faith in your ability to know what’s real.
Why It Works
Gaslighting exploits something fundamental about being human: we’re social creatures who rely on others to help us make sense of the world.
When someone we trust tells us our perception is wrong, we take it seriously. We consider it. We question ourselves.
That’s healthy in normal relationships. We should be open to other perspectives. We should be willing to admit when we’re wrong.
Gaslighters weaponize that openness.
They use your willingness to self-reflect against you. They exploit your trust. They take advantage of your desire to be fair and see their side.
And because they’re often calm while you’re upset, they look like the reasonable one. You look unstable. Which makes you doubt yourself even more.
It’s a trap designed by someone who understands exactly how your mind works.
The 5 Signs Someone Is Gaslighting You
Sign 1: You’re Constantly Questioning Your Memory
You used to trust your memory. Now you’re not sure about anything.
Did that conversation really happen the way you remember? Did they actually say that? Did you misinterpret something?
You find yourself going over interactions again and again, trying to figure out what’s real.
You’ve started keeping notes, screenshots, saving texts. Not because you’re paranoid. Because you need proof for yourself that you’re not making things up.
The tell: If you’ve started documenting conversations to prove to yourself that your memory is accurate, something is very wrong. Healthy relationships don’t require evidence collection.
Sign 2: You Apologize For Things That Aren’t Your Fault
Somehow, every conflict ends with you apologizing.
Even when they’re clearly in the wrong. Even when they hurt you. Even when you came to them with a legitimate concern.
By the end of the conversation, you’re sorry. You’re not even sure what you’re sorry for, but you’re apologizing because it’s the only way to end the tension.
They’ve flipped it. Your hurt feelings become an attack on them. Your reasonable boundary becomes proof that you’re difficult. Your memory of events becomes evidence that you’re unstable.
The tell: If you regularly walk away from conversations confused about how you became the one apologizing when you were the one who was hurt, you’re being gaslit.
Sign 3: You Feel Crazy Around Them (But Not Around Anyone Else)
This is a big one.
When you’re not with them, you feel relatively sane. You trust your perceptions. You feel grounded.
But when you’re with them, something shifts. You become unsure of yourself. You second guess everything. You feel foggy, anxious, confused.
Other people in your life don’t make you feel this way. Just them.
That’s not a coincidence.
The tell: If one specific person consistently makes you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality while everyone else doesn’t, the problem isn’t your grip on reality. The problem is that person.
Sign 4: Their Actions Don’t Match Their Words
They say they love you. They say they’d never hurt you. They say they want what’s best for you.
But their behavior tells a different story.
They dismiss your concerns. They minimize your pain. They rewrite history. They make you feel small.
When you point out the contradiction, they have an explanation. There’s always an explanation. You misunderstood. You’re being dramatic. You’re twisting things.
Eventually you stop pointing out the contradictions because it never goes anywhere. You just feel more confused.
“When someone’s words and actions consistently don’t match, believe the actions. Words are free. Behavior costs something.”
The tell: If you’ve stopped bringing up concerns because you know they’ll just be explained away and you’ll end up feeling worse, you’ve been trained to accept gaslighting.
Sign 5: You’ve Become A Shadow Of Who You Used To Be
You used to be confident. Now you’re constantly unsure.
You used to speak up. Now you stay quiet because it’s not worth the fight.
You used to trust yourself. Now you run everything by them first because you don’t trust your own judgment.
You’ve become smaller. Quieter. Less certain. Less you.
And somehow it happened so gradually that you didn’t notice until you barely recognize yourself.
The tell: If the people who knew you before this relationship have expressed concern about how much you’ve changed, listen to them. They’re seeing something you can’t see from inside it.
The Hardest Part
The hardest part of recognizing gaslighting is that it makes you doubt the recognition.
“Maybe I am too sensitive.”
“Maybe I do remember things wrong.”
“Maybe I’m the one being unfair.”
“Maybe this article is just making me paranoid.”
That doubt? That’s the gaslighting working.
A reasonable person considers other perspectives. A gaslit person can’t trust their own perspective even when it’s accurate.
If you’re reading this and recognizing patterns but simultaneously wondering if you’re just looking for problems, that’s not proof that you’re wrong.
That’s proof that someone has systematically dismantled your ability to trust yourself.
What Now
Recognizing gaslighting is the first step.
But recognition alone doesn’t tell you what to do. It doesn’t give you the words when they deny something you know happened. It doesn’t tell you how to respond when they flip the script. It doesn’t teach you how to hold onto your reality when someone is actively trying to dismantle it.
That’s the hard part. Knowing what to actually say.
Paid subscribers get “The Gaslighting Scripts” — exactly what to say when someone denies your reality, rewrites history, or makes you question your sanity. Word for word responses that hold your ground without escalating. Because knowing you’re being gaslit is only half the battle. Knowing how to respond is what actually protects you.
—Cody Taymore
Kill The Silence
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Cody, thank you for your post. I am in a DV situation and he's trying to gaslight me every single day but I hold my own and I never doubt myself because he's not that smart. I appreciate your hard work but I would like to know if it would be possible to see the rest of the article as a paid subscription is not within my means at the moment. It would be greatly appreciated. I also understand that Substack is a way for you to earn some money. Could you please help? Thank you!
Been there. Done that.